candles!

Today is the big day.

Today is the AIDS Candlelight memorial 2010.

Im not really expecting it much, I honestly thought it'll be around December during the world AIDS day...

Then I opened my Gayromeo and there it was for all to see. the ad placement of the upcoming event.

I remember that time when I was hanging out with the other pozzies and Greenfrog told me about his experience when he attended the candlelight memorial and how he cried a tear (sorry I have to mention, sis) and how it seemed funny now (how he cried).

I don't really understand how it goes, but all I know is that, they will light a candle to the victims, those who died and those still living of HIV/AIDS and how each candle represents the victim or so. something like that.

over the past few weeks I got lots of invites to attend the event, RY particularly invited me in a manner that it seemed like a requirement, like, who will light my candle? (no pun).

I woke up today with 6 text messages, all of them from fellow pozzies, ranging from "are you going later for the ceremony?" to the pleading "please come" to the more commanding "your candle must be lighten - Attend! Attend!"

yeap, as you guess it, I need a motherly advise, so yeah, I inquired to mama B.I.T.C.H. if I'm even remotely required to attend or I need to bring a proxy... maybe this is like a baptism of sorts.

No, I don't want to attend and light a candle for my part. why? simply because:

1: I intend to keep my identity a secret. yeah I know I hang out with fellow pozzies like me, more frequent actually, but hello - they are also discreet like me (not talking in a homosexual sense), we all look healthy and so no one will ever doubt... I mean, none of us came close to the level of Sarah Jane Salazar or Wanngo Gallaga, who will know? really. now this is an event where majority are Pozzies themselves or Advocates, it's way too high a risk a exposure for me.

2: I don't think I'm emotionally ready for such event: It isnt like World Aids Day where it's like a concert and the singers will make a spiel about HIV/AIDS before they sing and rock the stage and where most of the audiences are neggies and pozzies combined you can't tell who's who. as what Greenfrog said, he cried. I don't wanna cry, I want to smile and laugh. what I have isn't as bad as cancer, really, and im quite sure I wont Die anytime soon, and I don't want to be in an event that subconsciously says otherwise. I'm in a good mindset now, I don't want to think it over. for one thing, from the start I felt like a victim of HIV/AIDS, but now I don't feel like it, simply because I know in me that I can stop the spread of HIV/AIDS by being responsible and my advocacy can be heard through this blog. Im a newborn, and I intend to learn more, and we learn more by not rushing.

So no, I'm not coming, not yet, not this time. mama B.I.T.C.H. replied and told me I am not required (got that RY?). so I'm not going.

But in respect to the souls of Sarah Jane Salazar, Freddy Mercury, Gia, Ryan White, Michael Jetter and many others around the globe, I will light a candle in my own room.

for me It's better to light a candle in your own private place, where I can say I'm not victim, but a survivor, for I can live through this. where I can say a silent prayer to the departed souls and grant them peace. where a candle is a symbolism of intimacy to oneself and say, this is my new life, a new me. and it's not as bad as it looks. Ironic as it was, It keeps me alive.