Saturday, February 27, 2010

new layout again

turns out the previous layout will only last for a week, as better put by baritonewbie awhile ago - it's hard to read... backed by B.I.T.C.H. as well, more on our new get together on my future posts.

so here, I used up my remaining energy on choosing another layout that will make the blog easier to read to the would-be-readers.

hope this new layout will last long...

til then, mornight! ZZZZZzzzzzzzz

p.s. i think the new layout prevents some readers to comment, one told me bout it via FB chat. let me know.

Friday, February 26, 2010

first day at the school!

So it was a friday, and Mama B.I.T.C.H. and greenfrog invited me over at R.I.T.M. for a birthday celebration for the feb-born people.

choosing R.I.T.M. as my treatment hub, it will be a good opportunity for me to see and check out the place.

so off i went after a stressful day at my college, i expected an hour-long trip going there, but luck must be on my side, the bus ride going there is a breeze (except that the bus TV airs icky wowowee).

soon as i step foot in Alabang, the stress in my system quickly died, okay, so i grew up wandering around ortigas, libis and makati and refused to go south as in my perception, they look like intramuros manila, man, was i ever wrong.

so GreenFrog told me to look for a multicab and ride one going to R.I.T.M., again, with wrong preception, I thought Multicabs are like the hybrid tricycle and jeepney that could be found in Davao, so i was going around the fire station building looking for that multicab version in my head, on the street there are hoards of mini-vans waiting for passengers, one driver signaled me to ride in his van (no pun intended) , I ignored him, he signaled again, I told him in snobbish tone that I was looking for the Multi-Cab , he told me that they are the Multi-cabs. ooooh ( put in elle woods cutie dumbness here, put in elle woods apologetic - 3000 megawatt smile there)

so soon as i got in at R.I.T.M., Greenfrog instructed me to go to the OPD Annex, but soon as I got there, he wasnt there! in fact I didnt know anyone... then I met Grandma.

Grandma saw me and thought I was a newbie who didnt know anyone, we talked and s/he learned later that I am a newbie who almost knew everyone. she was glad to know i knew B.I.T.C.H., greenfrog and the rest, then we talked some more and like a real grandma, s/he talked about her experience.

This, is exactly what i like about hanging out with fellow pozzies like myself - you get to distinguish HIV myths and realities. take grandma for example - s/he have HIV for 16 years now - and s/he's still looking healthy and fabulous! a complete 360 degree difference with how movies and tv shows portray characters with HIV / AIDS who is already dying, with tubes all over his body, as early as what - 3 or 5 years or whatever? SOOO NOT TRUE!

I like Grandma's company and I wanna hear more of her stories as this person, right before my very eyes, beat Sarah Jane Salazar(RIP) in the life game.

then B.I.T.C.H. hurriedly came in his attempt to pick me up at the OPD, and was glad to see me with Grandma, we talked, grandma and i seperated as B.I.T.C.H lead me to the waiting/patient area where the rest of the pozzies are. I met the doctors, Greenfrog (coming from the derma department) came in and welcomed me, met the fellow pozzies, sang along with them... the rest of the pozzie group in this post was there, though i finally met EM who scared me in his comment with my post here, oh and I also met E of the Chronicles of E the night before as B.I.T.C.H. and co. , Greenfrog and I watched a movie, I also Met B.I.T.C.H.'s Papi, and other pozzies too, (one harry potterish guy, one guy who is very, eh, flamboyant for words).

Greenfrog and I ate Brunchinner together (our version of bfast, lunch and dinner) and talked about J (my sire, you know, the one who infected me, using vampire language) about how media got HIV/AIDS so wrong, how we could really just live our lives and not die young, and how great R.I.T.M. is (basically, it's like a retreat house with a sense of modernity).

was feeling sleepy the whole time (because of my case study report in school) but that didnt stop me from having a good time.

later that night we went to have dinner at pancake house (midnight snack for greenfrog and I, as we are still full, but our eyes are still hungry...ooh the oh-so-full stomach!)

i was really having a good time, i was so happy I met this new pozzy friends of mine, they definitely saved me from any depression i could have later on if i chose to live with HIV alone,

like better put in by GreenFrog, "Isn't it Ironic that you really get to live life more now than before?" it's true what he said.

this pozzie group im in, is more than just a support group now, we're close, real friends who uplift each other through everything and is a living testimony that there is life in HIV, not death.

they even put my life frustrations and sexual frustration into a halt, they made me realize that there is more to life, and there is always the NOW to do what you wanna do...

to better paraphrase Gossipy Girlallo "With Friends like this... Who Needs an Orgy?"

points to check with B. again

So it was the day after i told B he needed some reality check that I'm grateful for him being kind and nice to me despite my being a poz but that doesnt mean we'll be an instant couple.

in my previous post here, it's safe to assume he understood my suggestion for us to be just friends, i mean, you can still show how much you care to a person without being that intimate, aight? i know i havent experienced much - but i think that still exist, aight?

so here i was - killing myself (almost literally) with this hideous school project - a case study of some blah blah blah, when - he fills my facebook inbox with messages of "bitter, heartbroken" content.

like hellow yellow?

points to check, again :

1: do you fancy someone else? he asked. : doesnt everyone? I fancy Jensen Ackles, I fancy Taylor Lautner too, I fancy Rob Lowe too, you know, the type who wouldnt care to push and slap me around, but personally? I dont fancy anyone yet - didnt I reiterated that Im still learning through my condition and isnt ready with complications of the heart yet? didnt i say that for like a million times?

2: I thought I am a part of your support group, why.... : yeah, you are part of my support group which makes things worst! just imagine me saying Im feelin tired and dizzy, lil bob marleys are showin on my arms and you would go oh that's alright baby here let me kiss you, let my love be your cure! it isnt exactly the type of support group i need at this moment, which is precisely why im letting B go and wander for a while, as the more i entertain him now and such, the more he'll be attached - more than what he is now.

3: did i do something wrong? : yeah, you're claims of "being in love with me" is a big No-No. not when i read in your previous status messages and blogs how desperate you are for a relationship, and not after learning my condition did you become more sweet and tells me "it's hard for you find acceptance from others, eh?" which, cmon, rings "insincere" in my bell?

4: i'll do what you want me to do : like stop forcing your intimacy on me?

5: I'll back off if you tell me : I just did, did you stop? eeeeh

6: I'll just be here if you need me: well, that will be unfair simply cause - you need me now, in a different way, but im turning my back on you, simply cause you refuse to understand my request of no intimacy, but like what i said, once we clear this intimate thing you forcibly implied between us. we'll see if we can be there for each other, as of now - i just need to be with the people who truly understands what im going through as they help me learn and witness what every pozzie needs to learn, as they are my true support group.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

mirror, mirror

I remember when Wanggo Gallaga came out about him being a poz, he wrote something about "he doesnt know anyone with HIV and now i know one, and i see him everyday when i look in the mirror" or something like that, i remember it being so sad, as the buzz reporter read it in such a way that it feels like it's such a resentment.

so now i am a poz myself, i was trying to channel that statement by wanggo.

being only 9 days old, i thought it'll be easy.

I looked at myself in the mirror, and I don't see anything wrong with me, not in the way wanggo's statement was read, anyway. i dont see any resentment, at all.

i looked in the mirror, and didnt see me as "one with HIV". im still me. just me.

HIV cant name who i am, and cannot describe who i am, and certainly cannot control me.

in some ways, HIV is a gift, why? ive known im a poz for only 9 days, looking back, the days didnt pass by so quickly for me, the 9 days felt like a year or so... why? because i live life by every second i breathe.

i get to appreciate life more, myself more, and the people around, its a full blown realization of what i really like, what makes me happy and what makes me smile.

every minute i get to say i love you to all those i love, and every day i feel in peace, spiritually at least.

so looking in the mirror, there is no resentment in the eyes of that boy im staring at.

alert! alert!

So B is troubling me, he's been texting and calling, asking if im okay and if im mad at him. he always does that - everytime i dont reply quickly.

points to check.

1: I appreciate the fact that he was the only one left standing among the many "supposed" negas pursuing me and accepted my HIV status, but that isnt a guarantee that we'll be a couple, aight?

2: I am still learning about my condition, I have accepted it, and im okay, but that doesnt mean i'll let loose immediately, i need to learn more about preventive measures, REAL acceptance from my future partner about my status, and do i need to say that im yet to find out my cd4 count? I need to devote all the attention and time to myself for a while, and i certainly dont need any future intimate/romantic complications while going through my "learning" phase.

so, the whole day i have this nagging "weighting the world on my shoulders phase", and it's hard to focus on my class.

so off to shangrila i went, chilled for a while, stayed in starbucks (at the 6th level) and just detoxed. relaxed myself, he mis-called again. i texted him and said what i feel.

yeap, just like that, in one text, I felt better, finally being able to let him know he causes my CD4 counts to drop as of that very moment. he lingered for a while, im playing guessing game - he'll hold on, be immature and use the excuse 'you need me and you just dont know it so i wont let go" reason or he'll accept my decision for some alone time, which i really need.

i was finishing my latte when he replied - "I understand, but im sad, friends?". i smiled, he chose the latter - good one! i can only accommodate friendship now - seriously.

feeling free from burden, i went home, soon as i enter the condominium gate our broker saw me, and asked if she can now have the signed inventory sheet that she needed, luckily it's in my bag, i gave it to her, she went to the lobby to borrow a pen to have it signed and photocopied, so while i was waiting for her, i was checking out the bulletin board when a chinito guy (why are they all chinese-looking?) walked by, saw me, i saw him, i didnt mean i eyed him, i just saw him, you know, he stopped walking, and stood there.

cruiser alert! i said to myself. he was just standing there, waiting who will approach first..

cruiser alert! oh no! I pretended to re-read boring notices on the bulletin board, completely useless!

he walked towards me and pretended to read too...

then, thankfully, our broker came in and gave me my copy of the inventory sheet, i smiled, thankful for the distraction and hurried to my unit. (him still eyeing me, almost followed me, too)

soon as i got in my room, i felt safe, i hate cruisers, really, no matter how cute they seem to be.

when I found out i was a poz, i thought everything will go down the drain. it didnt. in fact, things have changed for the better, and now i feel normal and appreciated life more.

but one thing still remains.

gosh, after everything, im still being sought after! (buhat sarili bangko, bangko lulubog maya maya)

Monday, February 22, 2010

behave, behave

going back to the days when i dont know my HIV status yet, i was shopping for my next boyfriend as i can feel, after 2 months of the break up with my sire (the one who infected me, using vampire language). im ready for my next relationship (i.e. horny season is coming up)

quite frankly, they're a lot to choose from, from the malls called downelink, gayromeo, facebook and yes, the condominium unit where im living.

so day in and day out my inbox is full of flirtatious messages, both in celphone and in my internet accounts, of course im very picky, carefully setting a date with each one, whoever says "go to my/your/private place after" is completely eliminated.

then of course, as it turns out, they need to be more cautious to me, and not me to them, because, lo and behold, im a poz (bilis ng karma no? arte kasi eh!)

so when i found out, i became less responsive to their flirtations, canceled all the meet ups, eventually, they all vanished.

except for 2.

well, the 2nd one, which i think is winning the game had i not known my status, doesnt know my status yet, but he never stopped, til now, in "courting" me.

now, the other one, which i'll call B, is a complete sweetie one.

when im coming into terms about my HIV status, he keeps on calling asking how i am, he can feel im not doing great, so yeah, i told him.

and guess what - he didnt stopped pursuing me.

in fact he went on trying to pursue me more.

i appreciate the gesture, but i feel there is something wrong about it.

it's like, what i feel is that, he likes my being a poz because he knows im not free enough to play around, like he can control my actions, and that's what i dont like. and that i think he's also desperate,

but then again, as he claims, he has two friends who are a poz. .. i checked around, one poz guy that i knew is acommon friend, hmmmmm...

but then again

he's being too attached now, he's callin, textin, and im just tired, i dont even like him now, as its no longer sweet. and did i say, im not ready yet? yeah i did.

now i can predict something,

HIV wouldnt cause complications on my health well-being, really, but more on my romantic well-being.

better keep that tounge off the head.

okay, so we were still at starbucks when i asked a question in which ive been wondering if the answer will be in my favor...

me: can i still swallow?

presidentiable abnormal's eyes went up, 24 year old poser boy laughed, trese probably caught with surprised, cant see B.I.T.C.H.'s reaction, but he is smirking, greenfrog is interested as it seems like we share the same fetish.

so, contrary to that queer as folk character's belief, HIV isnt a gift where u can have all the sex that you want without worries.

you need to be more cautious, really. as you are susceptible to infections. and i just found out that the HIV virus isnt the only thing added to your semen flavor, there could be herpes, syphilis, HEPA A-Z (ok, hanggang c lang) , probably a new virus science hasnt discovered yet that makes your semen pink in color, or something like that, you know.

so B.I.T.C.H. and presidentiable abnormal advised me to not even attempt to swallow anymore, or as better put by presidentiable abnormal - swallow your own. (ick)

in my line of defense, i said - but the HIV virus dies quickly soon as it is out in the air!

again, i was reminded, you can never be too sure on what is the ingredient of his semen.

this is bad. so now i need to raise standards for my next boyfriend -

1: HIV, Hepa A-Z, all STD, all unknown virus negative. it's a must. just so i can play with his cum all i want.

but then again, i can never be too sure as, he could quite possibly play around.

so i need to accept this fact, i cant play with cum with my tounge anymore.

it's like my world crashed down, seriously.

as better suggested by GreenFrog - just play with it with your hand.

hmmm, enough alternative, long as there is a vibrator stuck up his ass to make the tickle factor more enjoying to watch.

night with pusits!

I was browsing my blog, re-reading all entries, and wondering if my two entries that contains sexual content is enough qualification for me to be an erotic author, then trese of lucky 13 asked me if i want to watch a comedy show along with some fellow pozzies, who would say no, really?

i said yes, obviously.

so i need to prepare,

1: a valid excuse to inform mom and talent manager that i'll be gone the whole night and to not disturb me? check (doing a case study in the group leader's house, a classic, though i really have a case study due this wednesday and a report this friday)

2: money, check (asked mom i need extra money for fare, and asked dad, who is staying in a different house now, that i needed extra money for project, his deposit came in late, though)

3: outfit, check (the best way to grab anyone's attention is to simply just wear a shirt that says "loud and proud", best describes me, anyway.)

so my meet up with W is a good one, im still anxious about meeting more pozzies it still makes me nervous.

soon as i met them i relaxed, B.I.T.C.H. is there, Green Frog is there too, fellow pozzies in which i dont know yet there blogger codename so i cant place them here, oh, trese is there too, and a latecomer who disguised himself as a 24 year old is there as well.

we talked and we laughed, they're all so nice and good and bitchy and so gossipy girlaloo - im lovin it!

what i like about hanging out with fellow pozzies is that, it's like learning more about HIV, in a more fun way, by reading, you get to know it isnt a death sentence, you get to know you can live out your life expectancy, but media (being the past as their only source) showed to the world that if you have HIV/AIDS you will look like this (gross picture with bones showing up) or this ( a picture of Queer as folk's Michael's Uncle Vic) that they seem to forgot it's the 21st century already and not the early 90's where the lovely freddy mercury succumb to AIDS, and by today's standard, people with HIV is the exact opposite of what media showed, we, look better than celebrities and more glamorous than the queens. (cmon, who can put a gay man down? much more a whole community? if you havent seen Aistemashu, you wouldnt realize that even during the japanese time, us gays came out strong, even made a japanese soldier gay!)

and im surprised to know that even if your CD4 Count is low, like way looow, like low, low, low, low, you could still be a burst of energy! i seriously thought us pozzies are dependent on the cd4 count, and by the time it reaches 0 we'll be, gia and freddy mercury (i refuse to site sarah jane salazar as an example, in this time, we die with glamour.) i really thought you'll be weak, confined, livin in tubes and such...

imagine my surprise when i was told some have 0 counts and still party, we have someone whose count is similar to jason voorhees' trademark number and still smoke.

you (pointing to negatives) people are so mis-informed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

note that it is still important to have a good and high CD4 count so that we wont be susceptible to
opportunistic diseases. and since i didnt know mine yet, we played a lil game called guess my CD4 count - their guesses range from 0, to 13, to 12, to 1, to 270, and even fate answered by giving me a ticket labeled with the number 284 (more on that later). (im still prayin it's 800 - 1000 though, wahahahahaha)

so we watched the comedy show and it was fun! talk about avakler 101 and all! and about the ticket labeled 284? well, the show made a raffle and a certain ticket number will be given a gas range, yeap, that was me.

so after the show, we ate dinner, B.I.T.C.H. gave out weekly pill boxes as a gift, then we chilled at starbucks full of rapeable boys to end the wonderful night.

when i first found out i was positive, i seriously thought it's the end, then i learned about HIV and found out i could still live, then i met this wonderful people and made new friendship, and now, i can truly say that i'm not dying from aids, and im definitely living with HIV, and it's truly wonderful.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

My First Poz

So it was a thursday, surrendering myself to stress brought about by standard deviations, mean deviations, x and y's, radicals and all the statistical and algebraic problems.

then someone texted me - it's ym, a new friend invite.

me: (hmmm... new admirer who stumbled upon my inactive gayromeo account? or a friend i forgot i knew?)

then he messaged via ym again, as it turns out, it's B.I.T.C.H's good friend W, he wanna check out how im coping with my condition.

ah, so thoughtful, im seriously touched. we exchanged numbers and texted all the way through the class, im quite sure he saved most of my CD4 from dropping brought by statistics.

W is a freelance yoga teacher, i remember during my first 2 days of being a poz, while reading infos about HIV, Yoga is considered to be one of the best exercise to protect our immune system. so we decided to meet, chill for a while and do yoga the next day.

i was anxious, let me put it promptly - I've never met an HIV positive person other than myself (I know i slept with one, but at the time i didnt know he was, he didnt even) , though im making friends with fellow pozzies via internet, i still feel secluded.

when i met him, im quite surprised, W is cute in person as he is in his pictures! he also looks healthy, given the point of view of someone who doesnt know his condition, he's small framed, he has that kind of built/frame that is a pre-requisite for a celebrity, i mean, in camera, he would look bigger and heavy and average, but in person he's small-framed, there's really something wrong with how the camera captures weight, you know, thats why when you meet some celebrities, you would say "ay payat pala sya, ay puti pala sya.." W has that going on in him.

with me still in awe with how cute he W is, we talked in a coffee shop somewhere, we talked about HIV like it's so normal, and i like it, i asked about CD4's and the viral loads, treatments and avrs, and we're so casual about it, though now and then W will lower down his voice when he mentions HIV, or just simply name it as HI, i really dont care, the couple behind me probably heard us long before, the tables are arranged in a manner that we're like glued together, anyway, a whisper could still be heard.

cant resist it any longer, i asked if i can pinch his nose (as im attracted to it) he almost doubt my intention and joked that it's real. he allowed me, anyway.

after an hour we went to the yoga class, and hell, i can feel every inch of my body sweat! and i can see why the researchers say it's good for us, we will be workout, sweating and all, without much stress that weightlifting and the treadmill brings, i can feel my CD4 goin up, and after the session it just felt right.

after the session, W showed me his medications, in his eyes i can see some resentment, maybe he's just tired, or still coping, or simply doesnt like the drugs. they are three, all with different purpose, to be taken day by day.

there he told me his plan, he read that yoga helps HIV poz people live longer, however the study was only done abroad, and not here yet, and W wants to be the first. he wants to introduce yoga to us, arranged a session for a poz class, and let us know the healthy benefits of yoga to us, as he says his plan, his eyes glow, i can almost see a smile, i like his goal and his vision. this is his way of helping. others, like me, wouldve said "get tested! protection! blah blah".. but those warnings are for the negatives, we all go say "there is life after HIV!" we smile and laugh, then later on our eyes will be sad. W here wants to take that away, in his on way, he can make a difference to us pozzies. and W isnt just planning, he will take actions that will help not just himself, but us all, fellow pozzies.

for the health benefits of yoga, click this article here and another one here.

praying that W's plan will be pushed through. :)

and praying to see W again, weeeeeee.

Gone Too Soon

Okay, Michael Jackson wrote this song for a kid who died from AIDS. i can feel the sincerity and love in this soon that it just makes me cry.

let's not lose hope. there is life, and contrary to the title, we wont be gone too soon. we can make a difference, just simply live a healthy life! and smile. no loneliness, no tears.

hope you guys will listen to this song.

Gone too soon - Michael Jackson (RIP)

new layout, new design

yeap, i changed the layout, colors and the background.

you know, to add something to the blog. i dont want the black background stuff, it's too dark and depressing for me, i like live colors, bright and shiny.

i think the background pic is over the top. but i like the abstract thing of it. it agrees to the title of my blogspot.

i'll see how long this layout will last. my original plan is to make the site musical, but then again, this isnt about music, but HIV. and that there is life with HIV.

hope ya enjoy! :)

Friday, February 19, 2010

Safe Sex that isnt Safe.

okay, based on observation, here are safe sex myths that im sure most of you guys are doing, i did it, and i became a poz.

so if you're doing at least one of the things listed below, get yourself tested, cause, sorry to burst your bubble, you're not doing it safe.

1: unprotected sex with a monogamous partner.

this will be number one on my list as this is how i became infected. so, some believe that you can only acquire HIV if your either gay (new in the list), promiscuous (not-so-new-in-the-list) and a sex worker (age old belief), im sorry, like what i said on my first post - it doesnt just take a lifestyle, it just takes one person. you may be monogamous to your partner now - but admit the fact you arent the first one he had sex with. his previous partner could be infected and not know it, thus he's infected and not know it, and now, it's you.

2: all of my tests are negative so im invincible and i can just have sex! and im not gay!

no one's invincible from HIV. c'mon, even a baby can be HIV positive! (infected by a poz mom), much more you! you could be just lucky that you had your test done when you're in the window period, or you have yourself tested way too early for the virus to be detected.

also, let me add, it isnt true that HIV is only for homosexuals, you know why? because us homosexuals are STRONG ENOUGH to face reality and have ourselves tested, while most heterosexuals aren't strong enough to have themselves tested, which explains two things ; 1: why most study say most HIV poz are gay men (as we're the majority of the respondent) and 2: why there are babies that are born HIV poz (because the dad or mom is too afraid to test themselves.) got it? got it!

3: you're using condom, great! but you're using a wrong lubricant.

so you're using a condom, great, but if you're using a latex condom, and you're using an oil based lubricant, you're doing it wrong. oil destroys the barrier in the latex condom, thus giving you and your partnet without the protection that you need. also, you need to choose the right condom for the right lube to the right use... we have silicone based lube, water based lube, and oil. some also wants to have sex in the pool, the condoms are not tested on chlorinated water, so it's still dangerous.

anyway, better buy the KY lubricant, and check the quality of the condom.

4: condom, check! lubricant, correct - but you swallow.

now this i dont know yet, but you can definitely get HIV via swallowing as the virus, though not found in the sperm, is found in the semen itself, now, if you use your voice professionally, you can never be too sure as sometimes, we (singers/speakers alike) develop nodules on our throat, which could give sores in our gums, thus - a point of entry.

5: condom, check! lubricant, correct, you dont swallow, but you rim.

i guess i dont need to explain why rimming is dirty, naturally. the important thing here and in number 4 is that your gums and throat are intact and has no point of entry.

6: no condom, so no penetration, but you gave good blowjob and played with the precum, or maybe even swallowed - and you brushed your teeth before you give head.

brushing your teeth before sex is BAD. the bristles makes some sores in the gums that you wont notice - this are one point of entry too many.

7: you have your partner cum outside, cool, then you saw that hey, that lil pimple of mine over there just opened up! or you have a small wound there and your partner's cum hit it.

lesser chances but its a point of entry.

8: you have protected sex, used the right lubricant, didnt swallow directly from the cockhead, but you played with the cum.

some will drink the cum from the condom, some will lick their fingers with it. yeah the virus could be dead in a few seconds, but remember, i said, could be dead. not is dead so there is still a risk.

9: everything is good, but cum in my face.

this is only safe if you close your eyes and mouth - and your face is free of acne and pimples and small cuts that could serve as point of entry. but u can never be too sure.

10: you used a condom that is either expired - or u placed in your wallet/pocket .

did you know that condoms are very special? and they need good space, and can only be used on a limited time? i dont need to say more.

so now, let's see.... did you really have safe sex last night?

what i would have done (sexually) if i had known i'll be a Poz by 23

NOTE: sexual content, you know the drill (no, i didn't mean you opening your fly, dummy.)

in connection with my previous post, here are the list of the things i wish i would have done before when im still safe to play around, if i had known I'll be a poz anyway. (note: not to encourage the negs to do it as well! stay neg! this is just my mere frustrations i need to let go via writing!!!)

1: have a foursome, all of which are bottom, and im tied in the bed, and they mercilessly take advantage of my tired and helpless body as im forced to fuck them day in and day out.

2: allow myself to be molested by that music executive who wanted me back then. i want him to toy me all around, in the house, with me only wearing a dog lace, for him to have a party where i'd be the only one naked in the room, and they're all free to molest me. also, since if i had accepted his indecent proposal back then, i want him to be very indecent, assuming my Demo Cd hit the stores, in the press con and such, i want him to give me a handjob under the table as i try to compose myself in answering the interviews as i reach my orgasm.

3: have someone give me a whole body erotic massage, touching and caressing all of parts of my body except my cock, the intensity of his massage must be enough to make me cum without him touching my cock.

4: have a boyfriend who is strictly top, we will fight as i dont want to bottom all the time, so in the end he will rape me everyday.

5: wake up to find myself tied and helpless as my boyfriend feeds me his cum.

6: be soaked in cum.

7: be left hungry for days, and that music executive will only feed me in his dining room if im naked, tied on the dining chair, a vibrator turned on and wrapped on my cock, one tablespoon of food per orgasm.

8: have someone play with my cock even as i beg for him to stop as it tickles and i just had an intense orgasm.

9: be someone's toy, that he even have to touch my cock as i urinate.

10: us to cuddle and be intimate, with only him fully clothed, and me as naked as baby, and him spanking me to orgasm. or, as we are travelling, he will order me to open my fly and let my cock out, and he will play with it as i drive.

basically, be a total whore!

yes, i even actually dreamed of being a high class prostitute soon as i graduate from college.

but then, my ex boyfriend infected me, without me even able to attempt at least one of the things listed above. ah, must be destiny telling me im bound to be a good boy all my life. it's easier this way i guess, makes adjustment extremely easy, but the realization that my frustration will only remain as a frustration, that kinda bring me down.

jeez, need to make myself happy, best find that boundgods and straighthell videos.

(sex) life after HIV?

Note: Sexual Content, seriously. so if your under the age of ... eh, whatever, you know the deal.

okay, so it's no secret that im living my life as "Mr. Good Boy" since day one.

but seriously, I've been wanting to be bad.

to better explain it further, I'm like a Carrie Underwood who desperately tries to be Tomb Raider, or as better put by Simon Cowell in one of her performances in her stint at American Idol, "a little cat that tries to be the tiger".

that, exactly, is me. however, i wasnt able to act out my frustrations, except of course by growing in some facial hair and singing Slow Rock.

Had I known I'll Be H.I.V. Positive by the age of 23, i really, really would have tried to fulfill all of my sexual fantasies and frustrations before turning 23!

what i would have done:

1: Being in a catholic school exclusively for boys during my high school days, it is a norm that all the hot straight guys, mostly from the varsity, will seek out the gays for sexual experience, some even became so-called lovers (but honestly, they're all using the gays for the homeworks and exams, u know, typical porn stuff). now being out, and one of the "known" students (popular are the athletes, the known ones are like me, who performs in every school event ) the guys seduce me to hook up with them. i remember one classmate, who is as hot as Josh Hartnett, whisper in my ear " everytime i hear you sing, i always get a hard on and i just want to fuck your face real hard and make you ride my tool." he will say those words in tagalog so it's more explicit, tempting, yes... but i didnt give in, simply because i know his friends are betting on it, plus, i dont want the rumors to spread around, and, did i mention that the strict, most feared guidance counselor in our high school is my uncle? so yeah, i was able to save my dignity to the public, but not to myself, because i do want him to do the savage things he said to me. later as my fantasies evolve about him, i picture a dungeon, with me all bruised up, abused and used by him, yes, i credit my BDSM fetish to him. had i known my fate, right then and there, i would be at his mercy, and even beg his friends to join and savage me. seriously.

2: so on my 4th year in high school, my rival in every school contest, whom i'll call S, fell in love with me as we argue about who-sabotage-who. we were screaming at each other when he said "isa na lang, isang-isa na lang pag di ka tumigil, hahalikan kita! (just one more word, one more word and if you wont stop i'll kiss you!)" not sensing the seduction there, i screamed at him "gago ka pala eh, bakla! (you stupid faggot!) " and true to his word, he kissed me. right there and then, in the school auditorium's dressing room. we didnt speak to each other for about a week. in the school restroom, S followed me, locked the door, checked that we are alone and told me in a whisper-like angry voice. "galit lang ako (I was just angry at that time)" and I replied back "eh loko ka pala eh, sa susunod wag ka magalit baka malaman pa ng iba na bakla ka! (then try to compose yourself before the world would know you're gay!). he slammed the wall and said he isnt. i teased him more. and yes, he kissed me again.

later on, by some fate, we are grouped together for a project, and yes, i lost my virginity that night. though happy for my first taste of cock, he wasnt able to fulfill my BDSM desire. he, however became my longest relationship and our sex life is composed of master-slave, with me as a slave and him as the master. however, this isnt the BDSM kind of master-slave. it's as simple as (him fucking me : you like what master does to you? me: oh yes master, more please.... him: (kissing the back of my neck and lips : master will give all his love to you....) now, this isnt what i wanted, i appreciate the passion, but i want passionless sex! i want spanking, slapping, derogatory words! i dont want slow! i want rough and fast! one time i remember it was my turn to be top and i started to go rough and he begged for me to slow down, i didnt, he held me in his arm and said "relax... we have the whole night" i did, however, relax, but in my mind i wanna argue with him. "yeah, i know we have the whole night! and i want you to treat me bad the whole night!". but i wasnt in the mood for a fight.

now, had I known i'd be a poz by 23, I would have entertained those sex invites by executives and my internet friends and, since they're not liable for my intimate well being, they would greatly entertain my thirst for violent sex. i mean cmon, im not gonna hurt ya, i want you to hurt me, who would say no? in my experience, boyfriend does, strangers - i dont know, i havent tried, but i'm quite sure they wont say no, they might even put my in a cage.

I would have gone and have one night stands, just for the hell of it, for the fulfillment of my desires to be told what to do, to be a real sexual slave. i remember a song called "love song" by sky, the lyrics says someday i'd be somebody's love slave... but now im nothing at all. that's exactly how ive been feeling all this time (just replace love to sex). by some unlucky luck, all of my former lovers probably had too many one night stands or just have a different sexual fantasy. they all just smiled and laughed about my fantasy and never took it seriously, because when we have sex, it's always about intimacy, slow, a lil naughty, but never rough.

now some of you might be wanting the same thing. but i've always been "in the box" and was never able to fully experience what i wanna experience.

now im a poz. dont get me wrong, but now i can see a pattern, a design, like everything is falling into place, maybe im destined to be a poz as ive been living this lifestyle that will prolong a life of a poz...maybe im destined to behave so that by this time, im able to adjust to it real quick.

when the doctors told me "if you want to live, you do this, you do that"... it's old news for me. i even picture my talent manager as they all say the same thing.

now i dont know what the future holds, being HIV poz doesnt give me a license to be a slut. But im still hoping that even 3% of my fantasy will be reality.

oh well. i admit, I dream of being a slut. now i cant of course, I'll still be happy with my disposition. oh well, might as well wait for the time for me to fall in love again.

choices, chances and guessing games

When my confirmatory results came out positive, I was prepared for it. the doctor seemed to in shocked, but delighted, soon as she gave me the envelope, she was all "im-sorry-look" but when i started talking about "is this one good for me? how about this? see i have a goal blah blah blah" when i asked her, " im not allowed to be stressed right, can u make a letter to my school and just tell them to let me graduate without going to school anymore, as they are now liable to my health?" she looked at me like im crazy and just laughed. we both laughed.

she was happy i was getting by my condition quite well.

you see, the whole two weeks of waiting, i didn't spend it with depression. well, okay, exception will be the first 2 days.

I'm thankful to Ryan of the social hygiene clinic. he helped me through, when i told him my rapid test results was a positive, he called me. he was there, i cant tell anyone just yet then.

all i could do to ease my shock and loneliness was to talk, talk it out, all of those emotions, and yes, ryan was the receiver of all of them, he gave me good advices too.

that night, not being able to hold it any longer, i talked to my sister. I told her what happened, and we both cried. it felt good that my sister knows my condition, she asked me what we cant do together now, i told her "well, have an incestuous affair, which we clearly wont do as i dont like girls, and im prettier than you" and we laughed, then cry again... (she's okay now with it, we learned about HIV together, she and her boyfriend were tested negative. was able to convince them. )

later on, Im hungry for information about HIV, thanks to the internet, i was able to. the more i get myself informed, the less worried and less afraid i got.

HIV isnt a life sentence, and there are living proofs about it, in fact, in a way i can control my life.

the key is to be healthy and make my immune system up. it's easier said than done, but if you know the key, then you can set a goal, and reach it. I intend to live longer.

ive never been so thankful to my strict voice coach, gym instructor and talent manager - all of them, right from the very start, made me live a healthy lifestyle to improve my talent and appearance, now it's more than that - that very lifestyle they made me go through will make me live.

as long as my cd4 count (immune system count/health status, to place it on lay man's term) is up and my viral load is down (how detectable the virus can be in the blood), i could live my life like any normal person, without medications.

now, this is where my guessing game begins.

see, as graduation takes much of my time, im still looking for a good schedule to have my baseline tests taken. this are important as i need to know my cd4 count and viral load.

my other problem is the location of the treatment hubs. san lazaro (ick, call in christina aguilera and have her re-do her dirty music video there) PGH (too many people, as doctora told me). RITM is the best option. the bad thing though is the location - it's in muntinlupa, alabang.

I need to know my cd4 count and viral load as soon as possible. mainly for 2 things

1: to be able to plan my schedule for the year. as early as now i have many audition offers that i turned down, not because i dont want to, simply because without my cd4 count i cant make an accurate workload that is suitable for me.

2: to know whether the virgin coconut oil therapy im under is working well for me. more on that on my next post.

thankful to pinoypoz and W, they made me see RITM is the only best option for me.

so, all that im doing now, is basically still doing what ive always been doing (eat only this, take this, no this, no that, blah blah) only with more bedtime.

soon as i graduate, but most likely, soon as im done with the finals, might ask W and Pinoypoz to accomodate me to RITM.

this is my last test, whew... i better pass this one!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

the virus spreads...

It was a Wednesday, the day after my first test with HIV was positive and i was waiting for the confirmatory results.

I'm still in denial, holding on to the fact that the confirmatory results would come out negative (it didnt).

on my mind i played again that night with my 5th one, which i'll call J, and tried to convince myself it could be wrong.

i was on my way to school when my mind plays our break up sex like a good old porn video, when suddenly,

a cute guy in a purple shirt grinned at me.

ah, MRT, one of the cruise spots. yeah, i know i dont party, but how do i get my boys? you might ask.

1: starbucks, really, they all buy those loner ones who sits around reading a book. not just the customers, the cute baristas too.

2: gym: the ultimate hide out.

3: recording gig and nationwide TV contests - most of my exes are singers like me as well, (including the 5th one). the starbucks boys and the gym boys are just there for the flirting, since i always say no to going somewhere else, just flirts are all they ended up to be, the singers, however, are a different story.

4: i live in a condominium where it could be called , "gay garden heaven". all kinds of gays are here, tranny, bisexuals, discreets, ALL OF THEM are here.

so going back, this purple guy, was just smiling at me, i smiled back, as it turns out, we both have the same stop, and we both went to the LRT for the next stop...

probably thinking it was fate, he walked on near me, got on the same train, stood in front of me.

with a hand in his pocket, he reached out for my crotch.

sensing that i have no choice - as it was crowded, he felt my crotch all the way, not satisfied, he placed his butt on my crotch.

stilll in shock on my HIV status and on this guy, it opened a new perception on my part.

I know my HIV status, and I COULD SAVE A LIFE.

this guy, who basically wants me to fuck him, had i known im negative, i probably would have (he's so cute, typical chinito thing going on in him). but now that i know, I wouldnt (as condom sex is a taboo for me during those moment).

he begged for my number, i didnt gave it to him, until now, he plays on my mind.

is he negative? or a poz too? does he know his status?

i hope he doesnt find another charming positive guy like me somewhere else. if he did, I hope he'd be lucky enough to be spared by the virus either by a condom or by ignorance.

now you see, what makes me less lonely about my HIV status, is the fact that, I know, and I can say out loud. the virus definitely stops in me.

again let me say this now. get tested. it's not the end of the world, could be a beginning of a good, new one.

my life starts at 23, not ends in 23.

ok, first and foremost, 10 quick facts about me.

1: I'm 23 years old.

2: Graduating college student.

3: singer / actor

4: a flirt, yes, promiscuous, no, virgin, no, frankly i only have sex if i have a boyfriend.

5: I dont drink, I dont smoke - not because im a health buff, but because im taking good care of my ever so powerful na singing voice. :P

6: I dont party, my nightlife only consists of a concert / theater play and starbucks after the event. see numbers 3 and 5 on why my nightlife is non-existent.

7: I have had a total of 5 ex-boyfriends. starting when i was on my 4th year high school. longest relationship - 2 years, shortest - 9 months-the fifth one.

8: I am out, as far as i can remember, my family are open minded yet a bit of a conservative type, religious yes, but not to the point that they consider homosexuality a ticket to the fires of hell. i remember back then my sister got so angry with mom because mom is so nice to my boyfriend - and mom is not yet allowing her to have a boyfriend.

9: my fifth ex boyfriend, informed me a month ago via skype that he just got tested positive for HIV in his home country (australia).

10: last tuesday, after two weeks of waiting, the confirmatory results told me that, I am, HIV positive.

Ok now, Im writing this blog to let you know the importance of HIV tests, and safe sex. some say you can get HIV via lifestyle, i have a different take on that. my controlled life is a safe ticket to living a HIV negative life, no, it doesnt take just a lifestyle.

it just takes one person. and that person could be the one you're cuddling and loving right now. could be you, even.

you can never be too sure, get tested, it may not be too late.

as for me....

... well, sorry to burst your bubble, im not the lonely type, let me tell ya,

Im NOT dying. I'm Living.