I can't Afford to have H.I.V.

I didn't mean that figuratively, I mean Literally. and I didn't mean just HIV, I mean any sickness, I can't afford to be sick. It's way too expensive. I think.

Last Friday My mom was rushed in a Hospital somewhere in Greenhills.

I was in the 2nd day of the photoshoot when TITA informed me about mom's situation, we immediately went to the hospital to check up on mom.

In the hospital I was busy nursing my mother and processing the admitting forms.

my sister was left in the house to wait for my absent father, so it was just me, TITA and mom's secretary in the hospital.

Tita and Mom's secretary are busy talking to the doctors about the condition, and they needed mom's Secretary's testimonials on what happened as mom can't speak out a sentence but just a word. so yeah, I was the one left doing the admitting processing.

and it wasn't easy, I was shaking when the staff gave me some papers to sign, I was reading them one by one and I can't seem to understand all of it, it also didn't help that there are lots of patients going around coughing and sneezing that suddenly I was afraid of my own health, I might pick up something here. yeah, mighty me with HIV, you might say, but that doesn't mean they should be more cautious to me, unless I'll have sex with them, which is unlikely, but in reality I should be the one more Cautious to Them as they can give me something I can't heal myself from, you know.

so I was able to sign the papers and chose a private room for mom when I was asked to pay for the deposit, I was like, what? and when they told me how much I want to sink from the floor.

I told TITA about the amount and she just simply shrugged it off, she has enough cash on hand to pay for it anyway.

so anyway, what happened was, Mom vomited after lunch, and felt dizzy, she almost passed out but fought to remain conscious, she was rushed first at a hospital in Makati (as she was in the office that time) where they did some tests, all tests came back normal except for her blood pressure as it fluctuates every minute, they did a CT - Scan to check for any clots on her brain.

she was asked to be admitted for observation and she said via writing that she wanted to be in greenhills hospital (mom can't speak that moment)

anyway, the next day we were told by mom's handsome doctor that she almost had a heart attack, and what happened is a mere warning of the worst to come if she won't take care of herself. her Blood pressure is still not normal but since all tests are good, she can be released. she will just be under medications from then on.

my absent father was still absent during the whole incident. just proving what I thought of him is right.

what burst my bubble is simply = the insurance.

mom simply shrugged off the hospital bills as her health insurance pretty much covered half of it, I was the one doing all the processing and I was shocked that in just one day the bills went up. it'll be way expensive had my mom have no insurance at all.

which made me realize my case, J (my sire) was rejected of a health insurance when they found out he is HIV positive, he told me his case is different as he is self-employed, but once I can get an employer I can actually have an insurance without passing some medical check ups.

his explanation only made me feel like a child, which I am, I am new to this thing, suddenly there's a lot to learn. and all I can think of, how on earth am I gonna do this?

when my mom was discharged and everything, all went smoothly. suddenly I felt unable. all that Ive been doing is process this and that, do this and that, and the fact that I can't even provide the expenses and all I can give is man power makes me feel small, and it makes me afraid of my well-being.

Im thinking of what will happen later on, when Im older, when my CD4 went down and I got hospitalized, will I have enough money to pay for it? or how about if I will apply for an insurance? will I be disclosing my HIV status? or like J, I'll be rejected for the insurance? what will happen then? if I will save money, will it be enough? countless thoughts run through my head.

suddenly having HIV makes things complicated when it shouldnt be.

S told me to relax and not think about it. he did advise me that I should take advantage of what I have now, keep my CD4 up, continue my healthy lifestyle, and Save enough money.

I can prevent being hospitalized, he said.

it's my first taste of reality in the so called "real world" and I am in awe at how adults take care of things, I just hate the feeling of not knowing what to do.

will I survive when I'm alone? who will take care of things?


S is right, better stop thinking.

better be healthy and save more money.

yeah yeah. just some random rant

yeah, I know, lack of updates on my blog, and since it's 3:27 am now and I can't sleep (don't worry, I was asleep from 5pm - 12am... I tried to sleep again and I can't), I guess it's the best time to update my blog.

A lot have been happening since graduation, it's like, Suddenly I was whipped out of the HIV world and I'm back on my regular day-to-day basis, having rarely heard any updates on my pozzie friends, I guess this is the phrase when you truly experience that There is life in HIV. and when I say Life I mean figuratively, Like all else is normally busy.

to start off, I'm glad to let you know, I have officially joined the league of you-and-me-against-the-hypocritical-world, taboo and almost unaccepted type of a romantic relationship... no, Im not talking of a Man-to-Man relationship, dummy, though it is a M2M relationship, I meant HIV-negative-to-HIV-Positive relationship.

yeah, S and I are together, again. I knew it, yeah. It didnt start good, though.

since the Baccalaureate Mass drama we've been spending lots of times together, usually him vising my flat after 6pm, or going and watching my voice rehearsals.

so anyway, as my paranoid mind perfectly predicted, S was afraid of me, I meant my HIV status, his mentality, then so sort of like those in the 80's, got him thinking touching me while Im sweaty can have him infected, and lot's of similar stuff.

So I told him what I knew (insert boring lectures here coupled with a few debates), had him read HIV related articles, let him know HIV preventive measures, and how I can not infect him.

He understood, But was still afraid (insert more fighting) tried to fight his irrational fears (insert more disagreements).

so, basically, we started with him regularly checking his lips and mine for cuts before kissing me, me convincing that 8 gallons of saliva doesn't mean some of my saliva left in glass of water or utensil and that we can share drinks and utensils and so on.

the sex part was the worst, we didn't have sex for a while, we are contented with the hugging, cuddling and careful kissing, but then one night he wanted it, again, cause of his fears we've done it slow, like, handjobs. One time I squirted a Lot of cum and it sprayed all over and he panicked because I gave his chest a cumshot - and his chest has no cuts at all.

so anyway, we started from there, i don't know why I even tolerated his utmost fear from me, but we learned from it, now, he's way too comfortable that he doesn't check his lips anymore for cuts before he will kiss me, he hugs me more intimately now, and as of last night we finished off the 3rd box of my condom stacks. basically, everything is all good. though he's afraid of meeting other Pozzies yet, Im quite sure he's not ready for the full-on immersion type, better make sure he wont make a bad first impression to my pozzie friends before I will introduce them to each other.

N.B. also for a while, he got jealous with new york, but new york vanished soon as Easter came, anyway.

so on my professional work.

I wont go into details, but I will have a show sometime in may, that's what the rehearsals are for, but waiting for my talent fee to come (living of rehearsal money as of now, talent fee will be given after the show) is becoming a bit of an issue, I mean, money isn't much of an issue now, but I can say that it is bound to happen soon. Panicking, I went on a job hunt the day before the show's principal Photography, it went well, the job hunt, on my first day and on the first company I applied, I got accepted, the job offer will be the next day. so on I went If i really wanted nor even needed this job because after 2 months, I'll be a goer. like, vanish in this place (didn't mean the workplace, you take a good guess cause I wont say it here), plus, I'll be working at nights, as the recruitment staff told me - the day shift account I wanted was just axed, like, months ago and all they have are night shift accounts.

thinking I could just resign after 2 months of so, I was thinking accept or not, it came at a bad time as well as the next day I'll be busy for the whole afternoon because of the photo shoot.

so I need to think. and I need opinions, so I asked around.

Mom, TITA, and Gay bestfriend 1 are all against it.

S - is afraid of my CD4 count which made me more paranoid. but he has a point, ah, that's why I love you, you know, mwah!

mama B.I.T.C.H. - asked me my priority.

S - still afraid of my CD4 and really wants me to NOT accept the job, and that we could use the time just being together.

Gay best friend 1 - reminded me I still have money.

Mom - reminded me I still have money, too. and what we will do 2 months from now.

TITA - reminded me of the shows and rehearsals I need to attend to and felt disrespected for my even considering getting a different job.

so, yeah, I didn't took the job. went a full-on diva, and never answered the company's call. ah, I love rejecting, LOL.

anyway, just 2 days ago Mom was suddenly rushed to the hospital because of the heat. though lucky she didnt have a heart attack, the heat stroke left a scar on mom's health. her blood pressure is fluctuating by the minute, it ranges from 160 - 110 then back to 160, she was under observation for a night, all results are normal except for her blood pressure, was given medications and she needs to follow it. more on that experience on my next post as that experience gave me an insight and a moment of depression.


so until then, ciao!

Bad, you know, bad. just bad

I woke up around 10am today and was convinced that today will be just like any other day and there is nothing worth writing about...

I was dead wrong.

So, I woke up, typical stuff, Hot Choco, Ginger ale, Breakfast, Shower, but instead of turning the computer on I decided that the DVD player needs attention so Off I watched Shake, Rattle and Roll 2 and Aswang on DVD, yeap, I have those local horror classics on DVD, dont ask me how...

so fast forward to 3 in the afternoon, I decided that the summer heat is tolerable enough for me to workout in the gym (tummy is feeling better, less sharp pain, I can eat already, though not more than usual) I was on the elevator when suddenly... A buzzing sound came in, the lights flickered and then... Darkness.

okay, hello, am I dead? is this the ride to heaven or so? I thought to myself as all I can see is black.

okay, so rewind in a bit, this is how it happened, I entered the elevator, pressed "G" for me to go to the ground level, the sliding door closed, I felt the elevator car go down for a bit, the buzz sound, flickered lights and darkness.

okay, rewind again... maybe a string was cut and the elevator car crashed.... I wondered again, I pinch myself, It hurts, Pinched my tummy, it hurts wonderfully as well. yeap im alive.

hello? HELLO?!?!? I said, my voice echoed, later on my eyes got adjusted to the darkness, I can see a few outline, I shouted loudly

HELP! IM TRAP HERE! HEEEEELP! Then I banged on what I think is a wall.

breathe in, stomach in, voice powered by diaphragm and chest - HEEEEEEEELP!!!!

Ugh, what's the use of being a singer when I cant use my voice to scream for help?

Like, seriously, this is what they call security? there isnt even a emergency light installed, nor does the emergency button light itself red just so I know what to press and call for help!

someone also banged on the wall, which now I think is the sliding door (insert me screaming as someone banged, since I love to watch horror films, guess now is the best time to practice the damsel in distress scream queen act eh?)

are you okay there?

It's the guard, I was told that the electricity suddenly went out, and that something went wrong in one of the wires of the generator thus not a single supply of power can get through our building, I asked if I can be exited, he asked if I can wait as they are trying to fix the generator as once a little power can come in the elevator can operate normally, or whether I wanna do some "let's get out the elevator" act I always see in horror films and action films nowadays.

hmmm... I thought about it. then I remembered scenes in the movie "resident evil" and "final destination 2" and Halloween H20"... all those who got trapped in the elevator either got their limbs chopped, or better yet, was beheaded final destination style. so I told him I'll wait.

He told me to calm myself, less panic (never work) and that they are fixing the generators now.

so I sat on the floor, having no choice as there are no seat available, the guard said he has to go, I pleaded no (the darkness, is too dark) but he has to, generator thing, he told me to relax as he already informed the rest that Im in the elevator, I heard from replies on his walkee talkee that one elderly woman was also trapped in the other tower, as it turns out, they are more attentive to her than to me as, well, the term was, she's more near death than me. ugh, unfair! as if im not dying in fright that very moment!

it also didnt help that I watched 2 horror classic that morning, I tried to erase the memory of aswangs on trees, of alma moreno on the rooftop making her tongue long to decapitate a pregnant lady... I almost succeeded when..

I remembered that scene in the eye where an ugly ghost is fast approaching that clairvoyant girl in the elevator... ugh! bad bad bad! I was shaking on my boots when suddenly,

zooming sound, lights flickered, light came in (thank goodness! was actually in tears) the elevator car, however, shook a little bit, it wasnt moving, then I pressed "G" again, it shook again, then I felt it moved, when the sliding doors opened, there are like dozens of people waiting, unfortunately, they arent there waiting for me, like If im okay or not, they are stranded and was waiting for the elevator to be available for them, one even nodded, one gave an apologetic smile, I walked out embarrassingly! I can hear a mom tell her kid "he got trapped sweetie, it's fine now", aaaargh it isnt!

caught up with the guard, was relieved I was okay, I was still shaking, tried to relax, they want me to head to the administration for some reports and to confirm Im okay, like no injuries or whatever, guess they're looking for proof they're not liable to anything or so, they offered free drinks and food, though, which I think was nice.

I was told I was inside for 20 minutes, really? that was just in minutes, I asked them, It felt longer!

so anyway, my fear subsided when I went straight to the gym and worked out.

so as I was working out, I noticed this guy with great, soft skin, like the clearest skin!, good small face, and nice middle-length long brown hair, what attach me more is his toned arms, exactly what I wanted, not big enough, but toned enough.

so I smiled as he saw me looking at him, he smiled back. back to working out again, guess it must be working for me as when I look into him and smiles, he smiles back, which is nice.

I was doing my shoulder workout when he started to walk towards me, I grinned at him, he grinned back, and went straight ahead, oh... he's going to the rest room... I wonder if that is a sign for me to follow him and..

oh wait...

he went inside the female restroom, he, i mean she went inside the female restroom!

@$@#!~#@#!@##!@#!!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what the hell!!!??!!? no, Im gay! I like boys! Only boys!

a cute hunky teen patted me on the shoulder and told me I have no chances on her, as she's a lesbian, right there and then I wanted to punch him! Im not even contemplating on the thought, oh my!

I need to focus on men! and correct my taste! so on I went and looked at the different men around me. this is baddd!

later on she went out of the restroom, she changed back to her regular clothes, more noticeably woman now than when she's wearing her baggy gym outfit that makes her look like a man!

she smiled back at me and I looked away.

what a bad day im having!

better be careful.

So I was on the ab rocket chair, doing some serious abs workout on my left side, when after doing it so, I felt a little gush coming out from my upper left abdomen, the way that I visualize it was a liquid or so spilled out from within and filled my lower belly (im talking internally, k?).

as I was on my left side I find it hard to straighten my body, soon as I was able to, I felt an extreme pain from the waist up, it lingered most specially on my head, giving me a strong headache and I can feel the nerves around my hands shake in the sensation and it feels like im about to explode.

the whole time I want to collapse, I just fought the feeling, didnt do my rightside abs workout as I can't, quite obviously. and walked home, and trying to stay awake.

usually the gym and my unit is just a 15 minute walk, but I was so slow I walked for about 30 minutes, I can see dark shadows on both sides and I was saying to myself "Stay awake, stay awake" . I literally just want give in and collapse, but Rico Yan came to mind, I dont want to die in my sleep.

soon as I got home, I drank tons of water, the sharp pain on my upper left abdomen went stronger, Still afraid to fall asleep, I turned on my PC and posted my condition on my books.com profile, luckily, a friend, who is a nurse guided me through.

we chatted online via messenger and I turned on my webcam so I can point where I felt the gush of liquid fall out and where it stayed and such... well, he told me not to worry as I look fine and as healthy as a horse, though he admitted I look so red, he asked for abdominal pains and I told him I cant feel any pain on my stomach now, but the pain lingered in my head, particularly on my temples, making me want to sleep.

friend nurse cant give any diagnosis based on my description, he found it too weird, said I might just tore a muscle or so, but I kept on saying - I felt a gush of liquid fall out. which I think makes it more weird, he told me to go to the hospital and have it checked, but since it was too late (around 11pm, finished working out around 10pm) I said I cant, of course there are other factors to think about like telling my mom we need to go to a hospital, doctors do some tests, and a possible force disclosure of my HIV status. I cant risk that yet.

he advised me to sleep, which I did, I was praying so hard that I will be able to wake up and not die from my sleep (hey, you experience a liquid coming out of your intestines? so understand my panic. )

fortunately I did woke up, all feeling fine, as if nothing happened.

every now and then I will feel a sharp pain on my upper left abdomen, but later on in a day it will be gone, it will hurt more whenever I get hungry, and will hurt even more when I eat, it feels like you just ate and you suddenly danced? that feeling of tummy tightness when you cant move, that's how it almost feels like - when I eat.

texted Dr. Glasses that Ill visit the campus sometime this week for a check up. will observe the pain for a while (no, im not saving it for my masochistic desires, dummy.)

P.S. also told Voice teacher about this, why? well, she originally is a licensed physician before deciding to stop practicing and focus on music... she said "oh, it must be your spleen" "my spleen?" on to a explanation I cant really comprehend.

she said further "well, you dont look that unhealthy, just have it checked for your peace of mind".

holy holy holy

yeah, Im back. if some of you are wondering what the hell am I doing these past few weeks after my graduation, it's just as simple as : Sleep, Eat, Gym, Swimming, Voice rehearsals, and did I mention more sleep? hence the lack of updates on my blog, I mean, what do you want me write about? my dreams where Sam Worthington trapped me in the dungeon to be his sex slave? nah, those kind of write-ups are not meant to be written here.

anyway, though uneventful as it seems, there are some things that happened during the holy week that are worth mentioning.

1: Holy Wednesday: Gay best friend 1, after resigning from his stressful job decided that it's the best time to interrupt my wonderful sleep, off we went to Big mall nearby to buy some new stuff for his camera thing (gay best friend 1 sidelines as a photographer, and he's a good one, you've seen his works, mostly if you follow local movies and unknown models), now see, Gay best friend 1 has a heart condition, thus the lack of work load lately, now I was with him when My heart palpitate, it felt like it's trying to come out of my rib cage and once it realized it can't happened, I can literally feel my heart go down, I texted Dr. Glasses about this, told me to have my BP checked, it came out as normal, Gay best friend 1, being almost a "genius" about heart problems thanks to his condition, told me it's just a simple heartburn. we later on ate as to relief the palpitation, of course I panicked, he doesnt know my real health Status now see.

2: Holy thursday: rehearsals were moved to good friday (hey, us artist will take all the time to improve on our craft, okay? pardon to some who considers it as such an occasion to some religious sorts), New york kept me company through text and calls, he cant be with me physical as, being traditional, he's in a province I'll call Paris. mom left already for her retreat, and Im all alone, S found out im alone, invited himself over around 1 in the afternoon, I gleefully said yes, he arrived 7 in the evening, nice, so typical of him. so what did we watch?

• the little mermaid
• beauty and beast
• one more chance

yeah, so childish I know, but hey! I was in the mood for good 'old disney films! soon as we finished beauty and beast S wanted to watch something "mature". so I played One more chance, where he laughed, we tried to re-enact the famous scenes in the movie but we cant perfect it as we always end up laughing, anyway, we werent able to finish the film as somewhere along the film we fell asleep (seriously, literally. not figuratively, why? I think the couch is big enough for the two of us..)

3: Good friday: woke up with the sound of erik santos' belting out I'll never go, it's the one more chance menu selection, and ehem ehem, S's arms are around me (insert me having good chills), stayed there for a while 'til he woke up, and his arms are still around me as he greeted me good morning (insert more chills). told him I have voice rehearsals at mini coliseum, he offered to drive me there, and My, what a love drive it was - the entire city is like a ghost town, im actually waiting for zombies to come out, see, the city is as empty as the opening of 28 days later.

4: Black Saturday: had dinner with good old friends I havent seen for a long while, Co-actress was there, Co-actress just recently landed a spot in a GMA 7 new reality dating show that is almost done, will air around april 29 or so (promote?) told me to stopped doing stage performances and level up, and go to VTR's, I reminded her my skin isnt good enough for TV, she shrugged it off and said "what's the make-up for?" told her I'd think about it, but, nah, Im not superficial enough for TV, I prefer the stage.

mom got home and on we went to church for the easter vigil mass.

was texting new york the whole week, talking even as usual before we sleep, I dont know what happened after Easter, we just, stopped communicating. I'm a bit sad about it, I dont know why. I mean, I havent heard from calves, eldest, green frog and mama B.I.T.C.H. for a while but I know we're fine, with new york, it's different.


oh well, as they say, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be, I may never know, I might hear from him again a few days from now.