Tuesday, March 30, 2010

bum and condoms

As a fresh graduate, I am obliged to do nothing at all and be a complete bum, simply because I earned it, c'mon, years of sleepness nights backed up by personal and school related problems, professors feeding you a daily dosage of paranoia, and let's not forget the fact that HIV came in the picture later on.

being sleepless for 2 nights, I spent most of days asleep and most of my nights talking to new york. he's a good new found friend I met in a conventional way... yes, friend... I wont assume anything or else, new york and I have been honest with each other (yeap, even my HIV status and my masochistic desires he keeps on teasing me about) and Im grateful of our budding friendship.

the goal of being asleep by 10pm seems far stretch as by 10pm, I am just waking up. oh well.

so what does a HIV positive, Fresh graduate do now?

  • Gym: I finally uploaded my Graduation pictures, what's the point of hiding my "Bloated, fat" self when my so-called friends tagged me already in their pictures? In person, as I was told, I dont look That fat, but that doesnt mean I should lead a Sedimentary Lifestyle. p.s. Also a good Flirtation place.
  • Swim: Since I was a Kid, I love swimming already, never mind that I got the inspiration from Daryl Hannah's mermaid Character in Splash! and Alice Dixon's Dyesebel. But at least I was able to fulfill my childhood fantasy of being a mermaid! though I still suck at the butterfly stroke,Being free from anything give me more time to be in the water, and No, HIV cant be transmitted from the pool waters. P.S. the condo pool is the epicenter of all flirtation, best give a good stroke then!
  • Voice Rehearsals: As guided by my lovely voice coach, I will Unlearn my recent technique and will learn her proper vocal placements, alas - the time to be a raw singer again.
As of now that's all I'm doing, I also did some serious shopping, I need a Healthy, Anti- opportunistic Diseases Kit, you know, thus I bought:
  1. Medical Masks (if someone sneezed within your bubble, it's damnation. better be armed)
  2. Hand Sanitizers (it's a very, very dirty place we live in now)
  3. Alcohol Spray (need I say more It's a dirty place?)
  4. MultiVitamins and Vitamin C's (in case I'll be out in the house and I need to take them)
  5. Sky Flakes and Wheat Breads (in case I'll get hungry once outside and the nearby restaurants are far beyond reach)
  6. yes, dont be surprised.. I bought Condoms and Lubricants.
Sorry Mama B.I.T.C.H. for me saying this yet again, but signs are nearing that my next ideal man is just within reach.


  1. during the HIV awareness event, the icky female bunny gave me a sample condom and, ehem ehem, a discount card from some "private place".
  2. boys and men alike are coming in now and then, p19 is still there pissing me off, let's not forget S who, though never replies to my messages, visits my place now and then, new york of course, whom I'm loving the company, and RG. RG resides in the condo as well, saw me walking near ministop, later caught me online at and as they say, a stalker is born.
  3. let's be open minded, though I tend to be close-minded in the notion of sex, might as well change it eh? like a filipino saying kung kelan tumanda tsaka lumandi! why can't we make a new saying kung kelan nagka-HIV tsaka nagladlad! that will originally be mine? aight?

so yeah, though I'm still reserved, I bought packs of condoms and lubricants, anyway, It's true that sometimes, Sex starts everything, S and I, though we admitted each other's feelings first, later on made love soon as we confirmed our status as lovers that very night, we ended after 2 years though... but still, what will I do if I became a lover of someone and he will say immediately "let me rape and savage you now 'til eternity" and I have no protection with me aight? best not to ruin those moments.

so will I do experiments now that I'm "free" from any scheduling conflicts? I'm admittedly curious. but what I have is more than just Curiosity, I have HIV, though it wont stop me, nor anyone for that matter, from doing what they want, it's still a responsibility. I can still say in good conscience that I haven't infected anyone, and I intend to keep it that way...

But you know, it's true what Greenfrog and mama B.I.T.C.H. said, most of the time, they prefer to make out with someone who is HIV positive, not because they wanted it, but because they know we are responsible enough to not infect them with it (read: more safe to play with).

So If I want to be responsible about it, why not just simply bring condoms and its proper lubricants? doesnt mean I'll be officially a whore-in-training nor being a hopeless romantic again looking for love...

Im just being responsible and grown up enough about it.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

freedom at last

Today is the day. it's Graduation Day, finally!

however, on this big day, I am dead tired, simply cause:

01: the Baccalaureate Mass drama posted prior to this...
02: Because of 01, was able to sleep 'round 3am... Need to wake up 'round 10am or so for the birthday celebration in R.I.T.M. of the march celebrants, which includes me.

needless to say, I woke up 'round lunchtime... way too late for the celebration, I didn't know if I'll attend or not, but then again I'm used to being tardy, and with mama B.I.T.C.H. telling me to go since I have some food with me to share, I attended.

so on the eve of my Graduation I was at R.I.T.M. with a semi-post celebration of my birthday, attending to not-so-newbie A, who is having a hard time accepting his HIV status, and that he needs to start medications already, was given no choice but to buy a watch from Grandma and witnessed the birth of my new sibling whom I'll call H. H was soon "adopted" by Daddy B.I.T.C.H. needless to say I invited H to a HIV awareness event to introduce him to mama B.I.T.C.H.

the event was cool, though I kinda noticed the band (3rd avenue, love the male vocalist and the keyboardist, weeeee!) more than HIV talk itself... Oh well, in Media Management Talk, it's just a matter of bad Media organization in a concept that is good...they just weren't able to balance it out, I wonder what my PR and Media Man Professor would say...

got home past midnight, which my mom didn't like because, oh well, it's the Graduation later on and I need to get my beauty sleep (exact words, so gay, but yes it came from mom.)

unfortunately I wasnt able to sleep, mainly for 3 reasons:

1: The assembly time is way too early for me, which worries me that I wouldn't be able to wake up on time to make it there.

2: new york and I are texting, A conversation I wont put into details here (privacymuch)

3: S, who didnt reply to any of my messages, would be there... weeeeeeee

So I was tossing and turning 'round my bed, replying to new york every now and then, was about to sleep when he will text, I will reply, because I want to... Melikes his company see.

I didnt know if I was able to sleep but around 6am mom woke us up, she was panicking, as we're almost late as she said... at this time of the hour, the way to MOA / SMX is just near, needless to say, My mom is more excited than me.

unfortunately, Mom is right (as they always claim) we are almost late as Im lucky enough to even make it on the processional... mom and I walked on the aisle while we tried to compose ourselves from running from that eternal escalator built near entrance.

we made it anyway, mom is seated behind me, when the rector grant us our degrees and called us graduates, I gave out a sigh of relief, it's like all the burden in the world was lifted from my shoulders, you know, in that split second I felt light - all of my hard work paid off! I remember when J.M. (my fourth ex) and I are thesis partners and we spent more time dating than finishing our paper brought a lot of heated quarrels later on, all the cramming, all night studying, endless efforts of proving your intelligence - all of this hard work are worth it! it's such a lovely feeling!

soon after I was called and exited the stage, I went straight to my professors and hugged all of them - though Im child-like, I tend to make friends more with mature people, I'm closer to my professors, particularly to the math department and social science department professors, I really dont know why! though Im also close to my communication area professors, I feel more closer and comfortable to my math professors... weird. (as usual I caused a 'lil delay as, overwhelmed with gratitude, I hugged and thanked all of my professors along the way, my perky self coming out, feeling the need to hug everyone again, you know.)

along the way, I met my old friends , who are there as photographers, surprised to learn that I've graduated this year and not last year as expected, I saw my P as well, P is the first person I met in my college, and we became close friends immediately, however, she stopped after our junior year as she became a proud mama, her family just let her brother finish first, as financial matters became a big matter with the inclusion of my godson, now Im so happy to learn that she re-enrolled for the next semester.

Oh, I also found out that the guy I met in the LRT in this post here is a former alumnus of my college, no wonder why he looks familiar!

of course there was S, he has the nerve to look at me in the eye and smile, but at the time (as I was walking in the aisle) I felt way too happy that I just forget everything and just smiled back, but mom saw S too, and like a conservative mom teaching her "daughter" to be conservative as well, she pinched my back discreetly as we passed through S's row.. weeeee!

so all throughout the ceremony (my course was called third, so my course mates and I are free to "go around" the function hall) I was busy replying to all those who texted their greetings, texted new york too, S greeted me as well, ho hum.

since the ceremony is taking way too long to end, I played the "Im lost" game with the cute ushers, talked to LRT guy, catched up with P, did photo-ops with fellow friends, which later on I found hard to upload as, ehem, I gained too much weight! I need my facial hair back, I need to tone up again.

anyway, soon as the ceremony ended, we all hugged and cried tears of joy, photo ops everywhere! and, ehem, we all exchanged numbers! even to those whom we didnt know! we're all that happy!

I saw P and her family, some fellow friends, and actual batchmates who, like me, are delayed for a year, hugs and kisses, I was looking for S's family, honestly, but we're way too many that I cant find them, when D patted my back, saw them, we all cheered, saw my ex-in-laws, ex-dad-in-law looks thinner now, his hairline is still intact though, ex-mom-in-law looked as glamorous as ever, though she obviously gained a wattle in her chin, S... hmmm, still looks.... aaargh! we just hugged, had a photo taken with D and S together with me in the middle (perfect threesome!) and, lo and behold, I was introduced to D's girlfriend... so the threesome wont happen anytime soon.

new york is still keeping me company through text, I decided to turn down offers from my batch mates to eat at MOA as I want to spend this time with mom and sis. Dad, as usual, isnt around as he is "busy".. but like in his usual way of making his presence felt in the family, he deposited more money in my bank account... weee, yeah, though my dad is a Tuna Exporter, my dad is really more of a bank to us. seriously... :)

later on me, mom and sis ate at kimpura in greenhills, with mom making sure I wont accidentally eat something with shrimps, oysters, squids and seashells in it, this is how a conversation between me and mom went:

"son, your MaƱa Cum Laude looks gay"...

"oh, GHT? I dont know, he's just a bit of an introvert I guess"

GHT is a third degree friend or so, see J.M. my ex, is close to a friend of GHT , so I know him, but he doesnt strike me as gay...

"Son, I think he is... Why wont you make friends with him?"

"oh, we are, he just texted me a congratulations message"

"good, ask him out, I bet he's way better than S."

wow, the best graduation gift ever, A mom as cool and as controlling as mine.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Pre-Graduation blues

All week long I've been "almost" busy with my Graduation Rehearsals for this Saturdays' Commencement Exercises, (insert happy, golly smile here).

the rehearsal itself is pretty boring and uneventful, nothing worth writing about except one fact:

1: My being two years delayed in my college academics (stopped after high school for theater, and add another for my back subjects) made it possible for me to be included in the Graduating batch of D.


So you must all be wondering who the hell is D, well, here goes...

remember S? S who is briefly mentioned in my earlier posts? well, S is my first boyfriend, first love, first everything.

We are together for 2 years, enough time for us to be well attached to each other - attached enough that we spend too much time in each others' house almost every weekend, making it possible for the both of us to know each others' families.

Later on S was introduced as a boyfriend, and Im introduced as "one of the gang", unfair eh? oh well, S's parents bought it, except for D.

D is S's Little brother. D has been doubtful about our status, he soon found out my real relationship with his brother, he didnt took it well, but he cooled later on after many attempts to prove I love and wont hurt his brother.

At that time, D was nerdy-like. he wears glasses, lanky, and freakishly tall for his age.


Eventually S and I broke up after I decided to pursue my theater career and not further my academics... we lost contact as he removed me from his friendster list (friendster is still the 'in' thing back then) and blocked me in his Yahoo messenger, so when I decided to continue my Academics and had myself enrolled in a prestigious college, I had no means of telling him, and frankly I was busy with S.J. then (my second boyfriend), but he still remains as "the-one-who-got-away" for me. you know?

I was on my sophomore year when after singing the national anthem in the welcoming ceremony for the upcoming freshmen did I notice someone familiar in the audience, It was D. still wearing glasses, still freakishly tall, but no longer lanky, he gained mass and incredible muscles, still not much of a looker like S, but still, considerably hot enough.

He recognized me, of course, there was a point, being our college is a bit of a small campus, that we will coincidentally see each other in the hallways, I always smile "hi", he seldom responds, most of time I'll just get a raised eyebrow acknowledgment or so.

the thought of seeing S again contemplated on my mind, but it never did came true...

then on the first day of our Graduation Rehearsals, his name was called and was instructed what to do onstage, my heartbeat became fast... this could only mean one thing: I will definitely see S on the graduation ceremony itself.

as the days go by, I relaxed, a bit excited on Saturday, both on my graduation and on seeing S.

Last night was our Baccalaureate Mass, after the almost 2 hour mass and a firework display that almost put the pyromusical to a shame, the graduation ball started, was with friend Jang Geum who is a fat version of me - we are exactly the same: we don't pee on wall urinals, we dont drink alcohol, and we dont party much, and am with C, a lesbian friend who is a complete butch (a lesbian that has a mannerism of a guy) and surprised everyone when she came to the baccalaureate mass wearing a off shoulder white top and a mini bettyboop black skirt, she's a complete sight!

I was tempted to go straight home immediately after the Baccalaureate mass, when Jang Geum wanted to try the food the catering prepared for us, it's free anyway, and C wanted to do a photo shoot on the photo-op wall simply because some hot girls are there. so I decided to stay for a while.

after a while of hanging out, I bailed out. Soon as I head to the exit I noticed a familiar figure on his out as well, it's D.

I relaxed, Im behind him anyway, He wont notice me if I wont make a scene, we're on a one way street so I cant go anywhere else, then D hopped in a passenger seat of a white car that is parked, I breathed heavily and hurriedly walk past the car

then the white car honked so loud behind me, as if trying to get my attention... I tried to stopped but I Didn't, when someone called my name loudly.

it's his voice.

it's S.

I havent seen him for a long, long, long time... and he still looked the same to me, I cant explain what I felt at that moment, all I can say is that, it's like my searching stopped and found what I was looking for...then he approached me and hugged me...

"I read your blog" was what he whispered to my ear.

when he said that, I froze, see, soon as I became okay with my HIV status I sent an email with a link to my blog using a different account to all of my exes, I dont know if their email ads still exists, but it's worth a try aight? days after all of them replied asking if it's me, I didn't reply to answer their query, evidently.

I just hugged him tight, and asked what makes him think it's me... He simply said "Only you can describe perfectly how much we hate each other when we started..." he said more stuff that I didnt hear because I just cried.

Rivers of tears flow out of my eyes, I dont know why, I cant explain it, I dont know how long we looked like that, hugging each other with me crying, passersby might be wondering but I didnt care, Ive been wanting to see him again, and now he's here holding me in his arms.

he still knew me, he knew that when I cry I should just be held, he stopped murmuring and just let me cry while we hugged each other.

he later on asked me to hop in and said that he'll drive me home, I looked at the car and saw that D moved to the backseat, smiled at me and waved hi. I cant say no, later he dropped D at Greenhills, then he drove me home.

we didnt talk the whole time, every now and then he will just hold my hand, and I'll just cry.

he parked in front of the lobby, and he didnt want me to go out yet. then we talked, he said he's been reading the blog and all, he talked about how much he hated J for giving me HIV, I told him to not hate him as he didnt know he has it as well.

"you dont deserve any of this..."

"Doesnt matter if i deserve it or not, I have it already...and im okay with it.. really".

he touched my chin, looked at me.

"(his petname to me), this is me, you can stop pretending you're okay, I know you're not".

I just froze, cant think of anything to say. I know deep inside im okay with my HIV status, today is just different, I just cant explain why I've been crying way too much. I was forced to go out the car as the condominium tower guard told us we cant park S's car there for a long time. I was about to get out when he reached out for my hand and said

"Im just here for you"

thank you
. was all I can say.

Im still trying to get over the emotional feeling I got from seeing him again, and disclosing it to him.

probably because I know that HIV could be a hindrance for me to find the love that I need and want. All i see now is pity, and I refuse to be pitied at.

and it hurts the most because the pity is coming from my first, the first person I fell in love with.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Birthday! Birthday!

few days ago, I celebrated my Birthday, yeap people, Im no longer 23, I just recently turned 24, best time to change my blog name then... or maybe not.

So it was the eve of my birthday and I'm stuck in agony as to how I will celebrate it, all week long, people I knew, and those who just found out my birthday is nearing, they all asked me the same thing : where's the celebration?

eh, no celebration at all, A greeting will do. Is all I wanna say, yeah, talk about being a old fashioned guy.

okay, so im done with the hazardous birthday parties my mom always organized (9th birthday - little mermaid theme, I know, I know, it's a complete underwater nightmare, but hey, I was 9!) and I almost forgot how to host a party, I mean, a simple get together would be nice, but...

see, I want to be alone, as after a long while, it's my first birthday without a lover, oh well, I don't know if i could count last year, because last year, 3 days before the eve of my birthday, I met J, we dated on my birthday, a week after we're a couple, so technically, I wasn't single as I was seeing someone then...

now, Im not seeing anyone... hmmm... but im texting and calling someone, now i dont know what will happen next, Im not madam auring to make a false assumption on the things about to happen, Im just enjoying the company. there's a difference.

Again I dont party much, so all i can think about is to just treat my friends. anyway, so i was alone in the condominium restaurant when Greenfrog invited me for a group get together. of course I said yes, we will meet by 8:00, it was around 6:30pm. I thought to myself that I'll leave by 7 or so.

but lo and behold, when I got back to my unit my mom wanted to talk about my birthday and her day. I escaped her wrath around 8 quarter, Got in the cab, got stuck in traffic, asked the cab driver to just drop me off at the nearest MRT station, I arrived an hour late, wow, a complete diva!

So it was a nice get together, Calves, Greenfrog, Mama B.I.T.C.H. are there, Greenfrog told me that Eldest will come soon. hmmm... now see, I think Eldest and I didnt get too well the last time we met, blame it on my twisted humor about my bitterness, I was tactless then, and I wanted to make up for it. So with me and my paranoid mind seeing an iceberg between us, I told him right there and then That I want to break the ice. he seems uncomfortable with it, who wouldn't be?

so we're hanging out in the gardens, too many young growing hormones roaming the area and we started making fun about it, told calves to model it up as he has the proper physique for it, Met a co-actor who is also celebrating his birthday, talked for a while, it made me wonder, so if he's hanging around with those kids, then that must mean he is a... kid? lol.

Midnight came in and Greenfrog announced that Im officially 24, coincidentally I was eating a chocolate cake, I pretended there's a candle there and blew it. Greenfrog started singing different versions of the happy birthday song and all.

then Calves got a phone call and was invited to-a-certain-bar, Eldest wanted to go to-a-certain-bar, Greenfrog was tempted, almost said No, Mama B.I.T.C.H. said he wont come with us, I was weighing the pro's and con's.


1: Im curious what it's like.

2: I could break the ice with eldest there.


1: my CD4 count, I shouldnt be lax about it, I need my sleep.

2: I dont drink alcohol, and I might be out of place.

when Greenfrog decided to come, I decided to join in as well.

so on we went to -a-certain-bar, I was just on the stairs and I can sense how loud the music is, it's like being seated beside the speakers of the concert of Regine Velasquez and she's belting one ultra high note to another, it will definitely bleed your ears.

Eldest went inside and being a complete party-goer knew almost everyone, Calves being invited suddenly disappeared and was later caught with his friends. Greenfrog hopped the alcohols,

with Me being the outside looking in resorted to what I can do: Dance.

And I mean, dance like those in the music videos of Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera, Billie Piper and Britney Spears, A complete dancing with 90's steps only appreciated by the camera lenses, and completely inappropriate to the venue, what? why? it didn't help that we are situated in a corner where I can see my shadow, with my being narcissistic, I'm totally in love with my shadow!

so my dancing became almost like a Cardio Exercise, I rested for a while. Eldest looked happy with me enjoying, the Ice is broken, Greenfrog Applaud my gesture with patching things up with eldest, they both offered me a drink but i politely said no.

I was just sitting and relaxing my muscles as to not overuse my CD4, when Greenfrog whispered a warning to me "this is not the perfect place to look for love".

he exactly knew what was on my mind.

I was sitting and contemplating on the things I wanna do soon as I graduate, This is one of the things I wanna do, it satisfied my curiosity, but I'm still stuck with my mid-innocent mind that everything is about love, soon as he said that, I looked around, and I really didn't feel love round the place, all I can see is lust. though it's fun, to me it feels like something is lacking.

there are a few people there who are not dancing and not making out, they're just sitting, I don't know if they're sitting because , like me they're tired from dancing, or because they can see what I also see.

But I am having fun, I didn't entertain such thought as I don't want to spoil the evening, we called it a night later on, got home and I hopped in my bed and slept.

I woke up with his messages greeting me, later on we talked about my experience at-the-certain-bar, he told me to loosen up, validated what Greenfrog told me, and told me what I thought was wrong, people there are all just for the fun. for the kicks. no need for me to think too deeply about it.

definitely, what he said is true, I need to loosen up. I enjoyed the night, and that's all that mattered, as the day of my birthday went on, there are many people, lots of them, who made me feel loved, so what If I went to a place where precious love almost became nonexistent? all that matters is, I realized that I'm not alone, and I have real love with me, and I can learn how to loosen up.

A happy birthday Indeed.

Friday, March 19, 2010

the official count of the count.

Today, I will know my CD4 count.

the weight of the matter didnt really weigh on me soon as I woke up as Im more worried about the most important thing for me - the fecalysis.

But it turns out to that my efforts of overeating proved to be worth it. I left the house around 6:30am... yeah that's how early I was. excited? maybe, more like anxious I think.

I arrived in R.I.T.M. around 7:20 or so, I knew this as I kept on checking the time every minute As I worry about the expiry of my specimens, and guess what, it's like a ghost town! a slight panic came over me, what will I do now?, I asked myself, thinking Quickly, I went straight to the laboratory, on the way I saw the pharmacy and it's empty, I made a silent prayer that the laboratory is open. it was, so I submitted my samples and Im done with it. next step is to have my PPD reading checked and, ehem, know my CD4 count.

my PPD reading is scheduled at 10am. it's 7:30 in the morning, without anything to do, I went to what they call "the posh lounge". I dont know If I can stay there for a while, but I tried, Nurse S was there, invited me in and told me to wait.

the posh lounge area is so cozy, I almost fell asleep, a pozzie came in exclaiming about his court case, I tried to listen but still I cant get much details, later on Nurse S asked my code, and told me when to go to the clinic for my results. a few minutes of more complaints from the pozzie I was told to go to the clinic. I nodded and went there.

As I was walking I can feel my heart beat fast. this is the most crucial point in my HIV life, the make or break, I feel like a American Idol contestant whose destiny lies with the right song, mine lies with my baseline results - well, almost.

time is definitely not on my side as soon as I got in the clinic, Nurse S is attending to a newbie who seems to be in denial about his condition (wow, a newborn pozzie at 8:00 in the morning, cool). he's of working age, apparently about to be employed as he is more concerned about his medical exam than in his baseline, and sounded like me asking if it will show on the medical exam results.

9:00 was nearing and I want to punch this guy and throw him to the different labs! you have H.I.V., for crying out loud, no matter what you say, it cant change a thing!! now get over it and let me have my results!!! - is the thought that's running on my mind. excuse, I know the feeling, but when I found out I am a Poz, I didnt try to convince the doctors nor the papers otherwise.

later on he gave up and had a few baseline done, with nurse S trying to convince him how important it is for him to come back and finish the rest of the baseline tests.

when he left I sat immediately in front of her table and she obliged, retrieved my files, joked about my code name, then, she opened the folder, got the papers and placed it on top of her test.. I was about to take a peek on my CD4 count as I can almost see it when.... she covered it with my PPD prescription and smiled in front of me, Nurse S knew I was trying to peek and she wont let me. she just smiled and laughed.

like, aaaaargh!!!! it's my CD4! cut the crop already...

she asked for my PPD, I showed her my arm,

tsk tsk, then she whispered... positive...

what?!?!?!?!? what would this mean...

Iho, naawa ako sayo (son, I pity you)....

Picture the earth opening up and swallowing me whole (no pun intended).

she told me to wait for doctor barbie doll, a few minutes later, Dr. barbie doll came in, apparently looking tired, maybe she ran all the way here when she realized she's tardy, oh well.

Nurse S gave her the results, she was about to read it to me when her phone rang, she needs to register to some lecture event or so, and told me she'll be gone for 10 minutes max.

oh god, noooooooooooooooo!

so 10 minutes later, she came back.

so here's the run down.

urine : normal

RPR: non - reactive (no STD's or STI's)

X:ray : Normal

tuberculosis : exposed, but negative, told me that this happens naturally. I need, Need to buy medical mask!

CD3: 2688.

now CD4: it's.....

oh well... 4

joke! it's 462.

yeah, it's not exactly what I hoped (600-700-1000) but it is good. I wasnt advised to take ARV medication yet, nor was I advised to take VCO as well, as what Dr. Barbie doll told me, the less medical intake, the better. multivitamins and vitamin C is good enough, backed with a healthy lifestyle.

I can improve my count, I know I can, I just need to sleep more, and exercise too. the important thing is to not have the meds yet, it's a lifetime commitment im not ready to have yet.

I decided to stay for a while, I met JN, who's count is 12, still looks a bit depressed, but he seems to be happy with it... I also met JS, he seems to be, eh, aloof, I tried to make friends with him as nurse S cant find his files, and might redo his tests cause of it, which is too bad, JS has a 130 count and is under medications already, with his files lost, I tried to cheer him up, but all of my friendly charm didnt work, must be my child-like self that turned him off, a met a newbie too, Princess Diana, whose transsexual beauty turns Grandma green with envy. s/he just got her/his reading too, it's 411. almost as good as mine.

I am too happy with my results I asked to have my chart photocopied, to the surprise of most of them, why? I want to keep track about my status, what's wrong with keeping a file? off I went to the lounge to have it photocopied when I met elmo.

elmo seems to be in a slight bad mood as they wont accept his phlegm sample, so he needs to come back again tomorrow with a new one, he too, looked surprised when I had my papers photocopied, he wasnt able to know his CD4 as the laboratory hadn't released it yet.

I stayed in the clinic for a while when hunger stepped in, I decided to leave as I dont like the food in the canteen. The multicab dropped me at starmall and there I went straight to Mcdonalds for a cheeseburger meal to go, got in the bus and ate it there.

now this is one of the provincial buses in which the seats are way high that even if your tall your feet would be elevated. so imagine me, my feet swinging, eating a cheeseburger on one hand, while holding a coke on the other, with a bubbly face as Im way too happy - yeah, I looked like a kid. a grown up version of a baby.

I stopped at SM megamall, this calls for a celebration, I bought two new original instrumentals for me to sing on, and ate at Mcdonalds again... why, I got hungry. blame it on the fasting. (meal: chicken spaghetti, two extra rice, two orange juice and a double cheeseburger meal, yeah, im dead hungry!)

462. my goal is for it go higher without medications. or at least maintain it. No ARVs for me for a long, long time. that's the main priority goal.


doctor Barbie doll told me though it's not advisable for me to take VCO, I can drink and eat coconut anyway, it's more advisable as it's more fresh than VCO.

now that I know my count, I will definitely have lesser worries.

Now I just need a healthier lifestyle, which means, a new sport.

Im guessing Muay thai, imagine all the pain it will give for my pleasure plus it's health benefits, being all bruised up wont decrease my count, aight?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A perfect romance... sort of.

Okay, Im bored, and when Im bored, I watch videos or DVDs.

anyway, I've been eating, Staring at my PPD skin test (which isnt that bad at all), that's pretty much all Im doing for the day, so far. the only highlight of the day is when I taught my mom how to look for a hidden folder in her computer, seriously, mom is that old school.

I saw this video of Buffy and Spike's first intimate scene together, and Im so touched, it's so romantic, so.... for me.

yeah, Im now officially daydreaming that this will be how I will meet my future boyfriend, and this is how we will make love for the first time.

in my daydream, of course, IM NOT Buffy, Im spike. hehehe.

and I just love the line..

spike: I'm in love with you.

Buffy: you're in love with pain!

aaargh! spike is so me! I just hope I have his persona or even his built nevertheless, this is exactly what I have in mind for a perfect love making.

so want to see this video? just click below.

P.S. still waiting for my CD4 results. whew.

the sign of the count

Today, is the day. where I had my baseline checked, finally. like, uber finally.

points to check for readers to know how important this baseline medical checkup is:

1: It checks a pozzie's total health, like, does a pozzie have a certain STD, Hepatitis blah blah, tuberculosis, and other things.

2: To know how healthy the blood is.

3: To know how healthy the Immune system is.

Now this leads to what we call CD-4, in some countries they call it T-Cells, now this is important as this is the basis of how healthy a positive person's immune system is, the higher the number, the better.

now, HIV negative individuals have 1500 CD4 count, that is the normal count, for us positive individuals, all count is good as long as it's not 300 and below.

you are HIV positive if your CD4 count is 200 and up, and you have AIDS if you have a CD4 count of 200 and below. there's hardly any difference, really, only that if you have a lower CD4 count, you are more susceptible to opportunistic diseases and may not be able to be healed from it.

nothing to be worried about - they have medications now that can make your CD4 count healthy and up, supported by a VERY HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. only drawback is, it's a lifetime commitment. but hey, at least it's a lifetime, lifetime. and not like cancer treatments that will later on kill you anyway.

yes people, HIV people, even those with AIDS, as long as they can keep their Immune System up, can live a very, very, long, long, looong, wonderful, full of positivism life.

now, for those who had a naturally high, good and healthy CD4 count, can maintain the healthiness of their immune system even without medications through:

1: at least 8 hours of sleep (depends on the person, if a person is fully energized in just 6 hours of sleep then that will do). keep in mind that TOO MUCH SLEEP IS NOT a healthy option as it causes your body stress already.

2: regular exercise. you know the drill, cardio, jogging.

3: no alcohol and smoke. now, some people even with AIDS still do this stuff In moderation and still their Immune system is improving.

4: healthy food intake.

now, see, surviving HIV isnt so new, it's like, so common already, you read that monthly healthy tips at Men's Health? yeah, that's the key in living a long life with HIV in your system.

so enough with the boring stuff and back to, ME.

to have a proper, Accurate baseline results, one who's about to take the test, which is me, should do a little bit of fasting. 12 midnight of the day of your test, there should be no intake, not even water.

plus, you have a time limit of until 9am.

knowing that part of the test is the icky, incredibly yucky, so full of ewwy stool exam, I pigged out the day before, and guess what? soon as I woke up. I cant Drop at all.

with the call time (7am) fast approaching, I gave up (literally praying for just at least one tiny dropping). showered and went to the meeting place.

I was 30 mins late. mama B.I.T.C.H. doesnt seem to mind.

so at R.I.T.M. we met W, and his new son, the current youngest, elmo. on we went with the baseline, was excited for the blood sample thing because I heard they'll use a big needle and they need to fill 4 vials with my blood, I was expecting it to be somewhat painful, much to my disappointment, I didnt even feel a tiny bit of pain.

Later on we met Rabis, he's there for his CD4 count, he's expecting it to go down as, ho hum, he stopped exercising in the gym... but he still does "Charity work" hehehehe.

the supposed 30 minute baseline test became 2 hours or so as we go from one laboratory to another and all, I thought I can drop already, but as it turns out, it's false alarm.

later on Elmo loosen up and started joking around with us, which is cool and nice.

we separated ways by lunchtime. I went to my college for my toga, my initial plan is to just get it and then just leave...

then I was told that I cant have it unless I'll have my clearance now, pronto.

like, what? whata whatta?

school! they always makes a student life miserable! do they hire private detectives and once they know you have a busy, tiring day they'll make up some excuse to make you more tired?!?!?

So off I went to the registrar, got the clearance form and have it signed to the different departments. it's so nice that every one knew me still. here's how it went.

oh, gagraduate ka na? sayang naman wala nang kakanta sa (program)
uy! graduate na siya, isang kanta naman jan....
ay sayang! wala nang diva sa (name of organization)

yeah I know,Im such a celebrity! really, the urge of telling them my HIV status just for them to sign all the unnecessary signatures by themselves while I just sit around and wait for them to be finished is so tempting. of course I didnt do that, not ever. Im in a catholic school. I believe that upon them knowing Ive bee practicing pre-marital sex, with the same sex at that, and got HIV in the process is enough qualifications for me the become the gay version of joan of arc.

can you just imagine?

me in a pillow sack, all tied up in a post, and they are about to set a fire... and my heart, which will be left unburned like joan's, will remain untouch for fear it will infect them. thus later will become a holy grail of HIV... hmmm, not a bad option.

soon as I was done with the clearance and paid the grad fee, thus confirming my graduation status yet again to a high level, I hurriedly went home.

A while back I was doing guessing games and asked for a sign for what will be my cd4 count. so far, ive been getting lots of good signs.

sign no. 1: I watched queer as folk, where ben was about to disclose his cd4 count, it's 700.

sign no. 2: Rabis said his count is 600.

sign no. 3: the time now is 6:59. thus 659.

they're all in the same range so that is good, aight?

oh well, the guessing game will end soon. I'll find out soon enough.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

A master found.

So after a week of natural high brought about my graduation status, It is about time to spend some quality time with my pozzie friends.

So trese was there, mama B.I.T.C.H. , greenfrog, eldest, and a newbie who I'll call calves.

it's a typical hang out, with a few exception that my natural highness causes a 'lil havoc, Eldest and Greenfrog checks out glare worthy men, I taught calves how to sing, he didnt listen much, So on I went and talked to mama B.I.T.C.H. bout my dream job which turns out to be unrealistic - as he said, even a receptionist does a paperwork job, hmmmm.

there are some funny key details I should point out, but then again, This is my blog, so all the focus should be on me, of course.

as the night went on I cant hold it any longer, behind our table is a man, undeniably straight, bald, bulky, with able and strong arms, he has the whole "master" thing going round him. I want those arms to punch me and throw me around, so i just talked about my masochistic desires to my friends, eldest find it bizarre, calves just smiled, greenfrog focused on something else. mama B.I.T.C.H. is all support, and even told me to check out the guy in a gray white shirt in front of us and told me his arms is more able of breaking me... hmmm. maybe, but the bald guy's height is more able to crunch me. hehehehe.

anyway, point is, at a time like this - the only way for me to break away from such intense desire is to sing my heart out, unfortunately it was too late and they need to go home, and they're not really a karaoke type.

so soon as i got home, i still cant sing as it's already 2am. so i just listened to music when a YM window popped out.

let's call him p19, he's a friend of a distant past. no, he's not 19 years old. but his height looks like of 19 year old that lacked growth potential. So with us being friends way way back, it's only natural for him to catch up. as it turns out, p19 lives just in front of our condominium, and asked me to come over. like, ehhh... isnt it a lil late? plus i removed my contact lens already and flattened my spike hair already. so im not in the mood - to go out, tsk tsk. kayo talaga

I told him we can hang out tomorrow, he said he cant because he'll be watching the pacquiao fight (ew) with his family (kaya naman pala) live at MOA (cool). eh, what happened to this friend of mine? we didnt talk for a while and now he wants to meet up in the middle of the night? like, a no means no, aight? so i just told him i need my sleep and didnt bother to check if he replied or not.

so soon as I woke up he sent 2 messages - 1st is him telling me his dad just picked him up for the match and 2nd they just arrived at moa and told me to text him soon as I wake up.

I woke up at around 1pm. told him, He told me to eat, I told him to enjoy the match, typical stuff.

then at 1:30 he sent me this message - I bought us a ticket to watch (title of the movie), movie will start at 2pm, be here, k? see ya.

he said it just like that, I told him MOA is too far, and i havent even showered yet, it's 1:30 and I cant make it there by 2pm.

he still told me to just get there. like hello, who do you reckon I am, flash?!?!!!!

but it must be my Masochist side that I allowed myself to his demand. I got in the cab by 2:12pm. midway he told me he had the ticket changed to 3pm the whole time, what a sick joke! aaargh!

so, it was an entertaining 3D movie, all i can say. Nothing happened worth writing here the whole time we're at MOA.

But since he's just in front of our condominium, he asked me to drop him off his place first. I obliged, then he paid for the cab and told me to finish our burger king snacks in his place, I said yes - okay, again let me say, it's a typical hang out with a friend. so it didnt cross my mind that...

Soon as I was done with my snacks and That im about to leave, (me outside the door) he asked me to come back inside (I did, stupidly), then he gently closed the door and ehhhhh.... he kissed me. eeeh, eeeh, eeeeh! I pushed him back, told him what the hell, $%$!!!, he said he knew about me and S and he wanted me the whole time (ows?)

It's frustrating, I hate it, okay, so he may only be 4 feet tall or so ( his height didn't pass my shoulder), but he's strong and pushed me to the door, literally tried to kiss my lips (height problems) so he kissed my neck instead while roughly fondling me.

okay okay, so this might be a slight fantasy come true, but, eh, as far as i remember it right, I fantasize a man as bulky and as tall as that guy I saw last night, not a real life hobbit. but, he's cute anyway.

8 gallons of saliva is what he only needs to be infected, kissing is okay I told myself the whole time. okay, must be the longing of such act that I allow him to molest me for a while, come to think of it, he's been tormenting me since this early morning (be at MOA within minutes? blah blah) so he could be a master I've been longing for... eh, a hobbit master?

so he was now biting my left nipple through my shirt and is about to open my fly when I said No, as the word HIV came to mind, he was grinning, the whole time, obviously enjoying the rape,

It's time to tell him, this is a force disclosure!

I was about to open my mouth

tell him you have HIV, then maybe he'll be able to punch me properly in the eye!

I will only have sex to my future boyfriend! (is what i said)

he laughed, like, really laughed.

he was busy laughing, I took the chance and left. he didnt even force me to stop.

the whole time I was walking towards my place I knew I should feel bad, molested or so, I mean, I do, But I feel, eh, Satisfied, I mean, I wasnt able to cum, cause I left, but, I can still feel the pain in my back as he pushed me to the door, the doorknob felt good as it hit my side, plus, he bit my nipple hard to equal the pain... I mean, okay, physically, the pain made me feel good.

but the pain of being partially molested by a hobbit master, is , eh, ewwy.

but what really made me feel bad is that... My prerogative of only having sex with someone I love and is my boyfriend is, partially broken.

I mean, I know I wanna do casual sex now, but, eh... I meant casual in a way i know the guy is at least my height and wouldnt hurt me by surprise!

and I wanna do it next with someone who knew my HIV status so he'll know what will make us safe.

this experience made me realize that:

1: Im not ready to disclose my HIV status to a future partner, thus I need more practice (calling mama B.I.T.C.H.)

2: Im not meant to do casual sex. at all. if ill end up feeling this guilty.

and you know what made things worst?

soon as I got home, mama told me

"son, dont change, we'll hear the mass in a while. "

weeeeee, sorry lord. =) Im still a good boy, I just, eh, let him hurt me for a while, forgive me?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

new life!

Finishing my academics marks a new chapter about to unfold.

I have a goal on what I wanna do for the rest of my life, and I intend to fulfill my goal by achieving each plan leading to that path.

knowing that there is no more school for me makes me feel naked and vulnerable. like a newborn.

it's a blessing really, Knowing bout my HIV status and my graduation.

it's like everything fell into place.

I was about to start a new life as a fresh graduate, and a new life with HIV.

it's not what i hoped for back then, you know. nobody wanted to have HIV soon as they graduate, but it's a blessing for me simply because it completely marks a new start in my life.

It's like that wish some of us had - when we want to go back in time and change something - it's that feeling, only this time its a reality.

my HIV status makes me act like a virgin, or as better put in by mama B.I.T.C.H., it's our 2nd virginity and add the fact that my graduation makes me as vulnerable and clueless as a baby in the real world.

this is my chance to make things right. though it's a new chapter in my life, I havent forgotten what my past mistakes taught me and Im more than willing that in this 2nd life of mine, I'll definitely make things right for me.

think about it - 2nd virginity, still no alcohols and cigars, less academic responsibility - im such a baby! best sit on that high chair and demand dad for some serious milk.

freedom at last

I've been wanting to say this for a long, long, long time.

see, the reason why i havent updated my blog for a while is because i was busy waiting for the release of my final grades. and i was stuck wondering if i'll be graduating this march, or be a summer graduate or worst - be an octoberian. yeah, i was contemplating with all those three option to lessen the "surprise" value whatever the outcome would be.

so yesterday they released the grades online.

i got my confirmation.


i can feel it, i can see it, it's here - FREEDOM!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

A Love Song

Like what i said in my post here, there is a certain song that tickles my fancy.

It was a busy thursday, finals and all.. when my Ipod played this song, and i got fixated to it again.

the groove of the song contradicts to it's meaning, it's R&B melody covers the hidden message of the lead vocalist' pain of being in love with someone who toys him - emotionally though.

the vague lyrics could be interpreted to any meaning - I chose to interpret it sexually. hehe.

here's the chorus,

Then she decides that the dogs belong inside
It's a never ending ride you're taking
I can decide for you hey
It's kinda like a love song

my interpretation:

She is promiscuous, just playin around with the guys (the dogs) and allowing them inside her.

supported by the next line- Its a never ending ride you're taking - means, she just love to ride (grin).

I can decide for.... love song - means he's longing for her love it's like a love song.

more of my favorite lines from the song:

We think he's alive but the flies make me wonders why - means he thinks his heart just died from her coldness but still he loves her.

Chester's beside you and he's singing you a love song - many men wanted her. he fell for someone hard to catch.

And if the darkness is all you see well then you don't know what you're missing. you missed out on the love that came your way.

and of course - my utmost favorite line

Someday I'll be somebody's LOVE SLAVE, for now I've got me all to myself. means, well, to me i perceive it as he's just her sex slave, u know, like a casual buddy, so he'll just let her play with him as that would be the only reason for him to be able to touch her...

Analyzing back this song, it makes me realize that my masochist desires isnt just physical... as i listen more to the song - I realized that I want to long for someone. someone who i really want, need and love. and not to have that someone easily, which always happens nowadays.

I want to know that someone, hate him and love him all the same. not want to be near him but long for him to touch me. to hold back my love for him as I wait for the right time.

I want to fight for my love. I want to cry because Im in love. I want to love and lost, again.

M turned me into stone, J made me numb, HIV turned me back into a person.

guess, it's time.

I want to fall in love again. and I would treasure each waiting moment for that person to come along and make me experience "love at first sight" once again, I may not be able to fulfill my sexual-masochist desire... but waiting to fall in love again while wanting to fall is enough pain to satisfy my cravings.

here's the song if you want to listen to it.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

gracious to O!

today (march 03) marks a first in my poz life.

A month after I tested positive for HIV, here I am facing a situation mama B.I.T.C.H. told me would be a part of my pozzie life - Helping others.

Okay, so in my book, I thought writing a blog is enough to let other people know the importance of HIV tests, as I am planning to help others not be infected by H.I.V. by just writing bout it, you know, bout the importance of knowing your HIV status so that you can help stop the spreading of the virus via abstinence or, by a more realistic mean - safe sex.

So, I know in my previous posts its becoming more of a personal diary and my day-to-day experience with HIV, but hey, im not going out of the context, aight?

so, O was able to read my blog, how he stumbled upon my blog still remains a mystery, and commented on one of my posts giving out his contact so we can get in touch - he wants to advocate.

cool. that's all i can say.

So we emailed each other, based on the emails he is obviously a Negative who just wanna help, as better put by mama B.I.T.C.H. - he needs an immersion in the positive world. but it's the thought that counts, anyway.

so what made me panic? hmmm, okay - i have a thing about small world, it always follows me. get this - SP, my ex no.2 - is a former lover of 1st Best Friend, now, the last time i saw 1st best friend was on my 6th birthday party. J, my sire - asked for help with present gay best friend's traveling agency for his documents, and J was the one to introduce me as his boy(toy)friend to gay best friend and not me. and just recently, Greenfrog informed me that he knew LJ before, and I flirted with LJ for a while, yes, he's one of the flesh meats i was shopping for as a potential next boyfriend. see why it creeps my out?

So, O, just informed me - today, that he was able to convince his friend, a Disk Jockey of Mellow touch 94.7, to talk about HIV, with my, B.I.T.C.H.'s, trese's blog as point of reference, eh, basically look at the right side of the screen and all the links there are used as a point of reference.

Quick calculations of probability crossed my mind, I have a DJ friend in RT. I flirted with one DJ who also sidelines as a voice-over. 3 friends works in a radio station... why didnt they teach probability of small worlds? why didnt i ask my flirt to remind me what radio station he's working to?

again, my blog is written in a way that it's a bit personal - it almost describes me, like - I created a new email, have the link sent to my 4 exes, all of which replied asking if Im me.

with this kind of panic - I need a mom. thankfully B.I.T.C.H. is online - my poz world mother, and like a real mom, he checked the emails, told me what to do, what to say, how to react, what to keep to myself and such - it's like a mother telling her son how to walk. it's sweet.

oh, and he also reminded me that it's my study time already and forced me to study already!- see? a complete mom!

So I gave to O all the information that he needs, and I reviewed for my finals.

when the show aired, my heart was pumping, the DJ's voice is familiar, but it's definitely not my flirt, i can tell - must be my musical ear(term used for musicians who can tell/distinguish a note either by a voice or instrument).

Im just listening, and im feeling nervous - it's like that feeling when you're about to see for the first time your own performance in a show, you know that feeling?

By listening to the show I felt glad in a way that they are giving out the right information thus far - they mustve studied to B.I.T.C.H's notes and message well and understood it. they keep on saying the same old stuff: abstince, safe sex, no bodily fluids to open wound, no sharing of needles, you can interact with pozzies, tears and sweat are safe, carefully distinguishing myths and realities. the DJ later on said that he knew he sounded like a broken record - it's true, preventive measures are just that, not really that complicated. and I like it when they mentioned that negatives shouldnt be afraid of the positives, because we cant transmit HIV to them by all means other than sex (seductive eyes, opening legs, come to me.) and needles, by some. and when they reiterated that it should be us pozzies who needs to be cautious to negatives - as they could give us opportunistic diseases, I smiled. they did their research well. despite the rush.

Later on My mom noticed that i was listening attentively to the radio, which i usually never do, really, even as a singer.

she asked me why the sudden interest...

thinking fast ... oh remember (name i cant type here) my rival in (talent show i cant name here), she's a dj now... hear her? cool aight?

my mom raised her eyebrows, ahhh, the typical stage mother my-son-is-better-than-yours-look. im seriously hoping she wouldnt say someday "son, why wont you audition as a DJ like her?" please. im no longer in the mood for any form of control in my career plans from my mom, really.

then her ears pinked up when the DJ's keep on saying HIV, Sex, Oral Sex, all forms of sex, sex here and there!

she just smiled.... and said "thank god I have such a well-behaved son!" and hugged me tight.

bows, knives and axes all stab my heart and conscience at that time. now is definitely NOT the time to tell her. like, what will I say to her.... "Mom, remember J? yeah, that aussie guy you liked? well, he dogged me good, and he gave me HIV as a remembrance for it! isnt it cool?" nah. no way will that ever work.

but that aside, I would like to thank O for your intentions of helping our word out and wanting to contribute to HIV/AIDS awareness and, in a way, my being a part of it.

if you have more plans, just let me know, maybe next time im more prepared for it. :) mama B.I.T.C.H and I and the rest of the pozzie world are supporting your cause anyway.

Monday, March 1, 2010

HIV cant revise me. bwahahaha

Im feeling better now. why?

okay, so today they updated the candidates of graduation list. five unfortunate souls are deprived from getting their respective diplomas, I am not one of them... my name is still there, up in the list. maybe it's a good sign? i suppose so, that spanish exam still creeps my out.

and for today, surprisingly usual - is a good learning day for my Statistics and College Algebra class, I can catch up quite well, got 16/20 in my quiz about quadratic equations, okay, so i didnt use the quadratic formula but the factoring method, so? it's the same diff anyway.

Im still worried bout that finals report, tomorrow will be the last day of our defense - so there is still something I can do.

so soon as i got home, I opened the final revision of our case study, edited the media plan part, carefully making it more specific, adding some graphics and bars to show the predicted outcome and such.

it's making me feel good, doing what I could to make it right, no, i wont entertain that devilish voice telling me otherwise.

it makes me feel good, you know, my first personal experience that HIV really wouldnt be a hindrance to what i can do.

overthinking, overanalyzing - just stop it.

So here goes, I have the tendency to over-analyze things, and try to predict the future.

must come from the controlling upbringing and strict training i grew up in.

it's always a process, like a song selection, no matter how good your voice is, or how powerful and rangey, it isnt a guarantee that it'll end up with good results - that one note your voice cant register could make a big difference, so you really need to pick the right song that is good for you and your voice. the same applies in real life, i suppose, I thought.

Then HIV came in my life. again as earlier mentioned in my posts, my life is a complete ticket to a HIV-Free life, and still i got it.

the same surprise and lingering thought that changed what i believed in is taking a toll on my academics.

ok, here's the thing.

1: the professor hate us, im sure of it, he's been threatening he'll fail all of us, though I can say i am doing good in his class, i submitted all the requirements, all the homeworks and seatworks, and they're more than just average, its good scores - then to his dismay our group report (finals) wasnt what he expected.

2: same thing with my spanish class, good everything, complete everything, then i think i messed up my finals awhile ago, i was answering the first part about the reflexive verbs and i knew i was doing the right pattern, then i just checked now - I think i used the pattern of the regular verbs. im trying to remember what did i use, even the questions, and i cant remember at all.

surprisingly, im doing great in College Algebra and Statistics Classes, maybe it's time for a career change and study numbers? eh? nah.

so where am i getting at. W told me, Greenfrog told me - overthinking contributes to the decreasing of CD4 (immune system count), which in turns tells me I need to relax. and this is why im having a hard time.

it's always like this, even during my elementary and high school even during my early days in my college - i wonder if ill pass, like maybe i missed something or so.

even in performances, Im afraid my voice will close up and wouldnt reach the notes im required to reach, maybe i'll miss a line in a script...

the pressure of graduating takes a toll on me, and i just need to stop this paranoia.

like in every performance, soon as the curtain comes up and I open my voice to sing - all the nerves are gone and I knew im doing it right.

and just like what my mama said...

why pressure yourself? if they wont give you that diploma, you do what you always do - your best, you can get that diploma somewhere else.

my eyes lit up - I wanna study music and acting and stage performance, my dream job (if my career didnt push through) is to teach aspiring singers and actors, and be a mentor. I really dont know why i ended up in my course, it's so limited and in-the-box.

alas, it must be just the nerves and the graduating pressure thats making me feel and think this way.

all i know, is that I have a Plan, and a goal, whatever happens to me, Im just following my road, nothing, and i mean nothing - can stop me from going to where im supposed to be.