candles!

Today is the big day.

Today is the AIDS Candlelight memorial 2010.

Im not really expecting it much, I honestly thought it'll be around December during the world AIDS day...

Then I opened my Gayromeo and there it was for all to see. the ad placement of the upcoming event.

I remember that time when I was hanging out with the other pozzies and Greenfrog told me about his experience when he attended the candlelight memorial and how he cried a tear (sorry I have to mention, sis) and how it seemed funny now (how he cried).

I don't really understand how it goes, but all I know is that, they will light a candle to the victims, those who died and those still living of HIV/AIDS and how each candle represents the victim or so. something like that.

over the past few weeks I got lots of invites to attend the event, RY particularly invited me in a manner that it seemed like a requirement, like, who will light my candle? (no pun).

I woke up today with 6 text messages, all of them from fellow pozzies, ranging from "are you going later for the ceremony?" to the pleading "please come" to the more commanding "your candle must be lighten - Attend! Attend!"

yeap, as you guess it, I need a motherly advise, so yeah, I inquired to mama B.I.T.C.H. if I'm even remotely required to attend or I need to bring a proxy... maybe this is like a baptism of sorts.

No, I don't want to attend and light a candle for my part. why? simply because:

1: I intend to keep my identity a secret. yeah I know I hang out with fellow pozzies like me, more frequent actually, but hello - they are also discreet like me (not talking in a homosexual sense), we all look healthy and so no one will ever doubt... I mean, none of us came close to the level of Sarah Jane Salazar or Wanngo Gallaga, who will know? really. now this is an event where majority are Pozzies themselves or Advocates, it's way too high a risk a exposure for me.

2: I don't think I'm emotionally ready for such event: It isnt like World Aids Day where it's like a concert and the singers will make a spiel about HIV/AIDS before they sing and rock the stage and where most of the audiences are neggies and pozzies combined you can't tell who's who. as what Greenfrog said, he cried. I don't wanna cry, I want to smile and laugh. what I have isn't as bad as cancer, really, and im quite sure I wont Die anytime soon, and I don't want to be in an event that subconsciously says otherwise. I'm in a good mindset now, I don't want to think it over. for one thing, from the start I felt like a victim of HIV/AIDS, but now I don't feel like it, simply because I know in me that I can stop the spread of HIV/AIDS by being responsible and my advocacy can be heard through this blog. Im a newborn, and I intend to learn more, and we learn more by not rushing.

So no, I'm not coming, not yet, not this time. mama B.I.T.C.H. replied and told me I am not required (got that RY?). so I'm not going.

But in respect to the souls of Sarah Jane Salazar, Freddy Mercury, Gia, Ryan White, Michael Jetter and many others around the globe, I will light a candle in my own room.

for me It's better to light a candle in your own private place, where I can say I'm not victim, but a survivor, for I can live through this. where I can say a silent prayer to the departed souls and grant them peace. where a candle is a symbolism of intimacy to oneself and say, this is my new life, a new me. and it's not as bad as it looks. Ironic as it was, It keeps me alive.

corrections

Going out of my personal blog and more into HIV information... I know you miss it, c'mon.

okay, as my blog started growing out of the HIV niche market (i.e. my fellow pozzie friends who read and follow my blog) many have responded to my posts that they deem unrelated to HIV.

see, like most other pozzie bloggers, I went to forum sites and other networking sites, dating sites even, and promoted my advocacy on HIV thru this blog, usually with the link of my first post as the rest of my posts resembled my day-to-day life.

some, who read my blog from the latest posts, gave enough effort to actually email me and ask, "where's HIV in your posts?"

okay, so in case they forgot, my blog is about "I'm not dying" and "I'm living... with HIV" thus the title of my blog. this is certainly not one of those documentary TV specials where all the pozzies are shameful of themselves and had become unfruitful of their lives. nope, nope, this IS reality. us pozzies are around, and we live normally, we go to the gym, we dance, we sing, we go to the beach, we do get checked out, some still gives a few indecent proposal, some drink hard and party harder, and yes - we do not die soon as expected. the pozzie people now are glam compared to our ancestors, who are also glam in their own way, you know - Freddy Mercury and that hot supermodel Gia? and unlike our 80's counterparts, we live longer and with happiness.

most of the questions that are always asked to me is about S.

okay - being a pozzie doesn't exclude me/you of a right to any intimate relationship, in fact, though it is harder for us to find a fling or so, it is easy for us to distinguish who loves us - because if he can accept your HIV status, it only shows he is mature enough to know the risks involved and responsible enough to keep himself negative and he doesn't need to prove his love any longer.

usually after our oh-so-good sex, S will open the topic of HIV, but he's more worried to me than to him... you see, us pozzies are prone to any infectious diseases of sorts, a little something that is in a sperm could be fought over by a neggie's immune system while a pozzie will be vulnerable in it. and despite our kinks, we practice safe sex - safe sex that isnt just condom sex, but proper cumshots and lubricants and all. we also made a pact, he's exclusively top and im bottom, to lessen his risk of contracting the virus, but he understood that there is still a risk.

so for those wondering why I have a good love and sex life, it's as simple as I have this strange luck that S understood my part, and Im just being responsible to my status, being truthful and honest pays a lot, you know.

plus, we live in a age where people are actually more accepting, I dont know if that is a surprise for some, but I've met negative people who are amused by positive people, so much amused some are willing to marry them, or some wants to "handle" them, for the other reason that - us Pozzies are responsible and we know the ways of keeping a negative a negative - unlike others whom they need to be cautious yet intimate with.

also, being Vain that I am, I am Appalled by a statement by one of the forum members in a gay networking site, in forum titled "what will you do if you were HIV+ ?" some of the answers are realistic and mature. from "I'll still live my life" to "be more healthy" to "be one with god" one of the answers captured my attention - this guy said "he'd do a total make-over and be a looker as positive people are not much of a looker" - now it could be a joke or said with a humor, but I'm annoyed by the stereotyping!

for one - HIV doesn't affect your physical being, I've met people on the AIDS status already and they are still as hunky and as gorgeous and as healthy as Adonis. true, there are some pozzies who look sick and look dead, some look like a merman, but that is not because of HIV, that is because of the allergic reaction to the medications - but that is treatable, I have a friend that when I first met him he looked so unhealthy, but once they started treating the allergy his looks improved - now he is gaining weight and is on his way of becoming a hunk again and his skin is becoming more alive.

us pozzies are not ugly, not even skeleton-thin thin... we are sexy, hot, irresistible and lovable - why do you think we got the virus in the first place? because many wanted to be with us. some allowed the many to touch them, and others are like me - who caught another ultra big fish (almost like king triton, but with prince erics' looks)and planted a seed of HIV to each other.

again, here are some stereotypes that I wanted to correct:

01: HIV+ are full of darkspots, acne and looks thin and malnourished - in respect to any physical beauty, you cant tell a pozzie by looks. HIV attacks the immune system, the immune system protects the body from viruses like a common cold. a lack of immune system doesn't equate to a pimple, it only means that its hard for us to heal from a small thing like a common cold. that hunky guy you made out with, whose arms you just want to crash you, that hunky guy whom you keep on saying "more!" and that hunky guy you adore to wash - has a possibility of being a pozzie much as that guy you snubbed off as "too average".

02: HIV+ = instant death: let me clarify, HIV isn't curable, true, but it is VERY MUCH treatable. we just monitor our immune system (cd4 count)every 6 months, the higher the count, the better, normal range is 350-1,500. HIV becomes AIDS once your CD4 count went from 200 below. you will start your medication once your CD4 count goes below the normal range. a CD4 of 1,500 and such isn't a guarantee of a misdiagnosis - a negative person can have a CD4 count of as much as 20,000 or so. during the 80's or so when HIV started to breakout, not one doctor knew about the details I discussed above, now all of them do. once a pozzie's immune system goes down, starting medications can bring it up again - yes, even up until 1,500. thus the reason why they are many HIV positive people are still alive after being a poz for 16 years or so... like the case of Magic Johnson. yes, to correct Peque Gallaga, we can grow old. my discussion above is also the reason why EARLY DETECTION is the best way to prolong your life - those who died from pneumonia found out too late.

03: HIV+ means no more sex: sorry to burst your bubble, but my back entry needs a rest - if you know what I mean.

04: HIV+ means yes to bareback sex: there are people out there who are so into bareback they wanna have HIV so that they could continue doing bareback. they're also wrong, much as sex is unlimited to a pozzie, pozzies are limited to safe sex. not to protect their partners but to protect themselves, see - the seminal fluid is not just a fluid of life, it is also the fluid of Hepa B, herpes, syphilis and other things - if a pozzie will be infected by another STD it will harder for them to be treated. so a pozzie needs to be more cautious than negative people.

05: HIV+ means No life = sorry again, with the medications and the open mindfulness of society now, a pozzie can do whatever he wants, he can travel even.

06: HIV+ easy transmission: you can only have HIV through Sex, swallowing, cumshots in open wounds / small cuts / pimples / breastfeeding from a pozzie and unsanitary needles. we can share utensils and kiss the whole day sweetie.

07: HIV+ are only for gay men: the only reason why gays are up in the list is because they are man enough to get tested, the rest are positives but, because of the flu-like symptoms, didn't notice that they are positive. even a baby can be positive, much more you.

there, so far that's all I can think of, feel free to message me again or so. :)

false alarm

mama B.I.T.C.H. told me I have a bad attitude of self-diagnosing.

so, for a while I thought I have Insomnia, then I discovered I can sleep like a baby during the day, and I have difficulties sleeping at night. so that doesn't mean I have insomnia... that means I have a deranged Body clock. yeah, I'm self-diagnosing again, I suppose. no wait, I am. sleep doctors are hard to find, and presumably expensive.

A week ago, I was watching telly when I felt like my temperature is going up, and I feel like im gonna have a fever, this is bad. really bad.

So i drank lots of water, and lie down on my bed and waited for sleep to come. seriously waited for sleep.

Told mom and sis that I cant sleep, and at that time I'm shaking already. of course my sister was more alert as she knew my condition, she's like panicking all over, mom too.

im on my bed, shaking, temperature up, mom beside me, sister on the other room. I still can't sleep. I gave instructions to my sister that when I woke up, if ever I fall asleep, and is still shaking and such, we will go to R.I.T.M. so she better save Ate A's number.

I told her to call ate A for emergencies. you know what she did? she called S.

Im still on my bed and Still shaking and still awake playing asleep when S arrived, mom was a bit happy to see him, so she left the room, without any ado S lie next to me, and I put my head on his chest and he was caressing my back and whispering words to make me relax. I instantly fell asleep, that was around 4am.

I woke up, alone, it was 2 in the afternoon, I stretched and - guess what - Im as healthy as a baby. no fever, no colds, no cough, no anything. was pondering on what had happened, then S came in suddenly, he just got off the shower,

"feeling better?"

"yeah, I suppose."

"See, Im just your cure."

I put out my tounge on him... he was also weird out, seeing how sick I was just the previous night, he told me maybe I just need more sleep, he told me to just stay in bed.

in which we did, you know, just stayed in bed. we tried to monitor more my health, whether I'll be sick again or so... I never did.

as S joked,

"Ma-mi-miss mo na nga lang ako, magpapakasakit ka pa!" I have no choice but to diagnose myself that I have the S syndrome... you know, needing S beside me that if I wasnt my body will act up. LOL

young young love.

It was a hot., sunny afternoon when I'm walking home after buying some stuff in the condo supermarket when I saw someone oddly familiar walking up in front of me.

It's MN. I'm quite sure of it, he wears this put on sleeves thing to hide the unwanted dark spots in his arms caused by the allergic reaction to the medication.

Soon as I got near, I was able to outline his Josh Hartnett like Jawline, It was him indeed.

He was talking to a friend, being my goofy self I stood behind his friend, made finger horns on his head in a way that his friend wont noticed, and flashed him my trademark 10000000 megawatt smile. he noticed me right away and waved back, finished talking to his friend and his friend left and he greeted me.

he was just hanging around the area and dropped by. Told him I live here, and told me how nice it was, at that time hunks are exiting from the condo gym and I told him to enjoy the view. we laughed.

I looked hard at him, when I first met him at the R.I.T.M. center his face are all scaly, which pretty much covered his former cute face, but he is still cute, in a merman kind of way... now his face seems to start clearing, I hardly noticed the dark spots round his neck and his cheeks now are like blushing red, which gave him a bit of a glow.

I told him he looks cute already and he seems well on his way to recovery, he gushed, and told me it was me who looks like improving from the papules. after the chit chat he left.

S arrived that night, we had dinner in my place as mom and sis will be late from work so I have the place all to myself, I told him about MN... who at the time was texting me asking if I know anyone who teaches piano as he is recovering a heartbreak and is putting his wounds in words as lyrics and wants to put music into it, gave him my contact and told him he is the best piano teacher Ive known.

so I told S about MN in full delight as I realized we have something in common - Music.

S shrugged, was quiet for a while, put on a pouty face and puppy-like eyes and asked me:

.. " you're not liking any positive guys now right? and you'll stick with me if you found a positive guy right?"

Uh Oh. jealousy storm,

I smiled, put my head on his shoulder and rubbed the back of his neck.

"I'm not liking any positive guys, and I'll stay here with you".

" are you sure?"

"Im sure".

then I kissed him and right there and then, we made good love.

aaah. young love, Im definitely not dying. :)

I am not sick... Oh well, other than having HIV virus in my system, Im healthy.

yesterday I went to R.I.T.M. way beyond schedule (who says there's traffic nearing alabang? nobody warned me!) but alas I made it.

and yes, the red spots on my face and forearms, are just papules., nothing more and nothing less, In fact, the rest of the derma doctors and Ate E are just laughing everytime I voice out a concern it could be something else... well, it Isn't.

I told S about this, he wondered why I wasn't happy to know that.

simply because, Had I been diagnosed with a STD of sort other than having HIV, then I know what's causing this, thus I will know medical treatment.... But the reason that it's just really all because of how hypersensitive my skin is... then that's a 'lil bit hard to treat, first we need to try the topical creams, then the anitbiotics then the dont-go-near-the-sun mantra and sorts. it's a complete guessing game.

however, one good point to check is that, when I was at R.I.T.M.'s derma section, I was with fellow pozzie friends who indeed, have the HIV lesions and skin problems that I thought I had. and they're all looking at me like crazy wondering If i have the same thing, and all they need to tell me is - look at your skin to ours. you are a lucky brat so get out of here! which is true. it's nice to witness first hand what they actually look like compared to seeing it on photos in the internet... certainly I don't have any of it.

plus I met fellow pozzie MN. MN is actually cute. too bad he had Steven johnson syndrome. with lack for a better word, his skin now is almost like scales, with blisters on the palm of his hand and foot. for those who didnt know, steven johnson syndrome is an allergic response of sorts, usually to some drugs that are used to Treat HIV.... that's why the next few weeks are vital for those pozzies who just started taking the medication, to know if they have some allergic reaction to the drug.

so MN, is enough evidence for me to say, hey, what you got is actually nothing. and that's all I will need to know.

and just like any other fellow pozzies, our first conversation with each other included how healthy our immune system is...

I told him mine is still good at 462... I asked him his.... he told me, that before it's 510..... surprised, I asked; so why are you on medication? that's still high! he replied: that was before, I just had my CD4 (immune system) checked and now's 330. what?!?!?!1

yeap, in just a matter of 6 months, it all went down that fast... that's why he advised me three things : always be happy, exercise, and sleep tight.

I certainly don't want to be in medications yet. better do what he says...

come to think of it, on the way home I felt happy. (all because I saw people in a worst condition than mine - bad me, bad me, but alas, it relieved my paranoia.)

truth be told. I feel like im Deteriorating. Dying even. literally.

Drawback is im feeling hyperactive. too active sometimes I dont feel sleepy at all, and by the time I will feel like sleeping, A little activity such as texting or turning off the lights will make me wanna do things more.

though being energetic is a good thing, it's a bad thing when you are having a hard time to sleep. especially on my case - im HIV positive and I can't afford to have Insomia. I need all the rest that I can get.

another bad thing is that the red spots on my face and forearms got worst, they are doing fine, fading and everything - then My mom planned a family outing, we hit the beach, convincing me how "medicinal" the salt water is, being a underwater fan myself, she doesnt need to convince me much, I spent most of the time underwater, checking the corals and the multi-colored fishes, and doing lapses.

had fun, yeah, but soon as I looked at the mirror, the red spots on my face and forearms doubled. soon as I got home I re-started the medications again to no avail.

it feels like having Acne again, being too embarrassed to go out and saying goodbye to your confidence. I cant look at myself without feeling bad.

and to make things worst, my being in the ocean way too much resulted to a sunburn on my back. I have a good tan, I know, I look dark, just how the caucasians wanted it. but it left me wondering how much of my CD4 or my Immune system will it take for it to heal back to it's normal state.

it also didnt help that my mom, much as I love her, Is way too controlling and everything without her knowing. it's hard for her to accept that i cant eat her beloved shrimps and crabs, that when the doctors told me I cant eat Tuna for a while, she went mad, being my dad a tuna exporter, she had fresh tuna meat delivered into our house and told me to eat them. aaaargh!


bad decisions and choices surround me. I need to act up.

Goal is to be healthy, and keep myself away from the ARVs for a while. it seems like im not doing much of a good job.

yeah, Im depressed about it.

I wont let negativity win, im just letting it all out here.

will go to R.I.T.M. sometime this week for a check up. gonna keep myself healthy from now on.

paranioa killed the kitty

Being paranoid usually have it's ups and downs, with more downs than the ups, but it helps. usually.

for a performer like me, it helps to be paranoid to have a good performance (hence, the term O.A. or over-acting)by some.

for a positive person like me, it helps to distinguish whether a simple sneeze is actually life threatening or a small feather is just stuck in your nose.

In my case - whether this red spots on my face and arms are just the same-old story of Acne or a manifestation of something else.

A FEW FLASHBACKS

It was a Saturday, in the mighty (chubby) arms of S, when he complained that my facial causes him an irritating tickle whenever we; A: Kiss B: cuddle and C: when I simply brush my head on his shoulder. thus a que for me to actually shave. which I did.

Soon as I was done, imagine my surprise that beneath my grown stubble are pimples (I presumed) in a state of a break-out.

so que in my usual facial treatments recommended by my dermatologist for breakouts (Duac " Benzoyl peroxide with clindamycin as phospate" and Steiva-A "tretinoin" for you scientific readers) when behold, behold, there are more similar red spots on my forearms and chest.

Oh No.

I told S, Immediately, who kinda shrugged it off, told me to relax, cuddled me still and...whatever.

It also didn't help that we're watching "Supernatural" season 5, in a episode where Sam and Dean are trap in TV land, and Sam is forced to advertise a parody of a topical cream called herpexia - for herpes.

my paranoid mind went nuts - is this a sign? come to think of it, I seem to have a bad luck with any boy Im with, remember my ex? yeah - He who gave Me HIV... what if, what if... S - gave me something else too - I told him my sentiments (insert fights here).

I went to R.I.T.M. to have myself checked, I was pretty much sure it is a STD of sorts.

until I was told -

Allergy.

yeah, an Allergy breakout. I asked again - this aint herpes? syphilis? blah blah?

the doctor checked my body again, checked the red spots, checked my "down there". she said No.

A simple case of Allergy, an Indicator that my skin is becoming more sensitive than usual due to my HIV and I need to take certain precautions from now on, and try to live a Stress-free life.

I was given prescriptions, and Not-to-eat food. when I say not-to-eat food, I meant the only thing I can eat now are fresh beef and pork meat(not from the cans such as corned beef - I cant eat anything with preservatives) vegetables, apple and banana. all else, even a simple bread and cake, is Off the menu (temporarily, until the symptoms vanish). I even have to change my daily soap.

as bad as it was, admitting I was wrong and paranoid to S, is the hardest part. but all was done and we made up - though we made it clear we wont make love yet until this is gone.

I hate allergies. hate them. I want my old skin back. oh well, it's getting there.