alert! alert!

So B is troubling me, he's been texting and calling, asking if im okay and if im mad at him. he always does that - everytime i dont reply quickly.

points to check.

1: I appreciate the fact that he was the only one left standing among the many "supposed" negas pursuing me and accepted my HIV status, but that isnt a guarantee that we'll be a couple, aight?

2: I am still learning about my condition, I have accepted it, and im okay, but that doesnt mean i'll let loose immediately, i need to learn more about preventive measures, REAL acceptance from my future partner about my status, and do i need to say that im yet to find out my cd4 count? I need to devote all the attention and time to myself for a while, and i certainly dont need any future intimate/romantic complications while going through my "learning" phase.

so, the whole day i have this nagging "weighting the world on my shoulders phase", and it's hard to focus on my class.

so off to shangrila i went, chilled for a while, stayed in starbucks (at the 6th level) and just detoxed. relaxed myself, he mis-called again. i texted him and said what i feel.

yeap, just like that, in one text, I felt better, finally being able to let him know he causes my CD4 counts to drop as of that very moment. he lingered for a while, im playing guessing game - he'll hold on, be immature and use the excuse 'you need me and you just dont know it so i wont let go" reason or he'll accept my decision for some alone time, which i really need.

i was finishing my latte when he replied - "I understand, but im sad, friends?". i smiled, he chose the latter - good one! i can only accommodate friendship now - seriously.

feeling free from burden, i went home, soon as i enter the condominium gate our broker saw me, and asked if she can now have the signed inventory sheet that she needed, luckily it's in my bag, i gave it to her, she went to the lobby to borrow a pen to have it signed and photocopied, so while i was waiting for her, i was checking out the bulletin board when a chinito guy (why are they all chinese-looking?) walked by, saw me, i saw him, i didnt mean i eyed him, i just saw him, you know, he stopped walking, and stood there.

cruiser alert! i said to myself. he was just standing there, waiting who will approach first..

cruiser alert! oh no! I pretended to re-read boring notices on the bulletin board, completely useless!

he walked towards me and pretended to read too...

then, thankfully, our broker came in and gave me my copy of the inventory sheet, i smiled, thankful for the distraction and hurried to my unit. (him still eyeing me, almost followed me, too)

soon as i got in my room, i felt safe, i hate cruisers, really, no matter how cute they seem to be.

when I found out i was a poz, i thought everything will go down the drain. it didnt. in fact, things have changed for the better, and now i feel normal and appreciated life more.

but one thing still remains.

gosh, after everything, im still being sought after! (buhat sarili bangko, bangko lulubog maya maya)

better keep that tounge off the head.

okay, so we were still at starbucks when i asked a question in which ive been wondering if the answer will be in my favor...

me: can i still swallow?

presidentiable abnormal's eyes went up, 24 year old poser boy laughed, trese probably caught with surprised, cant see B.I.T.C.H.'s reaction, but he is smirking, greenfrog is interested as it seems like we share the same fetish.

so, contrary to that queer as folk character's belief, HIV isnt a gift where u can have all the sex that you want without worries.

you need to be more cautious, really. as you are susceptible to infections. and i just found out that the HIV virus isnt the only thing added to your semen flavor, there could be herpes, syphilis, HEPA A-Z (ok, hanggang c lang) , probably a new virus science hasnt discovered yet that makes your semen pink in color, or something like that, you know.

so B.I.T.C.H. and presidentiable abnormal advised me to not even attempt to swallow anymore, or as better put by presidentiable abnormal - swallow your own. (ick)

in my line of defense, i said - but the HIV virus dies quickly soon as it is out in the air!

again, i was reminded, you can never be too sure on what is the ingredient of his semen.

this is bad. so now i need to raise standards for my next boyfriend -

1: HIV, Hepa A-Z, all STD, all unknown virus negative. it's a must. just so i can play with his cum all i want.

but then again, i can never be too sure as, he could quite possibly play around.


so i need to accept this fact, i cant play with cum with my tounge anymore.

it's like my world crashed down, seriously.

as better suggested by GreenFrog - just play with it with your hand.


hmmm, enough alternative, long as there is a vibrator stuck up his ass to make the tickle factor more enjoying to watch.

the virus spreads...

It was a Wednesday, the day after my first test with HIV was positive and i was waiting for the confirmatory results.

I'm still in denial, holding on to the fact that the confirmatory results would come out negative (it didnt).

on my mind i played again that night with my 5th one, which i'll call J, and tried to convince myself it could be wrong.

i was on my way to school when my mind plays our break up sex like a good old porn video, when suddenly,

a cute guy in a purple shirt grinned at me.

ah, MRT, one of the cruise spots. yeah, i know i dont party, but how do i get my boys? you might ask.

1: starbucks, really, they all buy those loner ones who sits around reading a book. not just the customers, the cute baristas too.

2: gym: the ultimate hide out.

3: recording gig and nationwide TV contests - most of my exes are singers like me as well, (including the 5th one). the starbucks boys and the gym boys are just there for the flirting, since i always say no to going somewhere else, just flirts are all they ended up to be, the singers, however, are a different story.

4: i live in a condominium where it could be called , "gay garden heaven". all kinds of gays are here, tranny, bisexuals, discreets, ALL OF THEM are here.


so going back, this purple guy, was just smiling at me, i smiled back, as it turns out, we both have the same stop, and we both went to the LRT for the next stop...

probably thinking it was fate, he walked on near me, got on the same train, stood in front of me.

with a hand in his pocket, he reached out for my crotch.

sensing that i have no choice - as it was crowded, he felt my crotch all the way, not satisfied, he placed his butt on my crotch.

stilll in shock on my HIV status and on this guy, it opened a new perception on my part.

I know my HIV status, and I COULD SAVE A LIFE.

this guy, who basically wants me to fuck him, had i known im negative, i probably would have (he's so cute, typical chinito thing going on in him). but now that i know, I wouldnt (as condom sex is a taboo for me during those moment).

he begged for my number, i didnt gave it to him, until now, he plays on my mind.

is he negative? or a poz too? does he know his status?

i hope he doesnt find another charming positive guy like me somewhere else. if he did, I hope he'd be lucky enough to be spared by the virus either by a condom or by ignorance.

now you see, what makes me less lonely about my HIV status, is the fact that, I know, and I can say out loud. the virus definitely stops in me.


again let me say this now. get tested. it's not the end of the world, could be a beginning of a good, new one.

my life starts at 23, not ends in 23.

ok, first and foremost, 10 quick facts about me.

1: I'm 23 years old.

2: Graduating college student.

3: singer / actor

4: a flirt, yes, promiscuous, no, virgin, no, frankly i only have sex if i have a boyfriend.

5: I dont drink, I dont smoke - not because im a health buff, but because im taking good care of my ever so powerful na singing voice. :P

6: I dont party, my nightlife only consists of a concert / theater play and starbucks after the event. see numbers 3 and 5 on why my nightlife is non-existent.

7: I have had a total of 5 ex-boyfriends. starting when i was on my 4th year high school. longest relationship - 2 years, shortest - 9 months-the fifth one.

8: I am out, as far as i can remember, my family are open minded yet a bit of a conservative type, religious yes, but not to the point that they consider homosexuality a ticket to the fires of hell. i remember back then my sister got so angry with mom because mom is so nice to my boyfriend - and mom is not yet allowing her to have a boyfriend.

9: my fifth ex boyfriend, informed me a month ago via skype that he just got tested positive for HIV in his home country (australia).

10: last tuesday, after two weeks of waiting, the confirmatory results told me that, I am, HIV positive.



Ok now, Im writing this blog to let you know the importance of HIV tests, and safe sex. some say you can get HIV via lifestyle, i have a different take on that. my controlled life is a safe ticket to living a HIV negative life, no, it doesnt take just a lifestyle.

it just takes one person. and that person could be the one you're cuddling and loving right now. could be you, even.

you can never be too sure, get tested, it may not be too late.

as for me....

... well, sorry to burst your bubble, im not the lonely type, let me tell ya,

Im NOT dying. I'm Living.