(sex) life after HIV?

Note: Sexual Content, seriously. so if your under the age of ... eh, whatever, you know the deal.


okay, so it's no secret that im living my life as "Mr. Good Boy" since day one.

but seriously, I've been wanting to be bad.

to better explain it further, I'm like a Carrie Underwood who desperately tries to be Tomb Raider, or as better put by Simon Cowell in one of her performances in her stint at American Idol, "a little cat that tries to be the tiger".

that, exactly, is me. however, i wasnt able to act out my frustrations, except of course by growing in some facial hair and singing Slow Rock.

Had I known I'll Be H.I.V. Positive by the age of 23, i really, really would have tried to fulfill all of my sexual fantasies and frustrations before turning 23!

what i would have done:

1: Being in a catholic school exclusively for boys during my high school days, it is a norm that all the hot straight guys, mostly from the varsity, will seek out the gays for sexual experience, some even became so-called lovers (but honestly, they're all using the gays for the homeworks and exams, u know, typical porn stuff). now being out, and one of the "known" students (popular are the athletes, the known ones are like me, who performs in every school event ) the guys seduce me to hook up with them. i remember one classmate, who is as hot as Josh Hartnett, whisper in my ear " everytime i hear you sing, i always get a hard on and i just want to fuck your face real hard and make you ride my tool." he will say those words in tagalog so it's more explicit, tempting, yes... but i didnt give in, simply because i know his friends are betting on it, plus, i dont want the rumors to spread around, and, did i mention that the strict, most feared guidance counselor in our high school is my uncle? so yeah, i was able to save my dignity to the public, but not to myself, because i do want him to do the savage things he said to me. later as my fantasies evolve about him, i picture a dungeon, with me all bruised up, abused and used by him, yes, i credit my BDSM fetish to him. had i known my fate, right then and there, i would be at his mercy, and even beg his friends to join and savage me. seriously.

2: so on my 4th year in high school, my rival in every school contest, whom i'll call S, fell in love with me as we argue about who-sabotage-who. we were screaming at each other when he said "isa na lang, isang-isa na lang pag di ka tumigil, hahalikan kita! (just one more word, one more word and if you wont stop i'll kiss you!)" not sensing the seduction there, i screamed at him "gago ka pala eh, bakla! (you stupid faggot!) " and true to his word, he kissed me. right there and then, in the school auditorium's dressing room. we didnt speak to each other for about a week. in the school restroom, S followed me, locked the door, checked that we are alone and told me in a whisper-like angry voice. "galit lang ako (I was just angry at that time)" and I replied back "eh loko ka pala eh, sa susunod wag ka magalit baka malaman pa ng iba na bakla ka! (then try to compose yourself before the world would know you're gay!). he slammed the wall and said he isnt. i teased him more. and yes, he kissed me again.

later on, by some fate, we are grouped together for a project, and yes, i lost my virginity that night. though happy for my first taste of cock, he wasnt able to fulfill my BDSM desire. he, however became my longest relationship and our sex life is composed of master-slave, with me as a slave and him as the master. however, this isnt the BDSM kind of master-slave. it's as simple as (him fucking me : you like what master does to you? me: oh yes master, more please.... him: (kissing the back of my neck and lips : master will give all his love to you....) now, this isnt what i wanted, i appreciate the passion, but i want passionless sex! i want spanking, slapping, derogatory words! i dont want slow! i want rough and fast! one time i remember it was my turn to be top and i started to go rough and he begged for me to slow down, i didnt, he held me in his arm and said "relax... we have the whole night" i did, however, relax, but in my mind i wanna argue with him. "yeah, i know we have the whole night! and i want you to treat me bad the whole night!". but i wasnt in the mood for a fight.

now, had I known i'd be a poz by 23, I would have entertained those sex invites by executives and my internet friends and, since they're not liable for my intimate well being, they would greatly entertain my thirst for violent sex. i mean cmon, im not gonna hurt ya, i want you to hurt me, who would say no? in my experience, boyfriend does, strangers - i dont know, i havent tried, but i'm quite sure they wont say no, they might even put my in a cage.

I would have gone and have one night stands, just for the hell of it, for the fulfillment of my desires to be told what to do, to be a real sexual slave. i remember a song called "love song" by sky, the lyrics says someday i'd be somebody's love slave... but now im nothing at all. that's exactly how ive been feeling all this time (just replace love to sex). by some unlucky luck, all of my former lovers probably had too many one night stands or just have a different sexual fantasy. they all just smiled and laughed about my fantasy and never took it seriously, because when we have sex, it's always about intimacy, slow, a lil naughty, but never rough.

now some of you might be wanting the same thing. but i've always been "in the box" and was never able to fully experience what i wanna experience.

now im a poz. dont get me wrong, but now i can see a pattern, a design, like everything is falling into place, maybe im destined to be a poz as ive been living this lifestyle that will prolong a life of a poz...maybe im destined to behave so that by this time, im able to adjust to it real quick.

when the doctors told me "if you want to live, you do this, you do that"... it's old news for me. i even picture my talent manager as they all say the same thing.

now i dont know what the future holds, being HIV poz doesnt give me a license to be a slut. But im still hoping that even 3% of my fantasy will be reality.

oh well. i admit, I dream of being a slut. now i cant of course, I'll still be happy with my disposition. oh well, might as well wait for the time for me to fall in love again.