alert! alert!

So B is troubling me, he's been texting and calling, asking if im okay and if im mad at him. he always does that - everytime i dont reply quickly.

points to check.

1: I appreciate the fact that he was the only one left standing among the many "supposed" negas pursuing me and accepted my HIV status, but that isnt a guarantee that we'll be a couple, aight?

2: I am still learning about my condition, I have accepted it, and im okay, but that doesnt mean i'll let loose immediately, i need to learn more about preventive measures, REAL acceptance from my future partner about my status, and do i need to say that im yet to find out my cd4 count? I need to devote all the attention and time to myself for a while, and i certainly dont need any future intimate/romantic complications while going through my "learning" phase.

so, the whole day i have this nagging "weighting the world on my shoulders phase", and it's hard to focus on my class.

so off to shangrila i went, chilled for a while, stayed in starbucks (at the 6th level) and just detoxed. relaxed myself, he mis-called again. i texted him and said what i feel.

yeap, just like that, in one text, I felt better, finally being able to let him know he causes my CD4 counts to drop as of that very moment. he lingered for a while, im playing guessing game - he'll hold on, be immature and use the excuse 'you need me and you just dont know it so i wont let go" reason or he'll accept my decision for some alone time, which i really need.

i was finishing my latte when he replied - "I understand, but im sad, friends?". i smiled, he chose the latter - good one! i can only accommodate friendship now - seriously.

feeling free from burden, i went home, soon as i enter the condominium gate our broker saw me, and asked if she can now have the signed inventory sheet that she needed, luckily it's in my bag, i gave it to her, she went to the lobby to borrow a pen to have it signed and photocopied, so while i was waiting for her, i was checking out the bulletin board when a chinito guy (why are they all chinese-looking?) walked by, saw me, i saw him, i didnt mean i eyed him, i just saw him, you know, he stopped walking, and stood there.

cruiser alert! i said to myself. he was just standing there, waiting who will approach first..

cruiser alert! oh no! I pretended to re-read boring notices on the bulletin board, completely useless!

he walked towards me and pretended to read too...

then, thankfully, our broker came in and gave me my copy of the inventory sheet, i smiled, thankful for the distraction and hurried to my unit. (him still eyeing me, almost followed me, too)

soon as i got in my room, i felt safe, i hate cruisers, really, no matter how cute they seem to be.

when I found out i was a poz, i thought everything will go down the drain. it didnt. in fact, things have changed for the better, and now i feel normal and appreciated life more.

but one thing still remains.

gosh, after everything, im still being sought after! (buhat sarili bangko, bangko lulubog maya maya)

what i would have done (sexually) if i had known i'll be a Poz by 23

NOTE: sexual content, you know the drill (no, i didn't mean you opening your fly, dummy.)

in connection with my previous post, here are the list of the things i wish i would have done before when im still safe to play around, if i had known I'll be a poz anyway. (note: not to encourage the negs to do it as well! stay neg! this is just my mere frustrations i need to let go via writing!!!)

1: have a foursome, all of which are bottom, and im tied in the bed, and they mercilessly take advantage of my tired and helpless body as im forced to fuck them day in and day out.

2: allow myself to be molested by that music executive who wanted me back then. i want him to toy me all around, in the house, with me only wearing a dog lace, for him to have a party where i'd be the only one naked in the room, and they're all free to molest me. also, since if i had accepted his indecent proposal back then, i want him to be very indecent, assuming my Demo Cd hit the stores, in the press con and such, i want him to give me a handjob under the table as i try to compose myself in answering the interviews as i reach my orgasm.

3: have someone give me a whole body erotic massage, touching and caressing all of parts of my body except my cock, the intensity of his massage must be enough to make me cum without him touching my cock.

4: have a boyfriend who is strictly top, we will fight as i dont want to bottom all the time, so in the end he will rape me everyday.

5: wake up to find myself tied and helpless as my boyfriend feeds me his cum.

6: be soaked in cum.

7: be left hungry for days, and that music executive will only feed me in his dining room if im naked, tied on the dining chair, a vibrator turned on and wrapped on my cock, one tablespoon of food per orgasm.

8: have someone play with my cock even as i beg for him to stop as it tickles and i just had an intense orgasm.

9: be someone's toy, that he even have to touch my cock as i urinate.

10: us to cuddle and be intimate, with only him fully clothed, and me as naked as baby, and him spanking me to orgasm. or, as we are travelling, he will order me to open my fly and let my cock out, and he will play with it as i drive.

basically, be a total whore!

yes, i even actually dreamed of being a high class prostitute soon as i graduate from college.

but then, my ex boyfriend infected me, without me even able to attempt at least one of the things listed above. ah, must be destiny telling me im bound to be a good boy all my life. it's easier this way i guess, makes adjustment extremely easy, but the realization that my frustration will only remain as a frustration, that kinda bring me down.

jeez, need to make myself happy, best find that boundgods and straighthell videos.

the virus spreads...

It was a Wednesday, the day after my first test with HIV was positive and i was waiting for the confirmatory results.

I'm still in denial, holding on to the fact that the confirmatory results would come out negative (it didnt).

on my mind i played again that night with my 5th one, which i'll call J, and tried to convince myself it could be wrong.

i was on my way to school when my mind plays our break up sex like a good old porn video, when suddenly,

a cute guy in a purple shirt grinned at me.

ah, MRT, one of the cruise spots. yeah, i know i dont party, but how do i get my boys? you might ask.

1: starbucks, really, they all buy those loner ones who sits around reading a book. not just the customers, the cute baristas too.

2: gym: the ultimate hide out.

3: recording gig and nationwide TV contests - most of my exes are singers like me as well, (including the 5th one). the starbucks boys and the gym boys are just there for the flirting, since i always say no to going somewhere else, just flirts are all they ended up to be, the singers, however, are a different story.

4: i live in a condominium where it could be called , "gay garden heaven". all kinds of gays are here, tranny, bisexuals, discreets, ALL OF THEM are here.


so going back, this purple guy, was just smiling at me, i smiled back, as it turns out, we both have the same stop, and we both went to the LRT for the next stop...

probably thinking it was fate, he walked on near me, got on the same train, stood in front of me.

with a hand in his pocket, he reached out for my crotch.

sensing that i have no choice - as it was crowded, he felt my crotch all the way, not satisfied, he placed his butt on my crotch.

stilll in shock on my HIV status and on this guy, it opened a new perception on my part.

I know my HIV status, and I COULD SAVE A LIFE.

this guy, who basically wants me to fuck him, had i known im negative, i probably would have (he's so cute, typical chinito thing going on in him). but now that i know, I wouldnt (as condom sex is a taboo for me during those moment).

he begged for my number, i didnt gave it to him, until now, he plays on my mind.

is he negative? or a poz too? does he know his status?

i hope he doesnt find another charming positive guy like me somewhere else. if he did, I hope he'd be lucky enough to be spared by the virus either by a condom or by ignorance.

now you see, what makes me less lonely about my HIV status, is the fact that, I know, and I can say out loud. the virus definitely stops in me.


again let me say this now. get tested. it's not the end of the world, could be a beginning of a good, new one.