Tuesday, May 11, 2010

truth be told. I feel like im Deteriorating. Dying even. literally.

Drawback is im feeling hyperactive. too active sometimes I dont feel sleepy at all, and by the time I will feel like sleeping, A little activity such as texting or turning off the lights will make me wanna do things more.

though being energetic is a good thing, it's a bad thing when you are having a hard time to sleep. especially on my case - im HIV positive and I can't afford to have Insomia. I need all the rest that I can get.

another bad thing is that the red spots on my face and forearms got worst, they are doing fine, fading and everything - then My mom planned a family outing, we hit the beach, convincing me how "medicinal" the salt water is, being a underwater fan myself, she doesnt need to convince me much, I spent most of the time underwater, checking the corals and the multi-colored fishes, and doing lapses.

had fun, yeah, but soon as I looked at the mirror, the red spots on my face and forearms doubled. soon as I got home I re-started the medications again to no avail.

it feels like having Acne again, being too embarrassed to go out and saying goodbye to your confidence. I cant look at myself without feeling bad.

and to make things worst, my being in the ocean way too much resulted to a sunburn on my back. I have a good tan, I know, I look dark, just how the caucasians wanted it. but it left me wondering how much of my CD4 or my Immune system will it take for it to heal back to it's normal state.

it also didnt help that my mom, much as I love her, Is way too controlling and everything without her knowing. it's hard for her to accept that i cant eat her beloved shrimps and crabs, that when the doctors told me I cant eat Tuna for a while, she went mad, being my dad a tuna exporter, she had fresh tuna meat delivered into our house and told me to eat them. aaaargh!

bad decisions and choices surround me. I need to act up.

Goal is to be healthy, and keep myself away from the ARVs for a while. it seems like im not doing much of a good job.

yeah, Im depressed about it.

I wont let negativity win, im just letting it all out here.

will go to R.I.T.M. sometime this week for a check up. gonna keep myself healthy from now on.


Anonymous said...

might help.
be well,