Pre-Graduation blues

All week long I've been "almost" busy with my Graduation Rehearsals for this Saturdays' Commencement Exercises, (insert happy, golly smile here).

the rehearsal itself is pretty boring and uneventful, nothing worth writing about except one fact:

1: My being two years delayed in my college academics (stopped after high school for theater, and add another for my back subjects) made it possible for me to be included in the Graduating batch of D.

LOOK BACK IN THE PAST

So you must all be wondering who the hell is D, well, here goes...

remember S? S who is briefly mentioned in my earlier posts? well, S is my first boyfriend, first love, first everything.

We are together for 2 years, enough time for us to be well attached to each other - attached enough that we spend too much time in each others' house almost every weekend, making it possible for the both of us to know each others' families.

Later on S was introduced as a boyfriend, and Im introduced as "one of the gang", unfair eh? oh well, S's parents bought it, except for D.

D is S's Little brother. D has been doubtful about our status, he soon found out my real relationship with his brother, he didnt took it well, but he cooled later on after many attempts to prove I love and wont hurt his brother.

At that time, D was nerdy-like. he wears glasses, lanky, and freakishly tall for his age.

BACK IN THE PRESENT TIME

Eventually S and I broke up after I decided to pursue my theater career and not further my academics... we lost contact as he removed me from his friendster list (friendster is still the 'in' thing back then) and blocked me in his Yahoo messenger, so when I decided to continue my Academics and had myself enrolled in a prestigious college, I had no means of telling him, and frankly I was busy with S.J. then (my second boyfriend), but he still remains as "the-one-who-got-away" for me. you know?

I was on my sophomore year when after singing the national anthem in the welcoming ceremony for the upcoming freshmen did I notice someone familiar in the audience, It was D. still wearing glasses, still freakishly tall, but no longer lanky, he gained mass and incredible muscles, still not much of a looker like S, but still, considerably hot enough.

He recognized me, of course, there was a point, being our college is a bit of a small campus, that we will coincidentally see each other in the hallways, I always smile "hi", he seldom responds, most of time I'll just get a raised eyebrow acknowledgment or so.

the thought of seeing S again contemplated on my mind, but it never did came true...

then on the first day of our Graduation Rehearsals, his name was called and was instructed what to do onstage, my heartbeat became fast... this could only mean one thing: I will definitely see S on the graduation ceremony itself.

as the days go by, I relaxed, a bit excited on Saturday, both on my graduation and on seeing S.

Last night was our Baccalaureate Mass, after the almost 2 hour mass and a firework display that almost put the pyromusical to a shame, the graduation ball started, was with friend Jang Geum who is a fat version of me - we are exactly the same: we don't pee on wall urinals, we dont drink alcohol, and we dont party much, and am with C, a lesbian friend who is a complete butch (a lesbian that has a mannerism of a guy) and surprised everyone when she came to the baccalaureate mass wearing a off shoulder white top and a mini bettyboop black skirt, she's a complete sight!

I was tempted to go straight home immediately after the Baccalaureate mass, when Jang Geum wanted to try the food the catering prepared for us, it's free anyway, and C wanted to do a photo shoot on the photo-op wall simply because some hot girls are there. so I decided to stay for a while.

after a while of hanging out, I bailed out. Soon as I head to the exit I noticed a familiar figure on his out as well, it's D.

I relaxed, Im behind him anyway, He wont notice me if I wont make a scene, we're on a one way street so I cant go anywhere else, then D hopped in a passenger seat of a white car that is parked, I breathed heavily and hurriedly walk past the car

then the white car honked so loud behind me, as if trying to get my attention... I tried to stopped but I Didn't, when someone called my name loudly.

it's his voice.

it's S.

I havent seen him for a long, long, long time... and he still looked the same to me, I cant explain what I felt at that moment, all I can say is that, it's like my searching stopped and found what I was looking for...then he approached me and hugged me...

"I read your blog" was what he whispered to my ear.

when he said that, I froze, see, soon as I became okay with my HIV status I sent an email with a link to my blog using a different account to all of my exes, I dont know if their email ads still exists, but it's worth a try aight? days after all of them replied asking if it's me, I didn't reply to answer their query, evidently.

I just hugged him tight, and asked what makes him think it's me... He simply said "Only you can describe perfectly how much we hate each other when we started..." he said more stuff that I didnt hear because I just cried.

Rivers of tears flow out of my eyes, I dont know why, I cant explain it, I dont know how long we looked like that, hugging each other with me crying, passersby might be wondering but I didnt care, Ive been wanting to see him again, and now he's here holding me in his arms.

he still knew me, he knew that when I cry I should just be held, he stopped murmuring and just let me cry while we hugged each other.

he later on asked me to hop in and said that he'll drive me home, I looked at the car and saw that D moved to the backseat, smiled at me and waved hi. I cant say no, later he dropped D at Greenhills, then he drove me home.

we didnt talk the whole time, every now and then he will just hold my hand, and I'll just cry.

he parked in front of the lobby, and he didnt want me to go out yet. then we talked, he said he's been reading the blog and all, he talked about how much he hated J for giving me HIV, I told him to not hate him as he didnt know he has it as well.

"you dont deserve any of this..."

"Doesnt matter if i deserve it or not, I have it already...and im okay with it.. really".

he touched my chin, looked at me.

"(his petname to me), this is me, you can stop pretending you're okay, I know you're not".

I just froze, cant think of anything to say. I know deep inside im okay with my HIV status, today is just different, I just cant explain why I've been crying way too much. I was forced to go out the car as the condominium tower guard told us we cant park S's car there for a long time. I was about to get out when he reached out for my hand and said

"Im just here for you"

thank you. was all I can say.

Im still trying to get over the emotional feeling I got from seeing him again, and disclosing it to him.

probably because I know that HIV could be a hindrance for me to find the love that I need and want. All i see now is pity, and I refuse to be pitied at.

and it hurts the most because the pity is coming from my first, the first person I fell in love with.