Thursday, May 27, 2010


Today is the big day.

Today is the AIDS Candlelight memorial 2010.

Im not really expecting it much, I honestly thought it'll be around December during the world AIDS day...

Then I opened my Gayromeo and there it was for all to see. the ad placement of the upcoming event.

I remember that time when I was hanging out with the other pozzies and Greenfrog told me about his experience when he attended the candlelight memorial and how he cried a tear (sorry I have to mention, sis) and how it seemed funny now (how he cried).

I don't really understand how it goes, but all I know is that, they will light a candle to the victims, those who died and those still living of HIV/AIDS and how each candle represents the victim or so. something like that.

over the past few weeks I got lots of invites to attend the event, RY particularly invited me in a manner that it seemed like a requirement, like, who will light my candle? (no pun).

I woke up today with 6 text messages, all of them from fellow pozzies, ranging from "are you going later for the ceremony?" to the pleading "please come" to the more commanding "your candle must be lighten - Attend! Attend!"

yeap, as you guess it, I need a motherly advise, so yeah, I inquired to mama B.I.T.C.H. if I'm even remotely required to attend or I need to bring a proxy... maybe this is like a baptism of sorts.

No, I don't want to attend and light a candle for my part. why? simply because:

1: I intend to keep my identity a secret. yeah I know I hang out with fellow pozzies like me, more frequent actually, but hello - they are also discreet like me (not talking in a homosexual sense), we all look healthy and so no one will ever doubt... I mean, none of us came close to the level of Sarah Jane Salazar or Wanngo Gallaga, who will know? really. now this is an event where majority are Pozzies themselves or Advocates, it's way too high a risk a exposure for me.

2: I don't think I'm emotionally ready for such event: It isnt like World Aids Day where it's like a concert and the singers will make a spiel about HIV/AIDS before they sing and rock the stage and where most of the audiences are neggies and pozzies combined you can't tell who's who. as what Greenfrog said, he cried. I don't wanna cry, I want to smile and laugh. what I have isn't as bad as cancer, really, and im quite sure I wont Die anytime soon, and I don't want to be in an event that subconsciously says otherwise. I'm in a good mindset now, I don't want to think it over. for one thing, from the start I felt like a victim of HIV/AIDS, but now I don't feel like it, simply because I know in me that I can stop the spread of HIV/AIDS by being responsible and my advocacy can be heard through this blog. Im a newborn, and I intend to learn more, and we learn more by not rushing.

So no, I'm not coming, not yet, not this time. mama B.I.T.C.H. replied and told me I am not required (got that RY?). so I'm not going.

But in respect to the souls of Sarah Jane Salazar, Freddy Mercury, Gia, Ryan White, Michael Jetter and many others around the globe, I will light a candle in my own room.

for me It's better to light a candle in your own private place, where I can say I'm not victim, but a survivor, for I can live through this. where I can say a silent prayer to the departed souls and grant them peace. where a candle is a symbolism of intimacy to oneself and say, this is my new life, a new me. and it's not as bad as it looks. Ironic as it was, It keeps me alive.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Going out of my personal blog and more into HIV information... I know you miss it, c'mon.

okay, as my blog started growing out of the HIV niche market (i.e. my fellow pozzie friends who read and follow my blog) many have responded to my posts that they deem unrelated to HIV.

see, like most other pozzie bloggers, I went to forum sites and other networking sites, dating sites even, and promoted my advocacy on HIV thru this blog, usually with the link of my first post as the rest of my posts resembled my day-to-day life.

some, who read my blog from the latest posts, gave enough effort to actually email me and ask, "where's HIV in your posts?"

okay, so in case they forgot, my blog is about "I'm not dying" and "I'm living... with HIV" thus the title of my blog. this is certainly not one of those documentary TV specials where all the pozzies are shameful of themselves and had become unfruitful of their lives. nope, nope, this IS reality. us pozzies are around, and we live normally, we go to the gym, we dance, we sing, we go to the beach, we do get checked out, some still gives a few indecent proposal, some drink hard and party harder, and yes - we do not die soon as expected. the pozzie people now are glam compared to our ancestors, who are also glam in their own way, you know - Freddy Mercury and that hot supermodel Gia? and unlike our 80's counterparts, we live longer and with happiness.

most of the questions that are always asked to me is about S.

okay - being a pozzie doesn't exclude me/you of a right to any intimate relationship, in fact, though it is harder for us to find a fling or so, it is easy for us to distinguish who loves us - because if he can accept your HIV status, it only shows he is mature enough to know the risks involved and responsible enough to keep himself negative and he doesn't need to prove his love any longer.

usually after our oh-so-good sex, S will open the topic of HIV, but he's more worried to me than to him... you see, us pozzies are prone to any infectious diseases of sorts, a little something that is in a sperm could be fought over by a neggie's immune system while a pozzie will be vulnerable in it. and despite our kinks, we practice safe sex - safe sex that isnt just condom sex, but proper cumshots and lubricants and all. we also made a pact, he's exclusively top and im bottom, to lessen his risk of contracting the virus, but he understood that there is still a risk.

so for those wondering why I have a good love and sex life, it's as simple as I have this strange luck that S understood my part, and Im just being responsible to my status, being truthful and honest pays a lot, you know.

plus, we live in a age where people are actually more accepting, I dont know if that is a surprise for some, but I've met negative people who are amused by positive people, so much amused some are willing to marry them, or some wants to "handle" them, for the other reason that - us Pozzies are responsible and we know the ways of keeping a negative a negative - unlike others whom they need to be cautious yet intimate with.

also, being Vain that I am, I am Appalled by a statement by one of the forum members in a gay networking site, in forum titled "what will you do if you were HIV+ ?" some of the answers are realistic and mature. from "I'll still live my life" to "be more healthy" to "be one with god" one of the answers captured my attention - this guy said "he'd do a total make-over and be a looker as positive people are not much of a looker" - now it could be a joke or said with a humor, but I'm annoyed by the stereotyping!

for one - HIV doesn't affect your physical being, I've met people on the AIDS status already and they are still as hunky and as gorgeous and as healthy as Adonis. true, there are some pozzies who look sick and look dead, some look like a merman, but that is not because of HIV, that is because of the allergic reaction to the medications - but that is treatable, I have a friend that when I first met him he looked so unhealthy, but once they started treating the allergy his looks improved - now he is gaining weight and is on his way of becoming a hunk again and his skin is becoming more alive.

us pozzies are not ugly, not even skeleton-thin thin... we are sexy, hot, irresistible and lovable - why do you think we got the virus in the first place? because many wanted to be with us. some allowed the many to touch them, and others are like me - who caught another ultra big fish (almost like king triton, but with prince erics' looks)and planted a seed of HIV to each other.

again, here are some stereotypes that I wanted to correct:

01: HIV+ are full of darkspots, acne and looks thin and malnourished - in respect to any physical beauty, you cant tell a pozzie by looks. HIV attacks the immune system, the immune system protects the body from viruses like a common cold. a lack of immune system doesn't equate to a pimple, it only means that its hard for us to heal from a small thing like a common cold. that hunky guy you made out with, whose arms you just want to crash you, that hunky guy whom you keep on saying "more!" and that hunky guy you adore to wash - has a possibility of being a pozzie much as that guy you snubbed off as "too average".

02: HIV+ = instant death: let me clarify, HIV isn't curable, true, but it is VERY MUCH treatable. we just monitor our immune system (cd4 count)every 6 months, the higher the count, the better, normal range is 350-1,500. HIV becomes AIDS once your CD4 count went from 200 below. you will start your medication once your CD4 count goes below the normal range. a CD4 of 1,500 and such isn't a guarantee of a misdiagnosis - a negative person can have a CD4 count of as much as 20,000 or so. during the 80's or so when HIV started to breakout, not one doctor knew about the details I discussed above, now all of them do. once a pozzie's immune system goes down, starting medications can bring it up again - yes, even up until 1,500. thus the reason why they are many HIV positive people are still alive after being a poz for 16 years or so... like the case of Magic Johnson. yes, to correct Peque Gallaga, we can grow old. my discussion above is also the reason why EARLY DETECTION is the best way to prolong your life - those who died from pneumonia found out too late.

03: HIV+ means no more sex: sorry to burst your bubble, but my back entry needs a rest - if you know what I mean.

04: HIV+ means yes to bareback sex: there are people out there who are so into bareback they wanna have HIV so that they could continue doing bareback. they're also wrong, much as sex is unlimited to a pozzie, pozzies are limited to safe sex. not to protect their partners but to protect themselves, see - the seminal fluid is not just a fluid of life, it is also the fluid of Hepa B, herpes, syphilis and other things - if a pozzie will be infected by another STD it will harder for them to be treated. so a pozzie needs to be more cautious than negative people.

05: HIV+ means No life = sorry again, with the medications and the open mindfulness of society now, a pozzie can do whatever he wants, he can travel even.

06: HIV+ easy transmission: you can only have HIV through Sex, swallowing, cumshots in open wounds / small cuts / pimples / breastfeeding from a pozzie and unsanitary needles. we can share utensils and kiss the whole day sweetie.

07: HIV+ are only for gay men: the only reason why gays are up in the list is because they are man enough to get tested, the rest are positives but, because of the flu-like symptoms, didn't notice that they are positive. even a baby can be positive, much more you.

there, so far that's all I can think of, feel free to message me again or so. :)

Monday, May 24, 2010

false alarm

mama B.I.T.C.H. told me I have a bad attitude of self-diagnosing.

so, for a while I thought I have Insomnia, then I discovered I can sleep like a baby during the day, and I have difficulties sleeping at night. so that doesn't mean I have insomnia... that means I have a deranged Body clock. yeah, I'm self-diagnosing again, I suppose. no wait, I am. sleep doctors are hard to find, and presumably expensive.

A week ago, I was watching telly when I felt like my temperature is going up, and I feel like im gonna have a fever, this is bad. really bad.

So i drank lots of water, and lie down on my bed and waited for sleep to come. seriously waited for sleep.

Told mom and sis that I cant sleep, and at that time I'm shaking already. of course my sister was more alert as she knew my condition, she's like panicking all over, mom too.

im on my bed, shaking, temperature up, mom beside me, sister on the other room. I still can't sleep. I gave instructions to my sister that when I woke up, if ever I fall asleep, and is still shaking and such, we will go to R.I.T.M. so she better save Ate A's number.

I told her to call ate A for emergencies. you know what she did? she called S.

Im still on my bed and Still shaking and still awake playing asleep when S arrived, mom was a bit happy to see him, so she left the room, without any ado S lie next to me, and I put my head on his chest and he was caressing my back and whispering words to make me relax. I instantly fell asleep, that was around 4am.

I woke up, alone, it was 2 in the afternoon, I stretched and - guess what - Im as healthy as a baby. no fever, no colds, no cough, no anything. was pondering on what had happened, then S came in suddenly, he just got off the shower,

"feeling better?"

"yeah, I suppose."

"See, Im just your cure."

I put out my tounge on him... he was also weird out, seeing how sick I was just the previous night, he told me maybe I just need more sleep, he told me to just stay in bed.

in which we did, you know, just stayed in bed. we tried to monitor more my health, whether I'll be sick again or so... I never did.

as S joked,

"Ma-mi-miss mo na nga lang ako, magpapakasakit ka pa!" I have no choice but to diagnose myself that I have the S syndrome... you know, needing S beside me that if I wasnt my body will act up. LOL

young young love.

It was a hot., sunny afternoon when I'm walking home after buying some stuff in the condo supermarket when I saw someone oddly familiar walking up in front of me.

It's MN. I'm quite sure of it, he wears this put on sleeves thing to hide the unwanted dark spots in his arms caused by the allergic reaction to the medication.

Soon as I got near, I was able to outline his Josh Hartnett like Jawline, It was him indeed.

He was talking to a friend, being my goofy self I stood behind his friend, made finger horns on his head in a way that his friend wont noticed, and flashed him my trademark 10000000 megawatt smile. he noticed me right away and waved back, finished talking to his friend and his friend left and he greeted me.

he was just hanging around the area and dropped by. Told him I live here, and told me how nice it was, at that time hunks are exiting from the condo gym and I told him to enjoy the view. we laughed.

I looked hard at him, when I first met him at the R.I.T.M. center his face are all scaly, which pretty much covered his former cute face, but he is still cute, in a merman kind of way... now his face seems to start clearing, I hardly noticed the dark spots round his neck and his cheeks now are like blushing red, which gave him a bit of a glow.

I told him he looks cute already and he seems well on his way to recovery, he gushed, and told me it was me who looks like improving from the papules. after the chit chat he left.

S arrived that night, we had dinner in my place as mom and sis will be late from work so I have the place all to myself, I told him about MN... who at the time was texting me asking if I know anyone who teaches piano as he is recovering a heartbreak and is putting his wounds in words as lyrics and wants to put music into it, gave him my contact and told him he is the best piano teacher Ive known.

so I told S about MN in full delight as I realized we have something in common - Music.

S shrugged, was quiet for a while, put on a pouty face and puppy-like eyes and asked me:

.. " you're not liking any positive guys now right? and you'll stick with me if you found a positive guy right?"

Uh Oh. jealousy storm,

I smiled, put my head on his shoulder and rubbed the back of his neck.

"I'm not liking any positive guys, and I'll stay here with you".

" are you sure?"

"Im sure".

then I kissed him and right there and then, we made good love.

aaah. young love, Im definitely not dying. :)

Friday, May 14, 2010

I am not sick... Oh well, other than having HIV virus in my system, Im healthy.

yesterday I went to R.I.T.M. way beyond schedule (who says there's traffic nearing alabang? nobody warned me!) but alas I made it.

and yes, the red spots on my face and forearms, are just papules., nothing more and nothing less, In fact, the rest of the derma doctors and Ate E are just laughing everytime I voice out a concern it could be something else... well, it Isn't.

I told S about this, he wondered why I wasn't happy to know that.

simply because, Had I been diagnosed with a STD of sort other than having HIV, then I know what's causing this, thus I will know medical treatment.... But the reason that it's just really all because of how hypersensitive my skin is... then that's a 'lil bit hard to treat, first we need to try the topical creams, then the anitbiotics then the dont-go-near-the-sun mantra and sorts. it's a complete guessing game.

however, one good point to check is that, when I was at R.I.T.M.'s derma section, I was with fellow pozzie friends who indeed, have the HIV lesions and skin problems that I thought I had. and they're all looking at me like crazy wondering If i have the same thing, and all they need to tell me is - look at your skin to ours. you are a lucky brat so get out of here! which is true. it's nice to witness first hand what they actually look like compared to seeing it on photos in the internet... certainly I don't have any of it.

plus I met fellow pozzie MN. MN is actually cute. too bad he had Steven johnson syndrome. with lack for a better word, his skin now is almost like scales, with blisters on the palm of his hand and foot. for those who didnt know, steven johnson syndrome is an allergic response of sorts, usually to some drugs that are used to Treat HIV.... that's why the next few weeks are vital for those pozzies who just started taking the medication, to know if they have some allergic reaction to the drug.

so MN, is enough evidence for me to say, hey, what you got is actually nothing. and that's all I will need to know.

and just like any other fellow pozzies, our first conversation with each other included how healthy our immune system is...

I told him mine is still good at 462... I asked him his.... he told me, that before it's 510..... surprised, I asked; so why are you on medication? that's still high! he replied: that was before, I just had my CD4 (immune system) checked and now's 330. what?!?!?!1

yeap, in just a matter of 6 months, it all went down that fast... that's why he advised me three things : always be happy, exercise, and sleep tight.

I certainly don't want to be in medications yet. better do what he says...

come to think of it, on the way home I felt happy. (all because I saw people in a worst condition than mine - bad me, bad me, but alas, it relieved my paranoia.)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

truth be told. I feel like im Deteriorating. Dying even. literally.

Drawback is im feeling hyperactive. too active sometimes I dont feel sleepy at all, and by the time I will feel like sleeping, A little activity such as texting or turning off the lights will make me wanna do things more.

though being energetic is a good thing, it's a bad thing when you are having a hard time to sleep. especially on my case - im HIV positive and I can't afford to have Insomia. I need all the rest that I can get.

another bad thing is that the red spots on my face and forearms got worst, they are doing fine, fading and everything - then My mom planned a family outing, we hit the beach, convincing me how "medicinal" the salt water is, being a underwater fan myself, she doesnt need to convince me much, I spent most of the time underwater, checking the corals and the multi-colored fishes, and doing lapses.

had fun, yeah, but soon as I looked at the mirror, the red spots on my face and forearms doubled. soon as I got home I re-started the medications again to no avail.

it feels like having Acne again, being too embarrassed to go out and saying goodbye to your confidence. I cant look at myself without feeling bad.

and to make things worst, my being in the ocean way too much resulted to a sunburn on my back. I have a good tan, I know, I look dark, just how the caucasians wanted it. but it left me wondering how much of my CD4 or my Immune system will it take for it to heal back to it's normal state.

it also didnt help that my mom, much as I love her, Is way too controlling and everything without her knowing. it's hard for her to accept that i cant eat her beloved shrimps and crabs, that when the doctors told me I cant eat Tuna for a while, she went mad, being my dad a tuna exporter, she had fresh tuna meat delivered into our house and told me to eat them. aaaargh!

bad decisions and choices surround me. I need to act up.

Goal is to be healthy, and keep myself away from the ARVs for a while. it seems like im not doing much of a good job.

yeah, Im depressed about it.

I wont let negativity win, im just letting it all out here.

will go to R.I.T.M. sometime this week for a check up. gonna keep myself healthy from now on.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

paranioa killed the kitty

Being paranoid usually have it's ups and downs, with more downs than the ups, but it helps. usually.

for a performer like me, it helps to be paranoid to have a good performance (hence, the term O.A. or over-acting)by some.

for a positive person like me, it helps to distinguish whether a simple sneeze is actually life threatening or a small feather is just stuck in your nose.

In my case - whether this red spots on my face and arms are just the same-old story of Acne or a manifestation of something else.


It was a Saturday, in the mighty (chubby) arms of S, when he complained that my facial causes him an irritating tickle whenever we; A: Kiss B: cuddle and C: when I simply brush my head on his shoulder. thus a que for me to actually shave. which I did.

Soon as I was done, imagine my surprise that beneath my grown stubble are pimples (I presumed) in a state of a break-out.

so que in my usual facial treatments recommended by my dermatologist for breakouts (Duac " Benzoyl peroxide with clindamycin as phospate" and Steiva-A "tretinoin" for you scientific readers) when behold, behold, there are more similar red spots on my forearms and chest.

Oh No.

I told S, Immediately, who kinda shrugged it off, told me to relax, cuddled me still and...whatever.

It also didn't help that we're watching "Supernatural" season 5, in a episode where Sam and Dean are trap in TV land, and Sam is forced to advertise a parody of a topical cream called herpexia - for herpes.

my paranoid mind went nuts - is this a sign? come to think of it, I seem to have a bad luck with any boy Im with, remember my ex? yeah - He who gave Me HIV... what if, what if... S - gave me something else too - I told him my sentiments (insert fights here).

I went to R.I.T.M. to have myself checked, I was pretty much sure it is a STD of sorts.

until I was told -


yeah, an Allergy breakout. I asked again - this aint herpes? syphilis? blah blah?

the doctor checked my body again, checked the red spots, checked my "down there". she said No.

A simple case of Allergy, an Indicator that my skin is becoming more sensitive than usual due to my HIV and I need to take certain precautions from now on, and try to live a Stress-free life.

I was given prescriptions, and Not-to-eat food. when I say not-to-eat food, I meant the only thing I can eat now are fresh beef and pork meat(not from the cans such as corned beef - I cant eat anything with preservatives) vegetables, apple and banana. all else, even a simple bread and cake, is Off the menu (temporarily, until the symptoms vanish). I even have to change my daily soap.

as bad as it was, admitting I was wrong and paranoid to S, is the hardest part. but all was done and we made up - though we made it clear we wont make love yet until this is gone.

I hate allergies. hate them. I want my old skin back. oh well, it's getting there.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I can't Afford to have H.I.V.

I didn't mean that figuratively, I mean Literally. and I didn't mean just HIV, I mean any sickness, I can't afford to be sick. It's way too expensive. I think.

Last Friday My mom was rushed in a Hospital somewhere in Greenhills.

I was in the 2nd day of the photoshoot when TITA informed me about mom's situation, we immediately went to the hospital to check up on mom.

In the hospital I was busy nursing my mother and processing the admitting forms.

my sister was left in the house to wait for my absent father, so it was just me, TITA and mom's secretary in the hospital.

Tita and Mom's secretary are busy talking to the doctors about the condition, and they needed mom's Secretary's testimonials on what happened as mom can't speak out a sentence but just a word. so yeah, I was the one left doing the admitting processing.

and it wasn't easy, I was shaking when the staff gave me some papers to sign, I was reading them one by one and I can't seem to understand all of it, it also didn't help that there are lots of patients going around coughing and sneezing that suddenly I was afraid of my own health, I might pick up something here. yeah, mighty me with HIV, you might say, but that doesn't mean they should be more cautious to me, unless I'll have sex with them, which is unlikely, but in reality I should be the one more Cautious to Them as they can give me something I can't heal myself from, you know.

so I was able to sign the papers and chose a private room for mom when I was asked to pay for the deposit, I was like, what? and when they told me how much I want to sink from the floor.

I told TITA about the amount and she just simply shrugged it off, she has enough cash on hand to pay for it anyway.

so anyway, what happened was, Mom vomited after lunch, and felt dizzy, she almost passed out but fought to remain conscious, she was rushed first at a hospital in Makati (as she was in the office that time) where they did some tests, all tests came back normal except for her blood pressure as it fluctuates every minute, they did a CT - Scan to check for any clots on her brain.

she was asked to be admitted for observation and she said via writing that she wanted to be in greenhills hospital (mom can't speak that moment)

anyway, the next day we were told by mom's handsome doctor that she almost had a heart attack, and what happened is a mere warning of the worst to come if she won't take care of herself. her Blood pressure is still not normal but since all tests are good, she can be released. she will just be under medications from then on.

my absent father was still absent during the whole incident. just proving what I thought of him is right.

what burst my bubble is simply = the insurance.

mom simply shrugged off the hospital bills as her health insurance pretty much covered half of it, I was the one doing all the processing and I was shocked that in just one day the bills went up. it'll be way expensive had my mom have no insurance at all.

which made me realize my case, J (my sire) was rejected of a health insurance when they found out he is HIV positive, he told me his case is different as he is self-employed, but once I can get an employer I can actually have an insurance without passing some medical check ups.

his explanation only made me feel like a child, which I am, I am new to this thing, suddenly there's a lot to learn. and all I can think of, how on earth am I gonna do this?

when my mom was discharged and everything, all went smoothly. suddenly I felt unable. all that Ive been doing is process this and that, do this and that, and the fact that I can't even provide the expenses and all I can give is man power makes me feel small, and it makes me afraid of my well-being.

Im thinking of what will happen later on, when Im older, when my CD4 went down and I got hospitalized, will I have enough money to pay for it? or how about if I will apply for an insurance? will I be disclosing my HIV status? or like J, I'll be rejected for the insurance? what will happen then? if I will save money, will it be enough? countless thoughts run through my head.

suddenly having HIV makes things complicated when it shouldnt be.

S told me to relax and not think about it. he did advise me that I should take advantage of what I have now, keep my CD4 up, continue my healthy lifestyle, and Save enough money.

I can prevent being hospitalized, he said.

it's my first taste of reality in the so called "real world" and I am in awe at how adults take care of things, I just hate the feeling of not knowing what to do.

will I survive when I'm alone? who will take care of things?

S is right, better stop thinking.

better be healthy and save more money.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

yeah yeah. just some random rant

yeah, I know, lack of updates on my blog, and since it's 3:27 am now and I can't sleep (don't worry, I was asleep from 5pm - 12am... I tried to sleep again and I can't), I guess it's the best time to update my blog.

A lot have been happening since graduation, it's like, Suddenly I was whipped out of the HIV world and I'm back on my regular day-to-day basis, having rarely heard any updates on my pozzie friends, I guess this is the phrase when you truly experience that There is life in HIV. and when I say Life I mean figuratively, Like all else is normally busy.

to start off, I'm glad to let you know, I have officially joined the league of you-and-me-against-the-hypocritical-world, taboo and almost unaccepted type of a romantic relationship... no, Im not talking of a Man-to-Man relationship, dummy, though it is a M2M relationship, I meant HIV-negative-to-HIV-Positive relationship.

yeah, S and I are together, again. I knew it, yeah. It didnt start good, though.

since the Baccalaureate Mass drama we've been spending lots of times together, usually him vising my flat after 6pm, or going and watching my voice rehearsals.

so anyway, as my paranoid mind perfectly predicted, S was afraid of me, I meant my HIV status, his mentality, then so sort of like those in the 80's, got him thinking touching me while Im sweaty can have him infected, and lot's of similar stuff.

So I told him what I knew (insert boring lectures here coupled with a few debates), had him read HIV related articles, let him know HIV preventive measures, and how I can not infect him.

He understood, But was still afraid (insert more fighting) tried to fight his irrational fears (insert more disagreements).

so, basically, we started with him regularly checking his lips and mine for cuts before kissing me, me convincing that 8 gallons of saliva doesn't mean some of my saliva left in glass of water or utensil and that we can share drinks and utensils and so on.

the sex part was the worst, we didn't have sex for a while, we are contented with the hugging, cuddling and careful kissing, but then one night he wanted it, again, cause of his fears we've done it slow, like, handjobs. One time I squirted a Lot of cum and it sprayed all over and he panicked because I gave his chest a cumshot - and his chest has no cuts at all.

so anyway, we started from there, i don't know why I even tolerated his utmost fear from me, but we learned from it, now, he's way too comfortable that he doesn't check his lips anymore for cuts before he will kiss me, he hugs me more intimately now, and as of last night we finished off the 3rd box of my condom stacks. basically, everything is all good. though he's afraid of meeting other Pozzies yet, Im quite sure he's not ready for the full-on immersion type, better make sure he wont make a bad first impression to my pozzie friends before I will introduce them to each other.

N.B. also for a while, he got jealous with new york, but new york vanished soon as Easter came, anyway.

so on my professional work.

I wont go into details, but I will have a show sometime in may, that's what the rehearsals are for, but waiting for my talent fee to come (living of rehearsal money as of now, talent fee will be given after the show) is becoming a bit of an issue, I mean, money isn't much of an issue now, but I can say that it is bound to happen soon. Panicking, I went on a job hunt the day before the show's principal Photography, it went well, the job hunt, on my first day and on the first company I applied, I got accepted, the job offer will be the next day. so on I went If i really wanted nor even needed this job because after 2 months, I'll be a goer. like, vanish in this place (didn't mean the workplace, you take a good guess cause I wont say it here), plus, I'll be working at nights, as the recruitment staff told me - the day shift account I wanted was just axed, like, months ago and all they have are night shift accounts.

thinking I could just resign after 2 months of so, I was thinking accept or not, it came at a bad time as well as the next day I'll be busy for the whole afternoon because of the photo shoot.

so I need to think. and I need opinions, so I asked around.

Mom, TITA, and Gay bestfriend 1 are all against it.

S - is afraid of my CD4 count which made me more paranoid. but he has a point, ah, that's why I love you, you know, mwah!

mama B.I.T.C.H. - asked me my priority.

S - still afraid of my CD4 and really wants me to NOT accept the job, and that we could use the time just being together.

Gay best friend 1 - reminded me I still have money.

Mom - reminded me I still have money, too. and what we will do 2 months from now.

TITA - reminded me of the shows and rehearsals I need to attend to and felt disrespected for my even considering getting a different job.

so, yeah, I didn't took the job. went a full-on diva, and never answered the company's call. ah, I love rejecting, LOL.

anyway, just 2 days ago Mom was suddenly rushed to the hospital because of the heat. though lucky she didnt have a heart attack, the heat stroke left a scar on mom's health. her blood pressure is fluctuating by the minute, it ranges from 160 - 110 then back to 160, she was under observation for a night, all results are normal except for her blood pressure, was given medications and she needs to follow it. more on that experience on my next post as that experience gave me an insight and a moment of depression.

so until then, ciao!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Bad, you know, bad. just bad

I woke up around 10am today and was convinced that today will be just like any other day and there is nothing worth writing about...

I was dead wrong.

So, I woke up, typical stuff, Hot Choco, Ginger ale, Breakfast, Shower, but instead of turning the computer on I decided that the DVD player needs attention so Off I watched Shake, Rattle and Roll 2 and Aswang on DVD, yeap, I have those local horror classics on DVD, dont ask me how...

so fast forward to 3 in the afternoon, I decided that the summer heat is tolerable enough for me to workout in the gym (tummy is feeling better, less sharp pain, I can eat already, though not more than usual) I was on the elevator when suddenly... A buzzing sound came in, the lights flickered and then... Darkness.

okay, hello, am I dead? is this the ride to heaven or so? I thought to myself as all I can see is black.

okay, so rewind in a bit, this is how it happened, I entered the elevator, pressed "G" for me to go to the ground level, the sliding door closed, I felt the elevator car go down for a bit, the buzz sound, flickered lights and darkness.

okay, rewind again... maybe a string was cut and the elevator car crashed.... I wondered again, I pinch myself, It hurts, Pinched my tummy, it hurts wonderfully as well. yeap im alive.

hello? HELLO?!?!? I said, my voice echoed, later on my eyes got adjusted to the darkness, I can see a few outline, I shouted loudly

HELP! IM TRAP HERE! HEEEEELP! Then I banged on what I think is a wall.

breathe in, stomach in, voice powered by diaphragm and chest - HEEEEEEEELP!!!!

Ugh, what's the use of being a singer when I cant use my voice to scream for help?

Like, seriously, this is what they call security? there isnt even a emergency light installed, nor does the emergency button light itself red just so I know what to press and call for help!

someone also banged on the wall, which now I think is the sliding door (insert me screaming as someone banged, since I love to watch horror films, guess now is the best time to practice the damsel in distress scream queen act eh?)

are you okay there?

It's the guard, I was told that the electricity suddenly went out, and that something went wrong in one of the wires of the generator thus not a single supply of power can get through our building, I asked if I can be exited, he asked if I can wait as they are trying to fix the generator as once a little power can come in the elevator can operate normally, or whether I wanna do some "let's get out the elevator" act I always see in horror films and action films nowadays.

hmmm... I thought about it. then I remembered scenes in the movie "resident evil" and "final destination 2" and Halloween H20"... all those who got trapped in the elevator either got their limbs chopped, or better yet, was beheaded final destination style. so I told him I'll wait.

He told me to calm myself, less panic (never work) and that they are fixing the generators now.

so I sat on the floor, having no choice as there are no seat available, the guard said he has to go, I pleaded no (the darkness, is too dark) but he has to, generator thing, he told me to relax as he already informed the rest that Im in the elevator, I heard from replies on his walkee talkee that one elderly woman was also trapped in the other tower, as it turns out, they are more attentive to her than to me as, well, the term was, she's more near death than me. ugh, unfair! as if im not dying in fright that very moment!

it also didnt help that I watched 2 horror classic that morning, I tried to erase the memory of aswangs on trees, of alma moreno on the rooftop making her tongue long to decapitate a pregnant lady... I almost succeeded when..

I remembered that scene in the eye where an ugly ghost is fast approaching that clairvoyant girl in the elevator... ugh! bad bad bad! I was shaking on my boots when suddenly,

zooming sound, lights flickered, light came in (thank goodness! was actually in tears) the elevator car, however, shook a little bit, it wasnt moving, then I pressed "G" again, it shook again, then I felt it moved, when the sliding doors opened, there are like dozens of people waiting, unfortunately, they arent there waiting for me, like If im okay or not, they are stranded and was waiting for the elevator to be available for them, one even nodded, one gave an apologetic smile, I walked out embarrassingly! I can hear a mom tell her kid "he got trapped sweetie, it's fine now", aaaargh it isnt!

caught up with the guard, was relieved I was okay, I was still shaking, tried to relax, they want me to head to the administration for some reports and to confirm Im okay, like no injuries or whatever, guess they're looking for proof they're not liable to anything or so, they offered free drinks and food, though, which I think was nice.

I was told I was inside for 20 minutes, really? that was just in minutes, I asked them, It felt longer!

so anyway, my fear subsided when I went straight to the gym and worked out.

so as I was working out, I noticed this guy with great, soft skin, like the clearest skin!, good small face, and nice middle-length long brown hair, what attach me more is his toned arms, exactly what I wanted, not big enough, but toned enough.

so I smiled as he saw me looking at him, he smiled back. back to working out again, guess it must be working for me as when I look into him and smiles, he smiles back, which is nice.

I was doing my shoulder workout when he started to walk towards me, I grinned at him, he grinned back, and went straight ahead, oh... he's going to the rest room... I wonder if that is a sign for me to follow him and..

oh wait...

he went inside the female restroom, he, i mean she went inside the female restroom!

@$@#!~#@#!@##!@#!!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what the hell!!!??!!? no, Im gay! I like boys! Only boys!

a cute hunky teen patted me on the shoulder and told me I have no chances on her, as she's a lesbian, right there and then I wanted to punch him! Im not even contemplating on the thought, oh my!

I need to focus on men! and correct my taste! so on I went and looked at the different men around me. this is baddd!

later on she went out of the restroom, she changed back to her regular clothes, more noticeably woman now than when she's wearing her baggy gym outfit that makes her look like a man!

she smiled back at me and I looked away.

what a bad day im having!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

better be careful.

So I was on the ab rocket chair, doing some serious abs workout on my left side, when after doing it so, I felt a little gush coming out from my upper left abdomen, the way that I visualize it was a liquid or so spilled out from within and filled my lower belly (im talking internally, k?).

as I was on my left side I find it hard to straighten my body, soon as I was able to, I felt an extreme pain from the waist up, it lingered most specially on my head, giving me a strong headache and I can feel the nerves around my hands shake in the sensation and it feels like im about to explode.

the whole time I want to collapse, I just fought the feeling, didnt do my rightside abs workout as I can't, quite obviously. and walked home, and trying to stay awake.

usually the gym and my unit is just a 15 minute walk, but I was so slow I walked for about 30 minutes, I can see dark shadows on both sides and I was saying to myself "Stay awake, stay awake" . I literally just want give in and collapse, but Rico Yan came to mind, I dont want to die in my sleep.

soon as I got home, I drank tons of water, the sharp pain on my upper left abdomen went stronger, Still afraid to fall asleep, I turned on my PC and posted my condition on my profile, luckily, a friend, who is a nurse guided me through.

we chatted online via messenger and I turned on my webcam so I can point where I felt the gush of liquid fall out and where it stayed and such... well, he told me not to worry as I look fine and as healthy as a horse, though he admitted I look so red, he asked for abdominal pains and I told him I cant feel any pain on my stomach now, but the pain lingered in my head, particularly on my temples, making me want to sleep.

friend nurse cant give any diagnosis based on my description, he found it too weird, said I might just tore a muscle or so, but I kept on saying - I felt a gush of liquid fall out. which I think makes it more weird, he told me to go to the hospital and have it checked, but since it was too late (around 11pm, finished working out around 10pm) I said I cant, of course there are other factors to think about like telling my mom we need to go to a hospital, doctors do some tests, and a possible force disclosure of my HIV status. I cant risk that yet.

he advised me to sleep, which I did, I was praying so hard that I will be able to wake up and not die from my sleep (hey, you experience a liquid coming out of your intestines? so understand my panic. )

fortunately I did woke up, all feeling fine, as if nothing happened.

every now and then I will feel a sharp pain on my upper left abdomen, but later on in a day it will be gone, it will hurt more whenever I get hungry, and will hurt even more when I eat, it feels like you just ate and you suddenly danced? that feeling of tummy tightness when you cant move, that's how it almost feels like - when I eat.

texted Dr. Glasses that Ill visit the campus sometime this week for a check up. will observe the pain for a while (no, im not saving it for my masochistic desires, dummy.)

P.S. also told Voice teacher about this, why? well, she originally is a licensed physician before deciding to stop practicing and focus on music... she said "oh, it must be your spleen" "my spleen?" on to a explanation I cant really comprehend.

she said further "well, you dont look that unhealthy, just have it checked for your peace of mind".

holy holy holy

yeah, Im back. if some of you are wondering what the hell am I doing these past few weeks after my graduation, it's just as simple as : Sleep, Eat, Gym, Swimming, Voice rehearsals, and did I mention more sleep? hence the lack of updates on my blog, I mean, what do you want me write about? my dreams where Sam Worthington trapped me in the dungeon to be his sex slave? nah, those kind of write-ups are not meant to be written here.

anyway, though uneventful as it seems, there are some things that happened during the holy week that are worth mentioning.

1: Holy Wednesday: Gay best friend 1, after resigning from his stressful job decided that it's the best time to interrupt my wonderful sleep, off we went to Big mall nearby to buy some new stuff for his camera thing (gay best friend 1 sidelines as a photographer, and he's a good one, you've seen his works, mostly if you follow local movies and unknown models), now see, Gay best friend 1 has a heart condition, thus the lack of work load lately, now I was with him when My heart palpitate, it felt like it's trying to come out of my rib cage and once it realized it can't happened, I can literally feel my heart go down, I texted Dr. Glasses about this, told me to have my BP checked, it came out as normal, Gay best friend 1, being almost a "genius" about heart problems thanks to his condition, told me it's just a simple heartburn. we later on ate as to relief the palpitation, of course I panicked, he doesnt know my real health Status now see.

2: Holy thursday: rehearsals were moved to good friday (hey, us artist will take all the time to improve on our craft, okay? pardon to some who considers it as such an occasion to some religious sorts), New york kept me company through text and calls, he cant be with me physical as, being traditional, he's in a province I'll call Paris. mom left already for her retreat, and Im all alone, S found out im alone, invited himself over around 1 in the afternoon, I gleefully said yes, he arrived 7 in the evening, nice, so typical of him. so what did we watch?

  • the little mermaid
  • beauty and beast
  • one more chance
yeah, so childish I know, but hey! I was in the mood for good 'old disney films! soon as we finished beauty and beast S wanted to watch something "mature". so I played One more chance, where he laughed, we tried to re-enact the famous scenes in the movie but we cant perfect it as we always end up laughing, anyway, we werent able to finish the film as somewhere along the film we fell asleep (seriously, literally. not figuratively, why? I think the couch is big enough for the two of us..)

3: Good friday: woke up with the sound of erik santos' belting out I'll never go, it's the one more chance menu selection, and ehem ehem, S's arms are around me (insert me having good chills), stayed there for a while 'til he woke up, and his arms are still around me as he greeted me good morning (insert more chills). told him I have voice rehearsals at mini coliseum, he offered to drive me there, and My, what a love drive it was - the entire city is like a ghost town, im actually waiting for zombies to come out, see, the city is as empty as the opening of 28 days later.

4: Black Saturday: had dinner with good old friends I havent seen for a long while, Co-actress was there, Co-actress just recently landed a spot in a GMA 7 new reality dating show that is almost done, will air around april 29 or so (promote?) told me to stopped doing stage performances and level up, and go to VTR's, I reminded her my skin isnt good enough for TV, she shrugged it off and said "what's the make-up for?" told her I'd think about it, but, nah, Im not superficial enough for TV, I prefer the stage.

mom got home and on we went to church for the easter vigil mass.

was texting new york the whole week, talking even as usual before we sleep, I dont know what happened after Easter, we just, stopped communicating. I'm a bit sad about it, I dont know why. I mean, I havent heard from calves, eldest, green frog and mama B.I.T.C.H. for a while but I know we're fine, with new york, it's different.

oh well, as they say, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be, I may never know, I might hear from him again a few days from now.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

bum and condoms

As a fresh graduate, I am obliged to do nothing at all and be a complete bum, simply because I earned it, c'mon, years of sleepness nights backed up by personal and school related problems, professors feeding you a daily dosage of paranoia, and let's not forget the fact that HIV came in the picture later on.

being sleepless for 2 nights, I spent most of days asleep and most of my nights talking to new york. he's a good new found friend I met in a conventional way... yes, friend... I wont assume anything or else, new york and I have been honest with each other (yeap, even my HIV status and my masochistic desires he keeps on teasing me about) and Im grateful of our budding friendship.

the goal of being asleep by 10pm seems far stretch as by 10pm, I am just waking up. oh well.

so what does a HIV positive, Fresh graduate do now?

  • Gym: I finally uploaded my Graduation pictures, what's the point of hiding my "Bloated, fat" self when my so-called friends tagged me already in their pictures? In person, as I was told, I dont look That fat, but that doesnt mean I should lead a Sedimentary Lifestyle. p.s. Also a good Flirtation place.
  • Swim: Since I was a Kid, I love swimming already, never mind that I got the inspiration from Daryl Hannah's mermaid Character in Splash! and Alice Dixon's Dyesebel. But at least I was able to fulfill my childhood fantasy of being a mermaid! though I still suck at the butterfly stroke,Being free from anything give me more time to be in the water, and No, HIV cant be transmitted from the pool waters. P.S. the condo pool is the epicenter of all flirtation, best give a good stroke then!
  • Voice Rehearsals: As guided by my lovely voice coach, I will Unlearn my recent technique and will learn her proper vocal placements, alas - the time to be a raw singer again.
As of now that's all I'm doing, I also did some serious shopping, I need a Healthy, Anti- opportunistic Diseases Kit, you know, thus I bought:
  1. Medical Masks (if someone sneezed within your bubble, it's damnation. better be armed)
  2. Hand Sanitizers (it's a very, very dirty place we live in now)
  3. Alcohol Spray (need I say more It's a dirty place?)
  4. MultiVitamins and Vitamin C's (in case I'll be out in the house and I need to take them)
  5. Sky Flakes and Wheat Breads (in case I'll get hungry once outside and the nearby restaurants are far beyond reach)
  6. yes, dont be surprised.. I bought Condoms and Lubricants.
Sorry Mama B.I.T.C.H. for me saying this yet again, but signs are nearing that my next ideal man is just within reach.


  1. during the HIV awareness event, the icky female bunny gave me a sample condom and, ehem ehem, a discount card from some "private place".
  2. boys and men alike are coming in now and then, p19 is still there pissing me off, let's not forget S who, though never replies to my messages, visits my place now and then, new york of course, whom I'm loving the company, and RG. RG resides in the condo as well, saw me walking near ministop, later caught me online at and as they say, a stalker is born.
  3. let's be open minded, though I tend to be close-minded in the notion of sex, might as well change it eh? like a filipino saying kung kelan tumanda tsaka lumandi! why can't we make a new saying kung kelan nagka-HIV tsaka nagladlad! that will originally be mine? aight?

so yeah, though I'm still reserved, I bought packs of condoms and lubricants, anyway, It's true that sometimes, Sex starts everything, S and I, though we admitted each other's feelings first, later on made love soon as we confirmed our status as lovers that very night, we ended after 2 years though... but still, what will I do if I became a lover of someone and he will say immediately "let me rape and savage you now 'til eternity" and I have no protection with me aight? best not to ruin those moments.

so will I do experiments now that I'm "free" from any scheduling conflicts? I'm admittedly curious. but what I have is more than just Curiosity, I have HIV, though it wont stop me, nor anyone for that matter, from doing what they want, it's still a responsibility. I can still say in good conscience that I haven't infected anyone, and I intend to keep it that way...

But you know, it's true what Greenfrog and mama B.I.T.C.H. said, most of the time, they prefer to make out with someone who is HIV positive, not because they wanted it, but because they know we are responsible enough to not infect them with it (read: more safe to play with).

So If I want to be responsible about it, why not just simply bring condoms and its proper lubricants? doesnt mean I'll be officially a whore-in-training nor being a hopeless romantic again looking for love...

Im just being responsible and grown up enough about it.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

freedom at last

Today is the day. it's Graduation Day, finally!

however, on this big day, I am dead tired, simply cause:

01: the Baccalaureate Mass drama posted prior to this...
02: Because of 01, was able to sleep 'round 3am... Need to wake up 'round 10am or so for the birthday celebration in R.I.T.M. of the march celebrants, which includes me.

needless to say, I woke up 'round lunchtime... way too late for the celebration, I didn't know if I'll attend or not, but then again I'm used to being tardy, and with mama B.I.T.C.H. telling me to go since I have some food with me to share, I attended.

so on the eve of my Graduation I was at R.I.T.M. with a semi-post celebration of my birthday, attending to not-so-newbie A, who is having a hard time accepting his HIV status, and that he needs to start medications already, was given no choice but to buy a watch from Grandma and witnessed the birth of my new sibling whom I'll call H. H was soon "adopted" by Daddy B.I.T.C.H. needless to say I invited H to a HIV awareness event to introduce him to mama B.I.T.C.H.

the event was cool, though I kinda noticed the band (3rd avenue, love the male vocalist and the keyboardist, weeeee!) more than HIV talk itself... Oh well, in Media Management Talk, it's just a matter of bad Media organization in a concept that is good...they just weren't able to balance it out, I wonder what my PR and Media Man Professor would say...

got home past midnight, which my mom didn't like because, oh well, it's the Graduation later on and I need to get my beauty sleep (exact words, so gay, but yes it came from mom.)

unfortunately I wasnt able to sleep, mainly for 3 reasons:

1: The assembly time is way too early for me, which worries me that I wouldn't be able to wake up on time to make it there.

2: new york and I are texting, A conversation I wont put into details here (privacymuch)

3: S, who didnt reply to any of my messages, would be there... weeeeeeee

So I was tossing and turning 'round my bed, replying to new york every now and then, was about to sleep when he will text, I will reply, because I want to... Melikes his company see.

I didnt know if I was able to sleep but around 6am mom woke us up, she was panicking, as we're almost late as she said... at this time of the hour, the way to MOA / SMX is just near, needless to say, My mom is more excited than me.

unfortunately, Mom is right (as they always claim) we are almost late as Im lucky enough to even make it on the processional... mom and I walked on the aisle while we tried to compose ourselves from running from that eternal escalator built near entrance.

we made it anyway, mom is seated behind me, when the rector grant us our degrees and called us graduates, I gave out a sigh of relief, it's like all the burden in the world was lifted from my shoulders, you know, in that split second I felt light - all of my hard work paid off! I remember when J.M. (my fourth ex) and I are thesis partners and we spent more time dating than finishing our paper brought a lot of heated quarrels later on, all the cramming, all night studying, endless efforts of proving your intelligence - all of this hard work are worth it! it's such a lovely feeling!

soon after I was called and exited the stage, I went straight to my professors and hugged all of them - though Im child-like, I tend to make friends more with mature people, I'm closer to my professors, particularly to the math department and social science department professors, I really dont know why! though Im also close to my communication area professors, I feel more closer and comfortable to my math professors... weird. (as usual I caused a 'lil delay as, overwhelmed with gratitude, I hugged and thanked all of my professors along the way, my perky self coming out, feeling the need to hug everyone again, you know.)

along the way, I met my old friends , who are there as photographers, surprised to learn that I've graduated this year and not last year as expected, I saw my P as well, P is the first person I met in my college, and we became close friends immediately, however, she stopped after our junior year as she became a proud mama, her family just let her brother finish first, as financial matters became a big matter with the inclusion of my godson, now Im so happy to learn that she re-enrolled for the next semester.

Oh, I also found out that the guy I met in the LRT in this post here is a former alumnus of my college, no wonder why he looks familiar!

of course there was S, he has the nerve to look at me in the eye and smile, but at the time (as I was walking in the aisle) I felt way too happy that I just forget everything and just smiled back, but mom saw S too, and like a conservative mom teaching her "daughter" to be conservative as well, she pinched my back discreetly as we passed through S's row.. weeeee!

so all throughout the ceremony (my course was called third, so my course mates and I are free to "go around" the function hall) I was busy replying to all those who texted their greetings, texted new york too, S greeted me as well, ho hum.

since the ceremony is taking way too long to end, I played the "Im lost" game with the cute ushers, talked to LRT guy, catched up with P, did photo-ops with fellow friends, which later on I found hard to upload as, ehem, I gained too much weight! I need my facial hair back, I need to tone up again.

anyway, soon as the ceremony ended, we all hugged and cried tears of joy, photo ops everywhere! and, ehem, we all exchanged numbers! even to those whom we didnt know! we're all that happy!

I saw P and her family, some fellow friends, and actual batchmates who, like me, are delayed for a year, hugs and kisses, I was looking for S's family, honestly, but we're way too many that I cant find them, when D patted my back, saw them, we all cheered, saw my ex-in-laws, ex-dad-in-law looks thinner now, his hairline is still intact though, ex-mom-in-law looked as glamorous as ever, though she obviously gained a wattle in her chin, S... hmmm, still looks.... aaargh! we just hugged, had a photo taken with D and S together with me in the middle (perfect threesome!) and, lo and behold, I was introduced to D's girlfriend... so the threesome wont happen anytime soon.

new york is still keeping me company through text, I decided to turn down offers from my batch mates to eat at MOA as I want to spend this time with mom and sis. Dad, as usual, isnt around as he is "busy".. but like in his usual way of making his presence felt in the family, he deposited more money in my bank account... weee, yeah, though my dad is a Tuna Exporter, my dad is really more of a bank to us. seriously... :)

later on me, mom and sis ate at kimpura in greenhills, with mom making sure I wont accidentally eat something with shrimps, oysters, squids and seashells in it, this is how a conversation between me and mom went:

"son, your MaƱa Cum Laude looks gay"...

"oh, GHT? I dont know, he's just a bit of an introvert I guess"

GHT is a third degree friend or so, see J.M. my ex, is close to a friend of GHT , so I know him, but he doesnt strike me as gay...

"Son, I think he is... Why wont you make friends with him?"

"oh, we are, he just texted me a congratulations message"

"good, ask him out, I bet he's way better than S."

wow, the best graduation gift ever, A mom as cool and as controlling as mine.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Pre-Graduation blues

All week long I've been "almost" busy with my Graduation Rehearsals for this Saturdays' Commencement Exercises, (insert happy, golly smile here).

the rehearsal itself is pretty boring and uneventful, nothing worth writing about except one fact:

1: My being two years delayed in my college academics (stopped after high school for theater, and add another for my back subjects) made it possible for me to be included in the Graduating batch of D.


So you must all be wondering who the hell is D, well, here goes...

remember S? S who is briefly mentioned in my earlier posts? well, S is my first boyfriend, first love, first everything.

We are together for 2 years, enough time for us to be well attached to each other - attached enough that we spend too much time in each others' house almost every weekend, making it possible for the both of us to know each others' families.

Later on S was introduced as a boyfriend, and Im introduced as "one of the gang", unfair eh? oh well, S's parents bought it, except for D.

D is S's Little brother. D has been doubtful about our status, he soon found out my real relationship with his brother, he didnt took it well, but he cooled later on after many attempts to prove I love and wont hurt his brother.

At that time, D was nerdy-like. he wears glasses, lanky, and freakishly tall for his age.


Eventually S and I broke up after I decided to pursue my theater career and not further my academics... we lost contact as he removed me from his friendster list (friendster is still the 'in' thing back then) and blocked me in his Yahoo messenger, so when I decided to continue my Academics and had myself enrolled in a prestigious college, I had no means of telling him, and frankly I was busy with S.J. then (my second boyfriend), but he still remains as "the-one-who-got-away" for me. you know?

I was on my sophomore year when after singing the national anthem in the welcoming ceremony for the upcoming freshmen did I notice someone familiar in the audience, It was D. still wearing glasses, still freakishly tall, but no longer lanky, he gained mass and incredible muscles, still not much of a looker like S, but still, considerably hot enough.

He recognized me, of course, there was a point, being our college is a bit of a small campus, that we will coincidentally see each other in the hallways, I always smile "hi", he seldom responds, most of time I'll just get a raised eyebrow acknowledgment or so.

the thought of seeing S again contemplated on my mind, but it never did came true...

then on the first day of our Graduation Rehearsals, his name was called and was instructed what to do onstage, my heartbeat became fast... this could only mean one thing: I will definitely see S on the graduation ceremony itself.

as the days go by, I relaxed, a bit excited on Saturday, both on my graduation and on seeing S.

Last night was our Baccalaureate Mass, after the almost 2 hour mass and a firework display that almost put the pyromusical to a shame, the graduation ball started, was with friend Jang Geum who is a fat version of me - we are exactly the same: we don't pee on wall urinals, we dont drink alcohol, and we dont party much, and am with C, a lesbian friend who is a complete butch (a lesbian that has a mannerism of a guy) and surprised everyone when she came to the baccalaureate mass wearing a off shoulder white top and a mini bettyboop black skirt, she's a complete sight!

I was tempted to go straight home immediately after the Baccalaureate mass, when Jang Geum wanted to try the food the catering prepared for us, it's free anyway, and C wanted to do a photo shoot on the photo-op wall simply because some hot girls are there. so I decided to stay for a while.

after a while of hanging out, I bailed out. Soon as I head to the exit I noticed a familiar figure on his out as well, it's D.

I relaxed, Im behind him anyway, He wont notice me if I wont make a scene, we're on a one way street so I cant go anywhere else, then D hopped in a passenger seat of a white car that is parked, I breathed heavily and hurriedly walk past the car

then the white car honked so loud behind me, as if trying to get my attention... I tried to stopped but I Didn't, when someone called my name loudly.

it's his voice.

it's S.

I havent seen him for a long, long, long time... and he still looked the same to me, I cant explain what I felt at that moment, all I can say is that, it's like my searching stopped and found what I was looking for...then he approached me and hugged me...

"I read your blog" was what he whispered to my ear.

when he said that, I froze, see, soon as I became okay with my HIV status I sent an email with a link to my blog using a different account to all of my exes, I dont know if their email ads still exists, but it's worth a try aight? days after all of them replied asking if it's me, I didn't reply to answer their query, evidently.

I just hugged him tight, and asked what makes him think it's me... He simply said "Only you can describe perfectly how much we hate each other when we started..." he said more stuff that I didnt hear because I just cried.

Rivers of tears flow out of my eyes, I dont know why, I cant explain it, I dont know how long we looked like that, hugging each other with me crying, passersby might be wondering but I didnt care, Ive been wanting to see him again, and now he's here holding me in his arms.

he still knew me, he knew that when I cry I should just be held, he stopped murmuring and just let me cry while we hugged each other.

he later on asked me to hop in and said that he'll drive me home, I looked at the car and saw that D moved to the backseat, smiled at me and waved hi. I cant say no, later he dropped D at Greenhills, then he drove me home.

we didnt talk the whole time, every now and then he will just hold my hand, and I'll just cry.

he parked in front of the lobby, and he didnt want me to go out yet. then we talked, he said he's been reading the blog and all, he talked about how much he hated J for giving me HIV, I told him to not hate him as he didnt know he has it as well.

"you dont deserve any of this..."

"Doesnt matter if i deserve it or not, I have it already...and im okay with it.. really".

he touched my chin, looked at me.

"(his petname to me), this is me, you can stop pretending you're okay, I know you're not".

I just froze, cant think of anything to say. I know deep inside im okay with my HIV status, today is just different, I just cant explain why I've been crying way too much. I was forced to go out the car as the condominium tower guard told us we cant park S's car there for a long time. I was about to get out when he reached out for my hand and said

"Im just here for you"

thank you
. was all I can say.

Im still trying to get over the emotional feeling I got from seeing him again, and disclosing it to him.

probably because I know that HIV could be a hindrance for me to find the love that I need and want. All i see now is pity, and I refuse to be pitied at.

and it hurts the most because the pity is coming from my first, the first person I fell in love with.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Birthday! Birthday!

few days ago, I celebrated my Birthday, yeap people, Im no longer 23, I just recently turned 24, best time to change my blog name then... or maybe not.

So it was the eve of my birthday and I'm stuck in agony as to how I will celebrate it, all week long, people I knew, and those who just found out my birthday is nearing, they all asked me the same thing : where's the celebration?

eh, no celebration at all, A greeting will do. Is all I wanna say, yeah, talk about being a old fashioned guy.

okay, so im done with the hazardous birthday parties my mom always organized (9th birthday - little mermaid theme, I know, I know, it's a complete underwater nightmare, but hey, I was 9!) and I almost forgot how to host a party, I mean, a simple get together would be nice, but...

see, I want to be alone, as after a long while, it's my first birthday without a lover, oh well, I don't know if i could count last year, because last year, 3 days before the eve of my birthday, I met J, we dated on my birthday, a week after we're a couple, so technically, I wasn't single as I was seeing someone then...

now, Im not seeing anyone... hmmm... but im texting and calling someone, now i dont know what will happen next, Im not madam auring to make a false assumption on the things about to happen, Im just enjoying the company. there's a difference.

Again I dont party much, so all i can think about is to just treat my friends. anyway, so i was alone in the condominium restaurant when Greenfrog invited me for a group get together. of course I said yes, we will meet by 8:00, it was around 6:30pm. I thought to myself that I'll leave by 7 or so.

but lo and behold, when I got back to my unit my mom wanted to talk about my birthday and her day. I escaped her wrath around 8 quarter, Got in the cab, got stuck in traffic, asked the cab driver to just drop me off at the nearest MRT station, I arrived an hour late, wow, a complete diva!

So it was a nice get together, Calves, Greenfrog, Mama B.I.T.C.H. are there, Greenfrog told me that Eldest will come soon. hmmm... now see, I think Eldest and I didnt get too well the last time we met, blame it on my twisted humor about my bitterness, I was tactless then, and I wanted to make up for it. So with me and my paranoid mind seeing an iceberg between us, I told him right there and then That I want to break the ice. he seems uncomfortable with it, who wouldn't be?

so we're hanging out in the gardens, too many young growing hormones roaming the area and we started making fun about it, told calves to model it up as he has the proper physique for it, Met a co-actor who is also celebrating his birthday, talked for a while, it made me wonder, so if he's hanging around with those kids, then that must mean he is a... kid? lol.

Midnight came in and Greenfrog announced that Im officially 24, coincidentally I was eating a chocolate cake, I pretended there's a candle there and blew it. Greenfrog started singing different versions of the happy birthday song and all.

then Calves got a phone call and was invited to-a-certain-bar, Eldest wanted to go to-a-certain-bar, Greenfrog was tempted, almost said No, Mama B.I.T.C.H. said he wont come with us, I was weighing the pro's and con's.


1: Im curious what it's like.

2: I could break the ice with eldest there.


1: my CD4 count, I shouldnt be lax about it, I need my sleep.

2: I dont drink alcohol, and I might be out of place.

when Greenfrog decided to come, I decided to join in as well.

so on we went to -a-certain-bar, I was just on the stairs and I can sense how loud the music is, it's like being seated beside the speakers of the concert of Regine Velasquez and she's belting one ultra high note to another, it will definitely bleed your ears.

Eldest went inside and being a complete party-goer knew almost everyone, Calves being invited suddenly disappeared and was later caught with his friends. Greenfrog hopped the alcohols,

with Me being the outside looking in resorted to what I can do: Dance.

And I mean, dance like those in the music videos of Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera, Billie Piper and Britney Spears, A complete dancing with 90's steps only appreciated by the camera lenses, and completely inappropriate to the venue, what? why? it didn't help that we are situated in a corner where I can see my shadow, with my being narcissistic, I'm totally in love with my shadow!

so my dancing became almost like a Cardio Exercise, I rested for a while. Eldest looked happy with me enjoying, the Ice is broken, Greenfrog Applaud my gesture with patching things up with eldest, they both offered me a drink but i politely said no.

I was just sitting and relaxing my muscles as to not overuse my CD4, when Greenfrog whispered a warning to me "this is not the perfect place to look for love".

he exactly knew what was on my mind.

I was sitting and contemplating on the things I wanna do soon as I graduate, This is one of the things I wanna do, it satisfied my curiosity, but I'm still stuck with my mid-innocent mind that everything is about love, soon as he said that, I looked around, and I really didn't feel love round the place, all I can see is lust. though it's fun, to me it feels like something is lacking.

there are a few people there who are not dancing and not making out, they're just sitting, I don't know if they're sitting because , like me they're tired from dancing, or because they can see what I also see.

But I am having fun, I didn't entertain such thought as I don't want to spoil the evening, we called it a night later on, got home and I hopped in my bed and slept.

I woke up with his messages greeting me, later on we talked about my experience at-the-certain-bar, he told me to loosen up, validated what Greenfrog told me, and told me what I thought was wrong, people there are all just for the fun. for the kicks. no need for me to think too deeply about it.

definitely, what he said is true, I need to loosen up. I enjoyed the night, and that's all that mattered, as the day of my birthday went on, there are many people, lots of them, who made me feel loved, so what If I went to a place where precious love almost became nonexistent? all that matters is, I realized that I'm not alone, and I have real love with me, and I can learn how to loosen up.

A happy birthday Indeed.

Friday, March 19, 2010

the official count of the count.

Today, I will know my CD4 count.

the weight of the matter didnt really weigh on me soon as I woke up as Im more worried about the most important thing for me - the fecalysis.

But it turns out to that my efforts of overeating proved to be worth it. I left the house around 6:30am... yeah that's how early I was. excited? maybe, more like anxious I think.

I arrived in R.I.T.M. around 7:20 or so, I knew this as I kept on checking the time every minute As I worry about the expiry of my specimens, and guess what, it's like a ghost town! a slight panic came over me, what will I do now?, I asked myself, thinking Quickly, I went straight to the laboratory, on the way I saw the pharmacy and it's empty, I made a silent prayer that the laboratory is open. it was, so I submitted my samples and Im done with it. next step is to have my PPD reading checked and, ehem, know my CD4 count.

my PPD reading is scheduled at 10am. it's 7:30 in the morning, without anything to do, I went to what they call "the posh lounge". I dont know If I can stay there for a while, but I tried, Nurse S was there, invited me in and told me to wait.

the posh lounge area is so cozy, I almost fell asleep, a pozzie came in exclaiming about his court case, I tried to listen but still I cant get much details, later on Nurse S asked my code, and told me when to go to the clinic for my results. a few minutes of more complaints from the pozzie I was told to go to the clinic. I nodded and went there.

As I was walking I can feel my heart beat fast. this is the most crucial point in my HIV life, the make or break, I feel like a American Idol contestant whose destiny lies with the right song, mine lies with my baseline results - well, almost.

time is definitely not on my side as soon as I got in the clinic, Nurse S is attending to a newbie who seems to be in denial about his condition (wow, a newborn pozzie at 8:00 in the morning, cool). he's of working age, apparently about to be employed as he is more concerned about his medical exam than in his baseline, and sounded like me asking if it will show on the medical exam results.

9:00 was nearing and I want to punch this guy and throw him to the different labs! you have H.I.V., for crying out loud, no matter what you say, it cant change a thing!! now get over it and let me have my results!!! - is the thought that's running on my mind. excuse, I know the feeling, but when I found out I am a Poz, I didnt try to convince the doctors nor the papers otherwise.

later on he gave up and had a few baseline done, with nurse S trying to convince him how important it is for him to come back and finish the rest of the baseline tests.

when he left I sat immediately in front of her table and she obliged, retrieved my files, joked about my code name, then, she opened the folder, got the papers and placed it on top of her test.. I was about to take a peek on my CD4 count as I can almost see it when.... she covered it with my PPD prescription and smiled in front of me, Nurse S knew I was trying to peek and she wont let me. she just smiled and laughed.

like, aaaaargh!!!! it's my CD4! cut the crop already...

she asked for my PPD, I showed her my arm,

tsk tsk, then she whispered... positive...

what?!?!?!?!? what would this mean...

Iho, naawa ako sayo (son, I pity you)....

Picture the earth opening up and swallowing me whole (no pun intended).

she told me to wait for doctor barbie doll, a few minutes later, Dr. barbie doll came in, apparently looking tired, maybe she ran all the way here when she realized she's tardy, oh well.

Nurse S gave her the results, she was about to read it to me when her phone rang, she needs to register to some lecture event or so, and told me she'll be gone for 10 minutes max.

oh god, noooooooooooooooo!

so 10 minutes later, she came back.

so here's the run down.

urine : normal

RPR: non - reactive (no STD's or STI's)

X:ray : Normal

tuberculosis : exposed, but negative, told me that this happens naturally. I need, Need to buy medical mask!

CD3: 2688.

now CD4: it's.....

oh well... 4

joke! it's 462.

yeah, it's not exactly what I hoped (600-700-1000) but it is good. I wasnt advised to take ARV medication yet, nor was I advised to take VCO as well, as what Dr. Barbie doll told me, the less medical intake, the better. multivitamins and vitamin C is good enough, backed with a healthy lifestyle.

I can improve my count, I know I can, I just need to sleep more, and exercise too. the important thing is to not have the meds yet, it's a lifetime commitment im not ready to have yet.

I decided to stay for a while, I met JN, who's count is 12, still looks a bit depressed, but he seems to be happy with it... I also met JS, he seems to be, eh, aloof, I tried to make friends with him as nurse S cant find his files, and might redo his tests cause of it, which is too bad, JS has a 130 count and is under medications already, with his files lost, I tried to cheer him up, but all of my friendly charm didnt work, must be my child-like self that turned him off, a met a newbie too, Princess Diana, whose transsexual beauty turns Grandma green with envy. s/he just got her/his reading too, it's 411. almost as good as mine.

I am too happy with my results I asked to have my chart photocopied, to the surprise of most of them, why? I want to keep track about my status, what's wrong with keeping a file? off I went to the lounge to have it photocopied when I met elmo.

elmo seems to be in a slight bad mood as they wont accept his phlegm sample, so he needs to come back again tomorrow with a new one, he too, looked surprised when I had my papers photocopied, he wasnt able to know his CD4 as the laboratory hadn't released it yet.

I stayed in the clinic for a while when hunger stepped in, I decided to leave as I dont like the food in the canteen. The multicab dropped me at starmall and there I went straight to Mcdonalds for a cheeseburger meal to go, got in the bus and ate it there.

now this is one of the provincial buses in which the seats are way high that even if your tall your feet would be elevated. so imagine me, my feet swinging, eating a cheeseburger on one hand, while holding a coke on the other, with a bubbly face as Im way too happy - yeah, I looked like a kid. a grown up version of a baby.

I stopped at SM megamall, this calls for a celebration, I bought two new original instrumentals for me to sing on, and ate at Mcdonalds again... why, I got hungry. blame it on the fasting. (meal: chicken spaghetti, two extra rice, two orange juice and a double cheeseburger meal, yeah, im dead hungry!)

462. my goal is for it go higher without medications. or at least maintain it. No ARVs for me for a long, long time. that's the main priority goal.


doctor Barbie doll told me though it's not advisable for me to take VCO, I can drink and eat coconut anyway, it's more advisable as it's more fresh than VCO.

now that I know my count, I will definitely have lesser worries.

Now I just need a healthier lifestyle, which means, a new sport.

Im guessing Muay thai, imagine all the pain it will give for my pleasure plus it's health benefits, being all bruised up wont decrease my count, aight?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A perfect romance... sort of.

Okay, Im bored, and when Im bored, I watch videos or DVDs.

anyway, I've been eating, Staring at my PPD skin test (which isnt that bad at all), that's pretty much all Im doing for the day, so far. the only highlight of the day is when I taught my mom how to look for a hidden folder in her computer, seriously, mom is that old school.

I saw this video of Buffy and Spike's first intimate scene together, and Im so touched, it's so romantic, so.... for me.

yeah, Im now officially daydreaming that this will be how I will meet my future boyfriend, and this is how we will make love for the first time.

in my daydream, of course, IM NOT Buffy, Im spike. hehehe.

and I just love the line..

spike: I'm in love with you.

Buffy: you're in love with pain!

aaargh! spike is so me! I just hope I have his persona or even his built nevertheless, this is exactly what I have in mind for a perfect love making.

so want to see this video? just click below.

P.S. still waiting for my CD4 results. whew.

the sign of the count

Today, is the day. where I had my baseline checked, finally. like, uber finally.

points to check for readers to know how important this baseline medical checkup is:

1: It checks a pozzie's total health, like, does a pozzie have a certain STD, Hepatitis blah blah, tuberculosis, and other things.

2: To know how healthy the blood is.

3: To know how healthy the Immune system is.

Now this leads to what we call CD-4, in some countries they call it T-Cells, now this is important as this is the basis of how healthy a positive person's immune system is, the higher the number, the better.

now, HIV negative individuals have 1500 CD4 count, that is the normal count, for us positive individuals, all count is good as long as it's not 300 and below.

you are HIV positive if your CD4 count is 200 and up, and you have AIDS if you have a CD4 count of 200 and below. there's hardly any difference, really, only that if you have a lower CD4 count, you are more susceptible to opportunistic diseases and may not be able to be healed from it.

nothing to be worried about - they have medications now that can make your CD4 count healthy and up, supported by a VERY HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. only drawback is, it's a lifetime commitment. but hey, at least it's a lifetime, lifetime. and not like cancer treatments that will later on kill you anyway.

yes people, HIV people, even those with AIDS, as long as they can keep their Immune System up, can live a very, very, long, long, looong, wonderful, full of positivism life.

now, for those who had a naturally high, good and healthy CD4 count, can maintain the healthiness of their immune system even without medications through:

1: at least 8 hours of sleep (depends on the person, if a person is fully energized in just 6 hours of sleep then that will do). keep in mind that TOO MUCH SLEEP IS NOT a healthy option as it causes your body stress already.

2: regular exercise. you know the drill, cardio, jogging.

3: no alcohol and smoke. now, some people even with AIDS still do this stuff In moderation and still their Immune system is improving.

4: healthy food intake.

now, see, surviving HIV isnt so new, it's like, so common already, you read that monthly healthy tips at Men's Health? yeah, that's the key in living a long life with HIV in your system.

so enough with the boring stuff and back to, ME.

to have a proper, Accurate baseline results, one who's about to take the test, which is me, should do a little bit of fasting. 12 midnight of the day of your test, there should be no intake, not even water.

plus, you have a time limit of until 9am.

knowing that part of the test is the icky, incredibly yucky, so full of ewwy stool exam, I pigged out the day before, and guess what? soon as I woke up. I cant Drop at all.

with the call time (7am) fast approaching, I gave up (literally praying for just at least one tiny dropping). showered and went to the meeting place.

I was 30 mins late. mama B.I.T.C.H. doesnt seem to mind.

so at R.I.T.M. we met W, and his new son, the current youngest, elmo. on we went with the baseline, was excited for the blood sample thing because I heard they'll use a big needle and they need to fill 4 vials with my blood, I was expecting it to be somewhat painful, much to my disappointment, I didnt even feel a tiny bit of pain.

Later on we met Rabis, he's there for his CD4 count, he's expecting it to go down as, ho hum, he stopped exercising in the gym... but he still does "Charity work" hehehehe.

the supposed 30 minute baseline test became 2 hours or so as we go from one laboratory to another and all, I thought I can drop already, but as it turns out, it's false alarm.

later on Elmo loosen up and started joking around with us, which is cool and nice.

we separated ways by lunchtime. I went to my college for my toga, my initial plan is to just get it and then just leave...

then I was told that I cant have it unless I'll have my clearance now, pronto.

like, what? whata whatta?

school! they always makes a student life miserable! do they hire private detectives and once they know you have a busy, tiring day they'll make up some excuse to make you more tired?!?!?

So off I went to the registrar, got the clearance form and have it signed to the different departments. it's so nice that every one knew me still. here's how it went.

oh, gagraduate ka na? sayang naman wala nang kakanta sa (program)
uy! graduate na siya, isang kanta naman jan....
ay sayang! wala nang diva sa (name of organization)

yeah I know,Im such a celebrity! really, the urge of telling them my HIV status just for them to sign all the unnecessary signatures by themselves while I just sit around and wait for them to be finished is so tempting. of course I didnt do that, not ever. Im in a catholic school. I believe that upon them knowing Ive bee practicing pre-marital sex, with the same sex at that, and got HIV in the process is enough qualifications for me the become the gay version of joan of arc.

can you just imagine?

me in a pillow sack, all tied up in a post, and they are about to set a fire... and my heart, which will be left unburned like joan's, will remain untouch for fear it will infect them. thus later will become a holy grail of HIV... hmmm, not a bad option.

soon as I was done with the clearance and paid the grad fee, thus confirming my graduation status yet again to a high level, I hurriedly went home.

A while back I was doing guessing games and asked for a sign for what will be my cd4 count. so far, ive been getting lots of good signs.

sign no. 1: I watched queer as folk, where ben was about to disclose his cd4 count, it's 700.

sign no. 2: Rabis said his count is 600.

sign no. 3: the time now is 6:59. thus 659.

they're all in the same range so that is good, aight?

oh well, the guessing game will end soon. I'll find out soon enough.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

A master found.

So after a week of natural high brought about my graduation status, It is about time to spend some quality time with my pozzie friends.

So trese was there, mama B.I.T.C.H. , greenfrog, eldest, and a newbie who I'll call calves.

it's a typical hang out, with a few exception that my natural highness causes a 'lil havoc, Eldest and Greenfrog checks out glare worthy men, I taught calves how to sing, he didnt listen much, So on I went and talked to mama B.I.T.C.H. bout my dream job which turns out to be unrealistic - as he said, even a receptionist does a paperwork job, hmmmm.

there are some funny key details I should point out, but then again, This is my blog, so all the focus should be on me, of course.

as the night went on I cant hold it any longer, behind our table is a man, undeniably straight, bald, bulky, with able and strong arms, he has the whole "master" thing going round him. I want those arms to punch me and throw me around, so i just talked about my masochistic desires to my friends, eldest find it bizarre, calves just smiled, greenfrog focused on something else. mama B.I.T.C.H. is all support, and even told me to check out the guy in a gray white shirt in front of us and told me his arms is more able of breaking me... hmmm. maybe, but the bald guy's height is more able to crunch me. hehehehe.

anyway, point is, at a time like this - the only way for me to break away from such intense desire is to sing my heart out, unfortunately it was too late and they need to go home, and they're not really a karaoke type.

so soon as i got home, i still cant sing as it's already 2am. so i just listened to music when a YM window popped out.

let's call him p19, he's a friend of a distant past. no, he's not 19 years old. but his height looks like of 19 year old that lacked growth potential. So with us being friends way way back, it's only natural for him to catch up. as it turns out, p19 lives just in front of our condominium, and asked me to come over. like, ehhh... isnt it a lil late? plus i removed my contact lens already and flattened my spike hair already. so im not in the mood - to go out, tsk tsk. kayo talaga

I told him we can hang out tomorrow, he said he cant because he'll be watching the pacquiao fight (ew) with his family (kaya naman pala) live at MOA (cool). eh, what happened to this friend of mine? we didnt talk for a while and now he wants to meet up in the middle of the night? like, a no means no, aight? so i just told him i need my sleep and didnt bother to check if he replied or not.

so soon as I woke up he sent 2 messages - 1st is him telling me his dad just picked him up for the match and 2nd they just arrived at moa and told me to text him soon as I wake up.

I woke up at around 1pm. told him, He told me to eat, I told him to enjoy the match, typical stuff.

then at 1:30 he sent me this message - I bought us a ticket to watch (title of the movie), movie will start at 2pm, be here, k? see ya.

he said it just like that, I told him MOA is too far, and i havent even showered yet, it's 1:30 and I cant make it there by 2pm.

he still told me to just get there. like hello, who do you reckon I am, flash?!?!!!!

but it must be my Masochist side that I allowed myself to his demand. I got in the cab by 2:12pm. midway he told me he had the ticket changed to 3pm the whole time, what a sick joke! aaargh!

so, it was an entertaining 3D movie, all i can say. Nothing happened worth writing here the whole time we're at MOA.

But since he's just in front of our condominium, he asked me to drop him off his place first. I obliged, then he paid for the cab and told me to finish our burger king snacks in his place, I said yes - okay, again let me say, it's a typical hang out with a friend. so it didnt cross my mind that...

Soon as I was done with my snacks and That im about to leave, (me outside the door) he asked me to come back inside (I did, stupidly), then he gently closed the door and ehhhhh.... he kissed me. eeeh, eeeh, eeeeh! I pushed him back, told him what the hell, $%$!!!, he said he knew about me and S and he wanted me the whole time (ows?)

It's frustrating, I hate it, okay, so he may only be 4 feet tall or so ( his height didn't pass my shoulder), but he's strong and pushed me to the door, literally tried to kiss my lips (height problems) so he kissed my neck instead while roughly fondling me.

okay okay, so this might be a slight fantasy come true, but, eh, as far as i remember it right, I fantasize a man as bulky and as tall as that guy I saw last night, not a real life hobbit. but, he's cute anyway.

8 gallons of saliva is what he only needs to be infected, kissing is okay I told myself the whole time. okay, must be the longing of such act that I allow him to molest me for a while, come to think of it, he's been tormenting me since this early morning (be at MOA within minutes? blah blah) so he could be a master I've been longing for... eh, a hobbit master?

so he was now biting my left nipple through my shirt and is about to open my fly when I said No, as the word HIV came to mind, he was grinning, the whole time, obviously enjoying the rape,

It's time to tell him, this is a force disclosure!

I was about to open my mouth

tell him you have HIV, then maybe he'll be able to punch me properly in the eye!

I will only have sex to my future boyfriend! (is what i said)

he laughed, like, really laughed.

he was busy laughing, I took the chance and left. he didnt even force me to stop.

the whole time I was walking towards my place I knew I should feel bad, molested or so, I mean, I do, But I feel, eh, Satisfied, I mean, I wasnt able to cum, cause I left, but, I can still feel the pain in my back as he pushed me to the door, the doorknob felt good as it hit my side, plus, he bit my nipple hard to equal the pain... I mean, okay, physically, the pain made me feel good.

but the pain of being partially molested by a hobbit master, is , eh, ewwy.

but what really made me feel bad is that... My prerogative of only having sex with someone I love and is my boyfriend is, partially broken.

I mean, I know I wanna do casual sex now, but, eh... I meant casual in a way i know the guy is at least my height and wouldnt hurt me by surprise!

and I wanna do it next with someone who knew my HIV status so he'll know what will make us safe.

this experience made me realize that:

1: Im not ready to disclose my HIV status to a future partner, thus I need more practice (calling mama B.I.T.C.H.)

2: Im not meant to do casual sex. at all. if ill end up feeling this guilty.

and you know what made things worst?

soon as I got home, mama told me

"son, dont change, we'll hear the mass in a while. "

weeeeee, sorry lord. =) Im still a good boy, I just, eh, let him hurt me for a while, forgive me?