choices, chances and guessing games

When my confirmatory results came out positive, I was prepared for it. the doctor seemed to in shocked, but delighted, soon as she gave me the envelope, she was all "im-sorry-look" but when i started talking about "is this one good for me? how about this? see i have a goal blah blah blah" when i asked her, " im not allowed to be stressed right, can u make a letter to my school and just tell them to let me graduate without going to school anymore, as they are now liable to my health?" she looked at me like im crazy and just laughed. we both laughed.

she was happy i was getting by my condition quite well.

you see, the whole two weeks of waiting, i didn't spend it with depression. well, okay, exception will be the first 2 days.

I'm thankful to Ryan of the social hygiene clinic. he helped me through, when i told him my rapid test results was a positive, he called me. he was there, i cant tell anyone just yet then.

all i could do to ease my shock and loneliness was to talk, talk it out, all of those emotions, and yes, ryan was the receiver of all of them, he gave me good advices too.

that night, not being able to hold it any longer, i talked to my sister. I told her what happened, and we both cried. it felt good that my sister knows my condition, she asked me what we cant do together now, i told her "well, have an incestuous affair, which we clearly wont do as i dont like girls, and im prettier than you" and we laughed, then cry again... (she's okay now with it, we learned about HIV together, she and her boyfriend were tested negative. was able to convince them. )

later on, Im hungry for information about HIV, thanks to the internet, i was able to. the more i get myself informed, the less worried and less afraid i got.

HIV isnt a life sentence, and there are living proofs about it, in fact, in a way i can control my life.

the key is to be healthy and make my immune system up. it's easier said than done, but if you know the key, then you can set a goal, and reach it. I intend to live longer.

ive never been so thankful to my strict voice coach, gym instructor and talent manager - all of them, right from the very start, made me live a healthy lifestyle to improve my talent and appearance, now it's more than that - that very lifestyle they made me go through will make me live.

as long as my cd4 count (immune system count/health status, to place it on lay man's term) is up and my viral load is down (how detectable the virus can be in the blood), i could live my life like any normal person, without medications.

now, this is where my guessing game begins.

see, as graduation takes much of my time, im still looking for a good schedule to have my baseline tests taken. this are important as i need to know my cd4 count and viral load.

my other problem is the location of the treatment hubs. san lazaro (ick, call in christina aguilera and have her re-do her dirty music video there) PGH (too many people, as doctora told me). RITM is the best option. the bad thing though is the location - it's in muntinlupa, alabang.

I need to know my cd4 count and viral load as soon as possible. mainly for 2 things

1: to be able to plan my schedule for the year. as early as now i have many audition offers that i turned down, not because i dont want to, simply because without my cd4 count i cant make an accurate workload that is suitable for me.

2: to know whether the virgin coconut oil therapy im under is working well for me. more on that on my next post.

thankful to pinoypoz and W, they made me see RITM is the only best option for me.

so, all that im doing now, is basically still doing what ive always been doing (eat only this, take this, no this, no that, blah blah) only with more bedtime.

soon as i graduate, but most likely, soon as im done with the finals, might ask W and Pinoypoz to accomodate me to RITM.

this is my last test, whew... i better pass this one!