new life!

Finishing my academics marks a new chapter about to unfold.

I have a goal on what I wanna do for the rest of my life, and I intend to fulfill my goal by achieving each plan leading to that path.

knowing that there is no more school for me makes me feel naked and vulnerable. like a newborn.

it's a blessing really, Knowing bout my HIV status and my graduation.

it's like everything fell into place.

I was about to start a new life as a fresh graduate, and a new life with HIV.

it's not what i hoped for back then, you know. nobody wanted to have HIV soon as they graduate, but it's a blessing for me simply because it completely marks a new start in my life.

It's like that wish some of us had - when we want to go back in time and change something - it's that feeling, only this time its a reality.

my HIV status makes me act like a virgin, or as better put in by mama B.I.T.C.H., it's our 2nd virginity and add the fact that my graduation makes me as vulnerable and clueless as a baby in the real world.

this is my chance to make things right. though it's a new chapter in my life, I havent forgotten what my past mistakes taught me and Im more than willing that in this 2nd life of mine, I'll definitely make things right for me.

think about it - 2nd virginity, still no alcohols and cigars, less academic responsibility - im such a baby! best sit on that high chair and demand dad for some serious milk.

freedom at last

I've been wanting to say this for a long, long, long time.


see, the reason why i havent updated my blog for a while is because i was busy waiting for the release of my final grades. and i was stuck wondering if i'll be graduating this march, or be a summer graduate or worst - be an octoberian. yeah, i was contemplating with all those three option to lessen the "surprise" value whatever the outcome would be.

so yesterday they released the grades online.


i got my confirmation.

IM DEFINITELY GRADUATING THIS MARCH!

i can feel it, i can see it, it's here - FREEDOM!

A Love Song

Like what i said in my post here, there is a certain song that tickles my fancy.

It was a busy thursday, finals and all.. when my Ipod played this song, and i got fixated to it again.

the groove of the song contradicts to it's meaning, it's R&B melody covers the hidden message of the lead vocalist' pain of being in love with someone who toys him - emotionally though.

the vague lyrics could be interpreted to any meaning - I chose to interpret it sexually. hehe.

here's the chorus,

Then she decides that the dogs belong inside
It's a never ending ride you're taking
I can decide for you hey
It's kinda like a love song

my interpretation:

She is promiscuous, just playin around with the guys (the dogs) and allowing them inside her.

supported by the next line- Its a never ending ride you're taking - means, she just love to ride (grin).

I can decide for.... love song - means he's longing for her love it's like a love song.

more of my favorite lines from the song:

We think he's alive but the flies make me wonders why - means he thinks his heart just died from her coldness but still he loves her.

Chester's beside you and he's singing you a love song - many men wanted her. he fell for someone hard to catch.

And if the darkness is all you see well then you don't know what you're missing. you missed out on the love that came your way.

and of course - my utmost favorite line

Someday I'll be somebody's LOVE SLAVE, for now I've got me all to myself. means, well, to me i perceive it as he's just her sex slave, u know, like a casual buddy, so he'll just let her play with him as that would be the only reason for him to be able to touch her...


Analyzing back this song, it makes me realize that my masochist desires isnt just physical... as i listen more to the song - I realized that I want to long for someone. someone who i really want, need and love. and not to have that someone easily, which always happens nowadays.

I want to know that someone, hate him and love him all the same. not want to be near him but long for him to touch me. to hold back my love for him as I wait for the right time.

I want to fight for my love. I want to cry because Im in love. I want to love and lost, again.

M turned me into stone, J made me numb, HIV turned me back into a person.


guess, it's time.


I want to fall in love again. and I would treasure each waiting moment for that person to come along and make me experience "love at first sight" once again, I may not be able to fulfill my sexual-masochist desire... but waiting to fall in love again while wanting to fall is enough pain to satisfy my cravings.


here's the song if you want to listen to it.

gracious to O!

today (march 03) marks a first in my poz life.

A month after I tested positive for HIV, here I am facing a situation mama B.I.T.C.H. told me would be a part of my pozzie life - Helping others.

Okay, so in my book, I thought writing a blog is enough to let other people know the importance of HIV tests, as I am planning to help others not be infected by H.I.V. by just writing bout it, you know, bout the importance of knowing your HIV status so that you can help stop the spreading of the virus via abstinence or, by a more realistic mean - safe sex.

So, I know in my previous posts its becoming more of a personal diary and my day-to-day experience with HIV, but hey, im not going out of the context, aight?

so, O was able to read my blog, how he stumbled upon my blog still remains a mystery, and commented on one of my posts giving out his contact so we can get in touch - he wants to advocate.

cool. that's all i can say.

So we emailed each other, based on the emails he is obviously a Negative who just wanna help, as better put by mama B.I.T.C.H. - he needs an immersion in the positive world. but it's the thought that counts, anyway.

so what made me panic? hmmm, okay - i have a thing about small world, it always follows me. get this - SP, my ex no.2 - is a former lover of 1st Best Friend, now, the last time i saw 1st best friend was on my 6th birthday party. J, my sire - asked for help with present gay best friend's traveling agency for his documents, and J was the one to introduce me as his boy(toy)friend to gay best friend and not me. and just recently, Greenfrog informed me that he knew LJ before, and I flirted with LJ for a while, yes, he's one of the flesh meats i was shopping for as a potential next boyfriend. see why it creeps my out?

So, O, just informed me - today, that he was able to convince his friend, a Disk Jockey of Mellow touch 94.7, to talk about HIV, with my, B.I.T.C.H.'s, trese's blog as point of reference, eh, basically look at the right side of the screen and all the links there are used as a point of reference.

Quick calculations of probability crossed my mind, I have a DJ friend in RT. I flirted with one DJ who also sidelines as a voice-over. 3 friends works in a radio station... why didnt they teach probability of small worlds? why didnt i ask my flirt to remind me what radio station he's working to?

again, my blog is written in a way that it's a bit personal - it almost describes me, like - I created a new email, have the link sent to my 4 exes, all of which replied asking if Im me.

with this kind of panic - I need a mom. thankfully B.I.T.C.H. is online - my poz world mother, and like a real mom, he checked the emails, told me what to do, what to say, how to react, what to keep to myself and such - it's like a mother telling her son how to walk. it's sweet.

oh, and he also reminded me that it's my study time already and forced me to study already!- see? a complete mom!

So I gave to O all the information that he needs, and I reviewed for my finals.

when the show aired, my heart was pumping, the DJ's voice is familiar, but it's definitely not my flirt, i can tell - must be my musical ear(term used for musicians who can tell/distinguish a note either by a voice or instrument).

Im just listening, and im feeling nervous - it's like that feeling when you're about to see for the first time your own performance in a show, you know that feeling?

By listening to the show I felt glad in a way that they are giving out the right information thus far - they mustve studied to B.I.T.C.H's notes and message well and understood it. they keep on saying the same old stuff: abstince, safe sex, no bodily fluids to open wound, no sharing of needles, you can interact with pozzies, tears and sweat are safe, carefully distinguishing myths and realities. the DJ later on said that he knew he sounded like a broken record - it's true, preventive measures are just that, not really that complicated. and I like it when they mentioned that negatives shouldnt be afraid of the positives, because we cant transmit HIV to them by all means other than sex (seductive eyes, opening legs, come to me.) and needles, by some. and when they reiterated that it should be us pozzies who needs to be cautious to negatives - as they could give us opportunistic diseases, I smiled. they did their research well. despite the rush.

Later on My mom noticed that i was listening attentively to the radio, which i usually never do, really, even as a singer.

she asked me why the sudden interest...

thinking fast ... oh remember (name i cant type here) my rival in (talent show i cant name here), she's a dj now... hear her? cool aight?

my mom raised her eyebrows, ahhh, the typical stage mother my-son-is-better-than-yours-look. im seriously hoping she wouldnt say someday "son, why wont you audition as a DJ like her?" please. im no longer in the mood for any form of control in my career plans from my mom, really.

then her ears pinked up when the DJ's keep on saying HIV, Sex, Oral Sex, all forms of sex, sex here and there!

she just smiled.... and said "thank god I have such a well-behaved son!" and hugged me tight.

bows, knives and axes all stab my heart and conscience at that time. now is definitely NOT the time to tell her. like, what will I say to her.... "Mom, remember J? yeah, that aussie guy you liked? well, he dogged me good, and he gave me HIV as a remembrance for it! isnt it cool?" nah. no way will that ever work.

but that aside, I would like to thank O for your intentions of helping our word out and wanting to contribute to HIV/AIDS awareness and, in a way, my being a part of it.

if you have more plans, just let me know, maybe next time im more prepared for it. :) mama B.I.T.C.H and I and the rest of the pozzie world are supporting your cause anyway.

HIV cant revise me. bwahahaha

Im feeling better now. why?

okay, so today they updated the candidates of graduation list. five unfortunate souls are deprived from getting their respective diplomas, I am not one of them... my name is still there, up in the list. maybe it's a good sign? i suppose so, that spanish exam still creeps my out.

and for today, surprisingly usual - is a good learning day for my Statistics and College Algebra class, I can catch up quite well, got 16/20 in my quiz about quadratic equations, okay, so i didnt use the quadratic formula but the factoring method, so? it's the same diff anyway.

Im still worried bout that finals report, tomorrow will be the last day of our defense - so there is still something I can do.

so soon as i got home, I opened the final revision of our case study, edited the media plan part, carefully making it more specific, adding some graphics and bars to show the predicted outcome and such.

it's making me feel good, doing what I could to make it right, no, i wont entertain that devilish voice telling me otherwise.


it makes me feel good, you know, my first personal experience that HIV really wouldnt be a hindrance to what i can do.

overthinking, overanalyzing - just stop it.

So here goes, I have the tendency to over-analyze things, and try to predict the future.

must come from the controlling upbringing and strict training i grew up in.

it's always a process, like a song selection, no matter how good your voice is, or how powerful and rangey, it isnt a guarantee that it'll end up with good results - that one note your voice cant register could make a big difference, so you really need to pick the right song that is good for you and your voice. the same applies in real life, i suppose, I thought.

Then HIV came in my life. again as earlier mentioned in my posts, my life is a complete ticket to a HIV-Free life, and still i got it.

the same surprise and lingering thought that changed what i believed in is taking a toll on my academics.

ok, here's the thing.

1: the professor hate us, im sure of it, he's been threatening he'll fail all of us, though I can say i am doing good in his class, i submitted all the requirements, all the homeworks and seatworks, and they're more than just average, its good scores - then to his dismay our group report (finals) wasnt what he expected.

2: same thing with my spanish class, good everything, complete everything, then i think i messed up my finals awhile ago, i was answering the first part about the reflexive verbs and i knew i was doing the right pattern, then i just checked now - I think i used the pattern of the regular verbs. im trying to remember what did i use, even the questions, and i cant remember at all.


surprisingly, im doing great in College Algebra and Statistics Classes, maybe it's time for a career change and study numbers? eh? nah.

so where am i getting at. W told me, Greenfrog told me - overthinking contributes to the decreasing of CD4 (immune system count), which in turns tells me I need to relax. and this is why im having a hard time.

it's always like this, even during my elementary and high school even during my early days in my college - i wonder if ill pass, like maybe i missed something or so.

even in performances, Im afraid my voice will close up and wouldnt reach the notes im required to reach, maybe i'll miss a line in a script...

the pressure of graduating takes a toll on me, and i just need to stop this paranoia.

like in every performance, soon as the curtain comes up and I open my voice to sing - all the nerves are gone and I knew im doing it right.

and just like what my mama said...

why pressure yourself? if they wont give you that diploma, you do what you always do - your best, you can get that diploma somewhere else.

my eyes lit up - I wanna study music and acting and stage performance, my dream job (if my career didnt push through) is to teach aspiring singers and actors, and be a mentor. I really dont know why i ended up in my course, it's so limited and in-the-box.

alas, it must be just the nerves and the graduating pressure thats making me feel and think this way.

all i know, is that I have a Plan, and a goal, whatever happens to me, Im just following my road, nothing, and i mean nothing - can stop me from going to where im supposed to be.

new layout again

turns out the previous layout will only last for a week, as better put by baritonewbie awhile ago - it's hard to read... backed by B.I.T.C.H. as well, more on our new get together on my future posts.

so here, I used up my remaining energy on choosing another layout that will make the blog easier to read to the would-be-readers.


hope this new layout will last long...

til then, mornight! ZZZZZzzzzzzzz

p.s. i think the new layout prevents some readers to comment, one told me bout it via FB chat. let me know.