I can't Afford to have H.I.V.

I didn't mean that figuratively, I mean Literally. and I didn't mean just HIV, I mean any sickness, I can't afford to be sick. It's way too expensive. I think.

Last Friday My mom was rushed in a Hospital somewhere in Greenhills.

I was in the 2nd day of the photoshoot when TITA informed me about mom's situation, we immediately went to the hospital to check up on mom.

In the hospital I was busy nursing my mother and processing the admitting forms.

my sister was left in the house to wait for my absent father, so it was just me, TITA and mom's secretary in the hospital.

Tita and Mom's secretary are busy talking to the doctors about the condition, and they needed mom's Secretary's testimonials on what happened as mom can't speak out a sentence but just a word. so yeah, I was the one left doing the admitting processing.

and it wasn't easy, I was shaking when the staff gave me some papers to sign, I was reading them one by one and I can't seem to understand all of it, it also didn't help that there are lots of patients going around coughing and sneezing that suddenly I was afraid of my own health, I might pick up something here. yeah, mighty me with HIV, you might say, but that doesn't mean they should be more cautious to me, unless I'll have sex with them, which is unlikely, but in reality I should be the one more Cautious to Them as they can give me something I can't heal myself from, you know.

so I was able to sign the papers and chose a private room for mom when I was asked to pay for the deposit, I was like, what? and when they told me how much I want to sink from the floor.

I told TITA about the amount and she just simply shrugged it off, she has enough cash on hand to pay for it anyway.

so anyway, what happened was, Mom vomited after lunch, and felt dizzy, she almost passed out but fought to remain conscious, she was rushed first at a hospital in Makati (as she was in the office that time) where they did some tests, all tests came back normal except for her blood pressure as it fluctuates every minute, they did a CT - Scan to check for any clots on her brain.

she was asked to be admitted for observation and she said via writing that she wanted to be in greenhills hospital (mom can't speak that moment)

anyway, the next day we were told by mom's handsome doctor that she almost had a heart attack, and what happened is a mere warning of the worst to come if she won't take care of herself. her Blood pressure is still not normal but since all tests are good, she can be released. she will just be under medications from then on.

my absent father was still absent during the whole incident. just proving what I thought of him is right.

what burst my bubble is simply = the insurance.

mom simply shrugged off the hospital bills as her health insurance pretty much covered half of it, I was the one doing all the processing and I was shocked that in just one day the bills went up. it'll be way expensive had my mom have no insurance at all.

which made me realize my case, J (my sire) was rejected of a health insurance when they found out he is HIV positive, he told me his case is different as he is self-employed, but once I can get an employer I can actually have an insurance without passing some medical check ups.

his explanation only made me feel like a child, which I am, I am new to this thing, suddenly there's a lot to learn. and all I can think of, how on earth am I gonna do this?

when my mom was discharged and everything, all went smoothly. suddenly I felt unable. all that Ive been doing is process this and that, do this and that, and the fact that I can't even provide the expenses and all I can give is man power makes me feel small, and it makes me afraid of my well-being.

Im thinking of what will happen later on, when Im older, when my CD4 went down and I got hospitalized, will I have enough money to pay for it? or how about if I will apply for an insurance? will I be disclosing my HIV status? or like J, I'll be rejected for the insurance? what will happen then? if I will save money, will it be enough? countless thoughts run through my head.

suddenly having HIV makes things complicated when it shouldnt be.

S told me to relax and not think about it. he did advise me that I should take advantage of what I have now, keep my CD4 up, continue my healthy lifestyle, and Save enough money.

I can prevent being hospitalized, he said.

it's my first taste of reality in the so called "real world" and I am in awe at how adults take care of things, I just hate the feeling of not knowing what to do.

will I survive when I'm alone? who will take care of things?


S is right, better stop thinking.

better be healthy and save more money.